My Brain

"You don't really want to die, what you really want is to be saved".

Sounds morbid, I know. But I really liked this quote. When you feel at your worst, its true, you really want to be saved. It might not feel like it, but you do.

Reading http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/ is a surprisingly good way to laugh which is just what I need.

More about the adventures of Tracey to come...the times, they are a changing.

Ouch!

Had my second appt. for my second "fill" this morning. I'm now home, in pain, trying to find a comfortable position to sit or lay in but haven't found it yet. I actually took some aspirin so if you know me, you know that the pain is bad. It surprised me actually...I thought the worst part was over. I thought the first appt. would be the worst. The actiual fill felt a lot better today. I didn't really even feel pressure until the last 40cc's going in. But by the time I got home I was in a lot of pain. My entire left side and back (scapula area) ACHE and hurt.  It actually overtakes the entire left quadrant from the side to my sternum to below my ribs and just underneath my collarbone...and this time my back as well. It feels like broken ribs healing...badly bruised and sore. Any arm movement triggers it as well. Good news is that my surgeon said its going "really well" and things should go as planned. He guestimated another 2 fills and then we wait. Second surgery in June and it'll be done!

It's all about the boob...

I haven't had a chance to chat about my boob yet. TMI? So...the surgery I had was to have a tissue expander put in. I thought it was a simple cut-me-open-and-slide-it-in procedure. Not so much actually. The expander is placed underneath my pectoralis muscle and sewn in on the side. And trust me, that thing is SEWN in WELL. It feels like a brick. There's also a little corner of the bag poking out of my skin which I thought was the saline port. I was told it's just a corner of the expander/bag that will hopefully unfold as I expand. Hope so, it creeps me out and is uncomfortable! I also thought it was going to be an easy 6 months...what's the big deal? They slide the thing in, I go for 'fills' (like at a gas station), and then another surgery to put the implant in. Voila! Nope. Because of the placement of the expander, it's freakin' uncomfortable and bumpy. Apparently most women "live on pain killers" for the entire 6 months. I don't have much choice in pain killers seeing as I'm allergic to most of them except aspirin. But I've refused to take them. That wasn't so smart post surgery and even after my first fill at the surgeon's office. I'm doing OK now. Uncomfortable but there are actually moments when I don't notice its there...moments. The tissue expander gets filled with saline every 1-2 weeks until it becomes slightly larger than the other boob. This is so the tissue can expand and get prepped to have an implant placed. My first fill was  two weeks ago-100cc's and felt like someone was putting a sandbag on my chest. Lots of pressure. The patient literature calls it "tightness". They've obviously never talked to their patients. Its stretching skin that hasn't had any movement or boob on it for 3 years! You can imagine how it feels just thinking about that. But despite everything I'm experiencing, its exciting. I'm slowly decreasing the 'fluff' in my fake boob (I had to revert back to the crappy one they gave me after my mastectomy so I can decrease the size because that one is filled with batting). My man boob is starting to cause a little cleavage so it looks more like a real boob than flat with a big ol' scar. I didn't realize that this would become a monumental step or experience for me...its the final piece to putting my cancer behind me and getting back to normal. No more slapping on a prosthesis every day, worrying about whether my shirt is too low that it can be seen, or having to avoid certain clothing, and just the overall pain in the ass of it being there. But, I do need clarification from my surgeon because he looked at it and seemed a little worried that this expansion phase might not go as expected. I don't care about smaller boobs if that's the problem, just get me a boob buddy. And I don't want the other "trans flap" surgery that is 8 hours and 6 weeks of hard recovery. My next fill is tomorrow morning so I'm hoping to get my answers and feel reassured that this will work out. We watched the movie 50/50 last night which brought back a lot of the emotions around my cancer diagnosis and surgery and chemo. We both cried while reliving some of it. The movie of course doesn't show just how intense it is, or how long and hard chemo is (people aren't sitting there eating marijuana macaroons), the agony of waiting for weekly test results to tell you what it is, what stage it is, how bad it is, etc...and so much more that goes with it all over the weeks and months and years. Feeling like your life is or could be over soon? Can't bottle that emotion. But it's a movie and people don't want to leave devastated right? Ha ha. It still did the job I think. Heck, we cried. It was funny and raunchy which was good...that Seth Rogen has quite the mouth! I recommend it if you know anyone or even don't know anyone who has or had cancer. Anyway, thats the boob update. I wonder what tomorrow will bring! After that, I think there are only 2-3 more fills. Send me good, stretchy skin vibes...that sounds gross. Never mind. Just send good thoughts!

