"When you argue with reality, you lose-but only 100% of the time". ~Byron Katie

"Life is not a struggle; the only struggle is your resistance to allowing reality to be exactly what it is. Struggle would disappear if you would allow the comings and goings of life flow through you with the trust that everything that is happening to you is for your best interest, even if you can't see it right now. Allowing reality to be exactly as it is-this is the first step toward transformation." ~Jackson Kiddard

My problem is just this! These quotes speak to me today. I need to acknowledge my reality instead of trying to dress it up and disguise it. But my reality also feels like it changes daily, so how the heck am I supposed to recognize my real reality? And trust...yeesh. I am learning that I suck at trusting ME, MYSELF, and I. I definately need to start trusting my gut, my decisions, and the bigger player...the universe a whooole lot more. I know I need to do this, but the hard part is learning to act on it and know that everything will be OK. Hello? Waaaay easier said than done. I wish I could let the comings and goings of life "flow" through me, and trust (there's that word again) that its all meant to be. I should recognize and own my reality, make decisions on it, trust, and keep moving. Sounds so simple! NOT for me. I need to channel my inner CEO or something...maybe Donald Trump...and start taking names! I think deep down that I believe that my decisions aren't worthy or OK, as crazy or reckless or smart as they might be. I mean, people screw up every day, they make good and bad decisions, and they end up being OK. They have some big balls if you ask me. I'm totally scared to make decisions based on what others will think or how others will feel, for the sake of them and not me. This is totally locked in my brain and its a bitch to shake it off. I think I don't trust that I'm making the right decisions and I fear regret or losing something, or being judged. Deep down I know there's no 'right' or 'wrong'...but, but, but. Aaaagh.

OMG!

I just baked the most amazing cookies! Don't tell my other blog (the goal for the next 3 weeks is healthful eating). If you like pumpkin and cream cheese filling, then you'll love these cookies. Perfect fall recipe which I will post below (warning, take them to work or give them away!):

PUMPKIN GOBS

Cream Cheese Icing:

-1 (250g) package brick cream cheese (I used light), softened

-1/4 C butter, melted

-2 C icing sugar

-1 tsp lemon juice

Cookies:

-1/2 C butter, softened

-1 C granulated sugar

-1 1/2 C solid pack pumpkin puree (I used the canned stuff)

-1 egg

-1 tsp vanilla extract

-2 C all-purpose flour

-1 tsp baking soda

-1 tsp baking powder
-1 tsp ground cinnamon

-1/2 tsp salt

1. Beat cream cheese and 1/4 C melted butter in large bowl with electric mixer until well blended (I stirred mine by hand in case you don't have a mixer). Gradually add icing sugar and lemon juice, beat until well blended after each addition. Refigerate until cold.

2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Farenheit. Line baking sheets with parchment paper.

3. Cream 1/2 C butter with granulated sugar. Beat in pumpkin, egg, and vanilla.

4. In a separate bowl, whisk flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. Stir into pumpkin mixture until combined.

5. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough onto the prepared baking sheets, flattening tops slightly. Make about 40 blobs of dough (which will equal 20 cookies when done...I managed to make 14 total).

6. Bake 12-14 minutes or until golden underneath. Let cookies cool completely on rack.

7. Sandwich 2 cookies together with cream cheese icing.

YUM YUM YUM!!!!

Looking good...

I had my annual mammogram and boob ultrasound yesterday. Always makes my nerves feel like live wires and my stomach like a whirlpool of nausea. I got a very nice tech for both procedures and highly recommend CML Healthcare. The northeast location is somewhat updated but a little rough around the edges (there is a south location which might be even more updated). But service is top notch. Wasn't sure how the mammogram went as the tech did some 'extra' procedures and kept pointing out how "dense" my breasts are because of the fact that the machine hums a little longer than normal with every image it takes. When she led me back to the change area to sit and wait, she reached out and squeezed my shoulder and gave me a very sincere send off. To the average person, this is really sweet and thoughtful. To a cancer survivor, this is "OMG, she saw something"! 30 minutes later with too much time to think (but I felt calm and at peace), I was led to the ultrasound room. Seemed to be pretty typical, lots of stopping with the wand and a million clicks on the computer, entering measurements. Its kind of reassuring when they stop in the same areas as before, you begin to know where your bumpy bits are after doing this every year. I would have been scared if she had stopped at any new areas though. Even worse, is when the tech calls in the radiologist. Red flag! But not this time. He was called in but looked very unconcerned and told me I just had cysts. The tech told me he was VERY experienced (the grey hair gave it away) and nice. A rare combo for a rad, trust me! I've worked with a ton of them. Anyway. The tech was also open enough to say she didn't see anything in a new area that my Dr. and I were both concerned about. I thank the tech for that big time! She was just being uber cautious because of my history and wasn't afraid to give me info. AND, she told me that the rad would have talked to me more if he was concerned. Yay for me! Another year cancer free!

