I did it!

Surgery! I was much calmer in the days leading up to surgery which actually freaked me out a little and felt good at the same time. But as I stepped foot in the McCaig building for the second time and the second surgery, I instantly wanted to bolt. I managed to get myself up to the 3rd floor day surgery unit and got gowned up and then waited and waited...and waited to be 'called' by a porter. Thank goodness for Holly being there to keep me company and more importantly, to keep me laughing. Despite being scared I was also calm. What a strange feeling but despite my nervousness I knew everything would be OK. I knew what to expect. I've done this before. I've got this. The porter finally came and that's when my nerves really kicked in. I got to the O.R. waiting area, met my resident anasthesiologist (who I gave a hard time, why do they send out residents to the most anxious patients? It was a teaching moment for me let me tell ya)...and I met Dr. Watson who was my actual anasthesiologist who has been doing this forever. Sweet and kind man with experience, thank goodness! I lucked out. The other lady getting surgery met with her anasthesiologist who looked like he was fresh out of school and I'm so glad he wasn't assigned to me! I'm sure he is amazing at his job, its just my psyche that wrestled with the idea of him. Then I met with Dr. Lindsay and of course, a really young, cute Dr. from Edmonton. I think also a resident but Dr. Lindsay made sure to tell me he IS a DOCTOR. Lol. They got me all marked up and calmed my fears as best they could (still teary at this point). Nothing like baring the full monty to a cute MD. Agggh. Soon after that, Holly gave me a big hug and I was escorted to the O.R. Holly was so sweet  and making sure to remind everyone how important this surgery was for me. Of course I'm teary and crying a little and everyone is SO sweet to me. O.R. nurses and anyone who works in the O.R. I swear are THE kindest and gentlest souls on earth. My main nurse was awesome and had that amazing combination of looking like she knows her shit but was sweet as pie. Solid. She guided me through each step (getting strapped down to the table is pretty freaky) and maintained eye contact with me and had my back! Another nurse in a mask said nothing to me except with her eyes and they were the kindest unspoken words that hit my heart and soul. I warned everyone not to laugh because I had ut my hospital pants on backwards and the opening was at the front. Hilarious. The resident anasthesiologist is meanwhile trying to slap my arm, have me make fists, looking and looking for a vein to insert the I.V. into. As she's doing this Dr. Lindsay is giving me the rundown of the procedure. I finally lost my patience and told the resident to get someone else to insert the I.V. I was polite but irriated, don't mess with an anxious patient sista! Get 'er done and get 'er done quick thank you very much. Dr. Watson got the I.V. in quickly. I got a weird taste in my mouth and asked about it, he said some people can taste the I.V. fluids. Gross. But of course I'm one of those people. I think they gave me O2 for a bit as well, standard procedure before anyone gets anasthetic. Right after that, I was being told by my main nurse that I'd be asleep in 30 seconds. It felt like forever. I felt all my limbs getting really heavy, got kind of dizzy, and then out. They didn't give the nice relaxing meds that I got last time which I was really hoping for. That MD was the best out of all three of my surgeries. Once surgery was completed, I got wheeled to the first recovery area where they keep you for about an hour. I woke up right away and had another great nurse Hilary, who chatted to me about her firend who had a double mastectomy and decided against reconstruction, about her own life, changes we've both made to eating, and she even gave me a recipe for a quinoa chocolate cake. I laugh that I picked up a recipe in the recovery room of all places. I recovered well. At first, I heard them say I was 'tachy' which I knew what that meant and it freaked me out a little. But my BP and O2 sats were awesome, and little blood loss I was told. I was quite shaky and blurry eyed which is normal from the anasthesia but it went away within that hour. Hilary always told me I was doing "fantastic" which always reassured me. There was one guy barfing from the anasthesia and I sure felt for him. Then I was wheeled back to the day surgery recovery area where I stayed for two hours. Ate some cookies, drank lots of water, hung out with Holly, and texted everyone with updates. My nurse there was also pretty great and very thorough. I made it to the bathroom and back without a near faint like last time so I got the OK to go home. My head felt clear but I felt a little unstable...I like how my nurse Theresa said, "its like you've had a few cocktails". Exactly! Holly wheeled me in a wheelchair to the parkade and right to the car per nurse Theresa's strict instructions. We went home, ate chicken noodle soup, and I snuggled into bed. Feel great today but napping lots. So glad this surgery is completed and no more scheduled!!!! Yeow! I'm done! I follow up with my surgeon next week. I'm hoping my boobs even out because one is bigger than the other...it better be swelling! And that's that. All done. Its amazing what we can endure and get through. I did it!