Maryland

Hanging out with aunt Tracey before bed

Ella took this picture! Me and Grace...

Sleeping beauty

I can't describe how great it was to turn the corner in the Amtrak station in Union Station and see my brother and my niece and nephew all waiting for me and smiling. The smiles...I felt so loved and realized even more how much I have missed them all. We grabbed my bag, hopped in the car, and headed for home. How good to be in a 'home' after a week in the car and in hotels. All I can say is that it was incredible to see and hold my newest niece Grace, such a tiny little nugget! And so sweet. And how incredible it was to spend days with family. Ella and Henry kept me busy and we had a ton of fun. Tickle Monster was the best before bed every night...laughing and acting crazy. It was so nice to be on a schedule and get some solid sleep all week too! Time with my sister-in-law talking and bonding in person versus email or FB, and with my big bro. Special times. Truly special times. That's really all I can say. My heart is full and today...I come home to an amazing card in the mail from my brother...seriously, I could burst. It was a whirlwind week and I could have stayed forever. I'm too tired for details, you get the idea though...it was a GREAT few days. I thought my flights home would be draining and long (I had to change planes 3 times...DC to Boston, Boston to Toronto, Toronto to Calgary). But it wasn't so bad! every plane was a nice, big airbus with TV and movies. I basically read the whole time (last book of the Hunger Games Trilogy)...this entire trip = my best 2 weeks in a long time.

RTC Core Vocabulary

This post is really for me so I don't forget the crazy lingo from our road trip. I figured I better write it out (and add what I forget later) before going on to blog about my visit with Matt, Polly, and the kiddos. Mary and I were cracking up the entire trip and there usually came a time of day when we started to get "low in the brainstem" (as Mary likes to say) and we deemed this Dumb and Dumber time. Somehow a new vocabulary was created because we became totally aphasic and our conversations and speech became very 'dumbed down'. I'll write the few I remember right now and keep going later...

Meat Stick = any type of pepperoni stick (actual conversation: "Mmmm, your meat stick smells good"..."would you like some?"..."No, I'm saving myself for later.")
Gum Rag = a restaurant napkin to put wads of gum into until it gets full
Puff Ball Pines = we think these were actually cedar trees
Omahomey = any friend we made in Omaha
Ball Bump = instead of bumping fists, you bump balls (on a keychain that is)
Mad Man Mask = our scary biker face mask bought from a gas station
Butter Shirt = a shirt that is too tight
Manpanion = your male 'partner' if you don't want to use the term 'boyfriend' and you're not married

That's all for now...must chat with Mary so she can refresh my memory for the rest.

Road Trip Recap: Day 6 & 7

Our entire trip on a t-shirt

Happy for some more Starbucks

The car is packed for one last day

Mary mapping out the route at a pit stop

Me at the Amtrak station in Raleigh, NC

Train #80 to Washington, DC

These were the last days of the road trip together. Bittersweet. At the start of the trip we intended to get Mary to Jacksonville before having to drive me back to Raleigh. But we just didn't have the time. Its too bad because I was really looking forward to seeing her apartment and the town she'll be living in for the next 12 weeks. I can't really remember much of the drive from Nashville to Raleigh except a lot of laughing and joking. We stopped in Ashville, NC for dinner which was a really nice town. The quaint buildings all decorated in lights and the fanciest McDonald's I've ever seen! It had a grand piano inside. We stopped to use the free Wi-Fi and restrooms which were disgusting! I had high expectations considering how it looked on the outside. We made it to Raleigh late in the evening and settled in to the hotel. I mapped out our route to the Amtrak station for the next morning which was only 7 minutes away! In the morning, Mary had to re-map it on google (I used mapquest)...which was ALWAYS wrong and got us lost several times, but she is a stubborn one that girl. She used her google directions the next morning and we realized, once again, we were heading the wrong way and out of town instead of downtown. Thankfully, the mapquest directions were correct and we made it to the station with 5 minutes to spare in order for me to check on my bag. This was crucial because I was only 10 days out of surgery and not allowed to carry more than 5 lbs...plus I hurt. I was secretly hoping to miss the train so we'd have more day but at the same time I was so excited to see my brother and his family. The train seemed to come way too soon and we didn't even have much time to say goodbye before I was boarding. Tears!!!! I was still walking toward my seat as the train started pulling away. The poor guy beside me was trying to have a conversation as I was crying and trying to respond. I don't know why he didn't pick up on it and stop asking me questions. I watched Mary walk to her car and then she was out of sight. I am so excited for her journey ahead but so sad my friend won't be there when I get home. I slept most of the way to DC which was nice. The seats on the train are so roomy! I watched the sights out of the window as we crossed Virginia...small towns...I think we kept passing by the less afluent parts of town. I eavesdropped on a kid and his mom in front of me (dad was getting out of jail and going to be living with them again and mom was breaking the news). I got the nerve to check out the snack car which was not great. I grabbed a pop and chips just to give me a jolt. Got to Union Station and found my big brother and niece and nephew waiting for me! So good to see them. I'll blog about my visit with all of them later. It was the greatest road trip and time I've had in a long time. It reminded me of just how much bonding, fun, new and unforgettable experiences that only a road trip brings. I am so grateful we did this together and I miss my friend. Her assignment in NC ends in April so we're already planning for the next road trip together. I plan to fly out and travel with her to the next assignment if I can get the time off. It should be Easter break by then. Thinking of the next trip makes me feel better. And we already can't wait to make the next tshirt!