A lovely weekend in the mountains

I am loving the extra time I'm able to spend in the mountains. If I could buy a place here or a cabin on or near a lake, I would! And I'd find a way to make a living wherever that might be so I could live there versus just 'vacation'. Maybe that'll be part of my 'sunshine project' (http://www.pourmesomesunshine.blogspot.com/) ...when I start sketching out my dreams and goals. I managed to fit most everything in this weekend...yoga class, a hot bath, walks with Kiva, a trip to Banff, dinner with friends, and Chinese food from Famous Chinese Restaurant. Oh, and lunch at the Rocky Mtn. Bagel Co., Beamer's coffee and breakfast wrap, and a peek in my favorite bookstore on Main. Now just sitting with a glass of champagne and some relaxing music. I also discovered that if you put a teaspoon (handle end down) into the bottle of champagne, it makes the bubbles last to at least the next day. I love google. Lovely, lovely, lovely weekend.

Its that time of year again...

Annual check up...the boob ultrasound and mammogram kind. And labs. Cancer follow-up. Lab tests are tomorrow (I am trying hard to remember NOT to drink or eat anything...fasting lab work). The ultrasound and mammogram are next week. That's the one that makes me the most scared. This time around I have some concern so its going to be a bit tougher than normal. The hope is that they don't call in the radiologist. That often means something more serious is going on. Spending the weekend out of town which will be nice and relaxing. Good prep for next week.

The Sunshine Project

Check out and follow my new blog...
www.pourmesomesunshine.blogspot.com
Unfortunately, all the short web addresses with 'sunshine' in them were taken! Aaagh! After what seemed to be a million trys at every web address possible, this is the best I could do. Reader beware, my future posts on this new blog will be all roses and sunshine. The first post however, isn't as bright as the rest will be but I had to explain where I'm coming from in order to get where I'm going. I could use ANY encouragment/cheerleaders/sages/etc...so please follow and support me.

Let's talk Layton

I just got a free magazine in the mail called 'Glow'. I'm not sure why I got it but it looks like its distributed by Shopper's Drug Mart. But Lord knows I've bought a ton of funky colored nail polishes to put me on the mailing list! (Its my latest addicition. I actually just bought another one tonight!). Anyway, back to my point. I flipped through the magazine and found an article written by a 29 year old breast cancer survivor and learned about a new website for the young cancer crowd. Which then led me to her personal blog (gotta love the name of it...'bumpy boobs'). One of her posts was about Jack Layton, the Canadian politician who was recently diagnosed with cancer twice and who we sadly just lost to cancer. What I liked about her blog post was that she addressed the fear that I'm sure every cancer survivor feels when they hear about someone who just died of cancer. Especially when its all over the news each and every day. When I heard the news my stomach felt sick with sadness for Jack and his family...but I also felt a deep, hard hitting fear in my belly. He was so positive, he was so brave, he was so determined, he fought hard. I didn't even think to acknowledge my fear. I just felt it and then stuffed it down. That scary reminder that I had cancer and this could have been me. I knew I was a little obsessed about watching the news, hearing his story, posting my tributes on Facebook. All authentic. Definately. But masked behind it was the fear too. So, thank you bumpy boob blogger for helping me acknowledge my fear and for letting me know that someone else felt it too. Its OK to feel the fear and its honest. But even more than this, I was so, so, SO grateful to learn that Jack Layton worte a 'letter to Canadians'. This blogger shared some of his words which I MUST share with you. During his last months or days, Jack Layton had the kindness, strength, thoughtfulness, and absolute selflessness to continue to pass on hope to anyone with (or without) cancer. I know he wasn't top of the politician list for many Canadians when it came to voting, but this guy has become one of my heroes. Here's the part of the letter I read today. As bumpy boob bloggers says, "its touching, and its for us"...

"To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and live their lives, I say this: please don't be discouraged that my own journey hasn't gone as well as I'd hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimisitic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer."

I'm still feeling such amazement about how incredibly thoughtful Jack was to continue to inspire hope when his had likely run out. Right to the end. I think all Canadians saw the real Jack for the first time this year and actually heard what he was all about. Including me. I had no idea. Here's to you Jack. Here's to you. Your light shines on.