**(The reason I had a PET scan was because of 3 swollen inguinal lymph nodes that were not going away like they should if they're not serious. The 'c' word was looming again.)
I'll be honest. I wasn't worried today when I had to go in to get my results. I can't say I didn't 'think' about it but deep down, my gut knew I was OK. I'll tell you about a message from a fellow cancer survivor that I received after her passing. She knew what was ahead for me and offered me peace of mind before I even knew I would need it. I'm going to share a few whacky things in this post. But this is an inside view of survival. I may bounce around a bit.
It feels like these past few weeks or even this month or longer, I've been looking through my eyes as if I am back in the 70's and 80's. My surroundings, everything I see around me looks like a collage of instagram photos, very retro. And I have felt a constant sense of nostalgia deep within. A comfort in feeling like I am walking back in time every day, it's very calming. Old and familiar. Safe. Comforting smells would rise up out of nowhere. Familiar tastes like my grandma's lumpy, mashed potatoes with butter, I could swear I was actually eating HER potatoes. The sounds of the birds outside my window are just like the ones I heard as a kid outside my bedroom window. Things like that. I have seriously felt like I'm back in time. Like it's now but it's also then. Weird right? I haven't talked about it for fear that if I did, I would jinx things. There was a part of me that wondered if I was feeling and seeing this way because it meant I was not going to be here much longer. Like I was reliving all the best moments and feelings in preparation. It must seem interesting and odd at the same time for anyone reading this, but that's what I have been living these days. And I've actually been enjoying it and savoring it but at the same time, that "I wonder what this means" thought was in the back of my head. Even tonight, I'm feeling the retro feeling right now as I type this. The sound of the birds chirping, the way the sun is shining and makes the house look, I feel like I'm in my old house on Stanley Crescent.
OK, so there's that. I have been living in some weird Twilight Zone. Now I know it's not because of the 'c' word and that's what matters!
I've also been planning my final year (I imagined I might get at least a year). As morbid as it sounds, before getting my results today, my mind would often daydream and I would plan parts of my funeral. And I had this great idea for the last year that I will still not reveal here. Thankfully, I know I'm not the only one who does this. I remember Kris Carr saying she did too...relief.
The other whacky thing I'll share is my dream and the message I received from Shawna. I never met Shawna. Well, I think there were a few times I saw her briefly walking by but that's it. I couldn't describe her to you. She worked in rehab at the same hospital I worked at back home. She soon moved away with her husband and daughter. Within days of me starting work there. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, everyone at work told me about Shawna, how she was also diagnosed with breast cancer in her 30's like me and her story of survival...surgeries, reoccurrence, more cancer treatments, but she was OK. So, somehow there was a connection between us from the get go. Then, one of her best and closest friends, also an SLP like me, came to work at the hospital. She would keep me posted on Shawna. Well, one day, Shawna's cancer reoccurred and spread. She fought so hard that I have no idea where or how she found the strength to do it. Amazing, amazing woman. Then I moved away. I wondered about Shawna and followed her blog now and then.
One night, I had a dream about Shawna. Her back was turned to me, she had blond hair and her hair was glowing with sunlight all around it. She was thin but looked so healthy, she didn't look sick even though I knew she was. I reminded myself that she really was sick and how deceiving it can be sometimes. And the other thing that came through so strongly in my dream was her kindness. I felt it. I didn't know anything about her personality but in my dream, so much kindness. That was it. I woke up. Then I went to the bathroom. Someone spoke to me in my head and said, "you're going to get checked out for something but you're going to be alright". I didn't know about my lymph nodes then. A little creepy. I knew it had meaning but I tried to shrug it off. I also knew it was Shawna. And I also found out later that day, that Shawna had passed the night before. I'm attaching a photo of Shawna that was used for her celebration of life. Notice her glowing, sunlit hair just like my dream. People remarked on how KIND Shawna was, just like my dream. Her words helped me believe I was going to be OK when at times, I wasn't always sure. And I always reminded myself of her words.
As for my 5 year celebration...my big brother and I will be doing the 3-day Walk in DC this fall together. His idea. And I loooooove it. There aren't words to even explain how much this and how much he means to me. And now I know I can really celebrate 5 years without worry. Woohoo! Now comes the fundraising which scares the crap out of me! It ain't cheap! But it's gonna be worth every penny.
And that's a glimpse inside my head. TMI? LOL too late now!
This post gave me goosebumps, I'm a believer..i've had same experience's but different if that makes sense. People who stop and smell the roses can also feel the presence of a gaurdian angel...it looks like we both have gaurdian angels :)
ReplyDeleteOooh, I hear you Deena. It totally makes sense. I love that you've had similar experiences and can relate. And I love what you said about guardian angels.
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