Road Trip Recap: Day 5

Our cool Missouri waitress in background

best gas station purchase

Fort Messac rest stop

I LOVED Kentucky!!!!!

St, Louis from the back window

Road trip shirts officially decorated

Happy New Year!

Grand Ole Opry entrance

New Year's in Nashville! I wish we would have had more time to see more of the cities and towns we drove through. Its a good way to decide where you'd like to go back to though. My memory of the trip isn't as fresh as it was so this will likely be a shorter post. Still shaky on the drive but we're managing. Alignment must be off because the steering wheel shakes at high speeds which causes extra PTSD! Along with the wind, which never seemed to stop. We fueled up at a Denny's in Columbia, MO and had the greatest waitress. She was a firecracker with a twang who kept calling us "ladybugs". Loved her! We stopped at a gas station to make sure we could make it to Nashville by tonight. I found a hilarious biker face mask which provided us with some car entertainment for a while. Drove through St. Louis and saw the Peace Arch which was cool, but other than that and our waitress, I didn't get a good vibe from Missouri. We were told not to stay in St. Louis at all, especially East St. Louis. So in case you're traveling that way, it might prove to be helpful for you. Best tourist attraction and rest stop all in one...Fort Messac. Just outside of a city called Metropolis (think Superman). Cleanest bathrooms including Christmas decorations and plants, a Christmas tree in the main foyer, and the nicest lady 'manning' the place. We took photos of ourselves in the Superman cut out, of course. Creepy trucker or tourist guy hanging out way too long trying to chat us up when the conversation was clearly over...it was late and dark. We moved on fast after that. Made it to Nashville at 11:00 pm just in time to check in, crack the champagne, decorate our RTC t-shirts with all the places we'd been so far, and cheers to the New Year! Awesome organic pink champagne hauled from Calgary (Willow Park Liquors), YUM. We actually got turned around coming into town and ended up at a pretty seedy gas station on Main Street. Mary was beginning to get stressed so we pulled out the computer and looked for a route through town to our hotel. We made it! Our hotel is right across from the Grand Ole Opry and hotel in Music Valley. Had we known and had more energy, we would have driven downtown to watch the guitar drop at midnight and hear some music. But walking around the Opry was right up our alley and incredible to see. I need to get back to Nashville for sure. We didn't make it to the infamous Bluebird or Loveless Cafes, next time. They were too far out and time was beginning to become more of an issue to get Mary to NC on time to start work. Our hotel was the most expensive and worst one of the trip, toilet didn't work and no maintenance on call. No more rooms available. Mary booked through Hotels.com as well, so trying to rebook somewhere else, etc...too much of a hassle. We had a great night. Mary slept better than I did thanks to a humming and banging from the microwave. Next morning, the restaurants were buzzing with people! We managed to ask a hotel staff member at a different hotel than ours where to go and hit up the local Shoney's. Managed to find our way out of town alright and headed to our final destination (well, Mary's anyway)...North Carolina. Exciting! (I forgot that we drove through Kentucky...ate in a town called 'Peducah' which if you're an SLP or neurologist, you would first think of "puh-tuh-kuh' which is so cool! But we learned that the town is actually pronounced "puh-doo-kuh"). Loved the accent and the peeps. Must go back but not sure for what...Fort Knox or the Derby I guess. We're almost to NC and the trip is coming to an end...so sad!