Surgery is now DAYS away!

I keep hearing the Jaws shark theme in my head. I need to stop that lol.

Just a quick blurb today...I fly home tomorrow for 2 weeks for surgery, recovery, and a follow up appt. with my surgeon before heading stateside again. I'm SO grateful that my work is so accomodating and allowing me to start work a week late. Amazing. It allows me time to go home, heal, go to my follow up appt., and be ready for work instead of feeling rushed. And to be honest, this IS a pretty big deal so I'm thankful for being given the opportunity to experience it with enough time to absorb and process it all too. Almost done with all this cancer schmancer.

Scared as heck? That's right. But somehow I manage to do what needs to be done and get through it anyway. And after this, other than a simple-ish procedure to get a nipple tattoo once 'the girls' have settled...no more big, bad, scary surgeries! AND I'll finally have two boobs again! TMI? Point is, I'm trying to keep THESE thoughts in my head as I get closer to my surgery date. (Dang it! There's that shark theme in my head again!).

And one month later I get to be back home again hanging with my sistas and doing the Melissa's run. I'd say life is pretty good. Even if I am broke from all this travel and plane tickets home!

And then, once back in the US, I start my job and I'm LOVING the idea of my new placement! I'm not a school therapist by any means, just not my passion. But this placement allows me to work with medically fragile home bound kiddos and at 'RTCs'...Residential Therapy Centers...level 3 lockdown baby. These are the kiddos with mental health and behavioral issues. Now that sounds sexy to me, in work terms that is. I miss my days of working at the maximum security prison for juveniles up to age 21. This is the next best thing for me when it comes to being passionate about what I do and finding reward in the work I do.

So...one more big hurdle in my personal Olympics and that's surgery. Then its all good from there...no more anticipation, no more stress. I could sure use some of that! And a freakin' celebratory pina colada.

Up and coming...

Surgery #2 is weeks away. And how funny that it's 4 days before the day I was diagnosed 4 years ago. As usual, I'm not looking forward to the surgery and as the weeks and days get closer...I get more nervous. But I'm keeping my eye on the prize, a boob! Funny how you cope and deal with having to stuff a fake boob into your bra every day, wrestle it back into place as it shifts constantly throughout the day, avoid certain clothing so people can't see it...things like that. It's a pain in the ass but you do it without complaining. In a few weeks, I can actually wear whatever shirt I want, including yoga tops and do yoga without worrying and checking if the fake boob is in a weird place and noticeable to others...you get the idea. Exciting!

I try not to look back much but it's amazing to review what I've been through. And still going through. I hope that innonence that life's big scary things won't happen to 'us' is something everyone gets to hang onto. Facing your own mortality head on and the process of lab tests, waiting for results that your life literally hangs on, surgery, chemo, radiation, and life long coping...let's just say I'm happy to be a survivor but don't wish it on anyone.

Better news...Melissa's with the Fortney sistas in September! A whirlwhind weekend awaits of a sisterly gathering, 10K run (walk?), and laughs and bonding. I can't wait! And how funny, again, that I'm doing Melissa's just weeks after another surgery. Only this time, I won't be caught in official race photos shifting my fake book around lol. Last time it was me without a boob, now it's me WITH a boob.

That's the update...feels good to get the surgery babble off my chest and breath a little. Starbucks is calling...

Yeehaw!

Well, it was a whirlwind tour home but so great. Being away from my hometown definately makes me appreciate it even more...but I always appreciate it. I'm proud of where I come from. Kind of like the lyrics in one of Paul Brandt's songs 'Alberta Bound' where he says, "its a pride that's been passed down to me". I'm proud to be an Albertan. Thanks dad.

The city is so green and smells so good right now. And of course Stampede was a lot of fun! I spent a total of 3 days on the grounds and saw the rodeo twice. I think that's the most I've ever been to the Stampede in my life! But I wouldn't be a good Calgarian if I didn't go this year...it was the 100th anniversary. I ate my fill of warm mini donuts, smokies, corn dogs, and weird deep fried food. And of course I saw a girl wearing a pair of cowboy boots that I now NEED to have and can't find anywhere. I will keep searching!

I saw friends and family and can't wait to see more of them in August. I also got the craziest psychic reading on 17th Ave that felt exactly like one of the ones you see on TV and get goosebumps from! Not a word of a lie, this lady nailed numbers, dates, events, and other pieces of info that were spot on. It was awesome! I've never experienced that before, I had goosebumps the entire time. And it left me with such a good feeling.

I'm back home in the US now and prepping for my next trip to cowtown for surgery. Not a fan but at least this will be the last one and I'll have a boob again. No more stuffing my little insert into my bras and making sure it doesn't shift around, etc...thank goodness for that. Its a pain in the ass. Whatever the docs gave me in my IV right before my surgery was SO relaxing last time, I think I'll be OK once that kicks in. Ugh. I find it so scary.

The next month will be busy trying to get the back yard in shape...it's getting there but there's a lot more to go. I'm so excited to get a big outdoor table and start enjoying the yard...its a good size and has so much potential. It'll be a great space once its all done. Even in the fall. The goal is to spruce up the back in the summer and then focus on the inside of the house during the winter.

Other than that, my head has been bursting with ideas...I plan to do some creative stuff, and I've been blogging...I have a new idea that I'm really excited about it. Just something for me to feel good about. And I'm hoping to start my cancer workshop idea in October...and the web business planning this fall. Feels good to have all these ideas coming in! I'm on my way to finding my north star.

Almost Home...

Not much to report but I felt like posting something today. My ashtanga practice is coming along...ever so slowly but its coming along. I was sick for about a week and didn't have the strength or energy to go to the shala regularly. So that set me back a bit. And I know I caught the bug from a guy at the yoga shala...dang it! I'm finally feeling better today and went to yoga this morning. I now know all the 'fundamentals' and will begin learning the 'primary series' when I get back from my trip home. In the meantime, I just practice what I know every day while I'm at home...and I'm not supposed to be "a bad lady...don't be lazy". Lol.

I like the yoga and feel pretty confident that I'll keep it up-its become a routine. Now I struggle with reintroducing Zumba or starting to try and run, AGAIN. I love Zumba. Its fun and it's a great workout. But I really have this urge to try and get myself running again. What to do? Add in what I love and put off running longer? Or dive into running and add Zumba later? Maybe I should just do the running and Zumba...alternate them. I have a tendency to do too much all at once and I'm trying to slow my roll so that I don't get overwhelmed and keep this up long term. This is why the dilemma.

I'm heading home on Sunday for a surgery consult and the 100th anniversay of the Stampede. I'm really looking forward to going home and really looking forward to having fun at the Stampede. It'll be busy trying to visit with friends and family and going to the Stampede but I'm excited to be home for a while. There really is no place like home.

Gettin' my groove on

I'm loving my new and current routine these days! I signed up for a 4 week beginner ashtanga yoga program and I'm really enjoying it! So, every Monday to Thursday, I walk to my morning yoga class, do yoga, then walk home and have a green smoothie. Today I started changing the routine a little by run/walking home from the yoga shala. I can only run for 2 minutes and walk for 2 minutes so far, and my body feels like its the weight of a refrigerator. Especially in the heat! But I'm trying not to obsess about doing it perfectly from the get go, or having any expectations like I usually do and then feeling defeated because I'm not doing it long enough, or fast enough, or good enough. I am slowly learning (finally in my 40s) that slow and steady wins the race. Meaning, over time and with patience, I will get there. And its OK if it takes a year versus expecting major changes in 2 weeks. lol!

And this yoga class...it isn't the typical yoga class that I'm used to and I found myself WAY outside my comfort zone last week (my first week there). I walked in thinking I'd set up my mat with the others in the class and we'd get started. Nope. This is all one-to-one! There are people of different levels all working away at their practice. You just walk in, set up your mat, and wait for Elise to come tell you what to do. And its short! The first week I have been doing a short series 5-15 times max and then a 'finishing' routine. This week I started adding a second routine. But I'm LOVING it! Its definately a workout and I like that I'm learning and repeating a routine and adding more and more with time.

There are people in there that can do the splits standing up, bend completely in half with their head and arms through their legs and walk...and then there are people starting out and everyone else in between. I am amazed at what some people are able to do!

I was really loving my Zumba class as well. I plan to go back again, just a few classes each week once I have this yoga and run/walk thing feeling a little 'easier'. I'm just really loving this new routine! I'll be sad to have to change it up once summer ends and I'm back to work...but it'll all work out somehow.

Chemo Brain

I'm in geek mode today (or is it panic mode?) and reading about something called "chemo brain". A very real and common effect on the brain after chemotherapy that can last a few months or years. Its kind of like having a mild form of dementia really. I feel a lot better after reading some published articles and also comments from cancer survivors because I was starting to panic and feel like I had dementia! And that's scary when you're someone who has worked with people with dementia for years and their families. But nope, its chemo brain! I'm self-diagnosing.

(It also doesn't help that I recently read a book about someone with dementia and watched the movie "Iron Lady" about Margaret Thatcher...who has dementia...it was hitting a little too close to home! The movie was incredible though...just FYI).

The symptoms vary with people affected by chemo brain...you can experience a range of things like confusion, word finding difficulties (you know, that thing that you drink out of...oh a cup!), forgetting things you usually know really well (like people's names) or even forgetting things like appointments and forgetting the way home, difficulty concentrating, etc...yikes right?!

And most of us find out about chemo brain by experiencing these symptoms and reading about it on the internet or talking with other cancer survivors. Not from our doctors. What? Seriously? No offense, but cancer and chemo are a pretty common thing these days...better hit the books doc and get current. Or even easier, just google it like your patients do! Anyway...that's my anal speech therapist coming out. We are uber thorough. But truthfully, it'd be kind of nice to have a 'heads up' BEFORE experiencing the symptoms so patients don't panic or struggle without help and think there's something wrong with them. Cancer is tough enough. Give us a break.

Off my soap box and back to chemo brain. Its all thanks to chemotherapy which can be a good thing in one respect but not so brain-friendly. Some of these chemo drugs (if not all) cross the blood-brain-barrier (BBB). The BBB is kind of like a gated community...its semi-permeable and you have to qualify to get inside. Meaning that it allows some materials to cross into the brain but not others. Basically, it protects the brain by preventing "yucky" or bad things getting in. But sometimes even the best gate keeper can be broken down or duped. And chemo is one of those yucky things that somehow bypasses the gatekeeper and CAN get in. 2 of the 3 types of chemo I had can definately cross the BBB. Not to mention the potential that all the other drugs they gave me could also contribute.

I joke that I have a mild cognitive impairment or what I call a chemo-induced brain injury (CIBI). That's my new term! But its actually kind of true. I noticed chemo brain later in my treatments...I'd completely forget appointments and forget that I even made them, I'd lose keys, things like that. Which is something that never happened to me. Never. But I expected it to be transient, thinking it'd go away after chemo. No big deal. Some of the oncologists in my world acknowledge it but call it "brain fog" and you get the sense that it goes away. Nope. It can actually last a long time and be very debilitating. Some people can't hold down jobs because of it. I'm almost 4 years post diagnosis and 3 years post chemo and I still have it.

I can't be bothered to read long emails or long articles like I used to until I work up to it, my mind can go completely blank when I see stuff like that and just shuts off. I have difficulty multi-tasking and completing projects or even getting started. It feels overwhelmeing and like its too much effort. Even if I'm excited about them. I can be very forgetful including forgetting things people tell me, or remembering what I did the day before. Or even hours or minutes before! I blame it on chemo brain and usually warn people about me. It can be scary if you focus on it too much so it was good for me to read about it again today and seek relief in the accounts of others and realize that's all it is. Chemo brain.

Being an SLP, I laugh because this is the kind of thing I help people with and now I'm helping myself with the same strategies, only I'm a bad patient. I don't always use the strategies that I know would help. The symptoms can be subtle and most people won't notice it, but the person experiencing it notices it, big time. It can be scary and weird to be having 'senior moments' when you're 40 years old. (although, to a teenager, 40 IS old). And people who know you can get irritated by it even when they know what it is and its not intentional. Like when I forget something someone told me, and they have to remind me. Ugh. I'm not being an a-hole I promise. LOL.