Christmas is coming!

And that means I'm headed home for the holidays! Another short but sweet trip home. I'll be spending the weekend in Canmore, surrounded by the rockies and snuggling by the fire, catching up over coffee with friends, and hopefully relaxing somewhere in between. Definately need a Nellie's breakfast and a Beamer's coffee (decaf of course!). Too bad my little Kiva can't come home with me, she would love to run wild in the snow up there. And mostly, I'll miss her. But, I did find a great house sitter who will hopefully give her lots of love and keep her feeling safe and cozy in her own home while I'm abroad. Christmas presents bought? Check. Passport up to date? Check. Plane ticket? Thursday. I'm all set. Here's to the holidays.

I wonder...

Sista G was at a sweat this weekend, the same weekend that I could tolerate being in a hot tub and sauna for an hour or so in Santa Fe, the first time ever. I usually feel anxious and have to get out within minutes. After reading her blog about her experience and the story of the cousins...I wonder if we were both engulfed in the heat on the same day at the same time. Perhaps that's what got me through. I wonder.

3 more sleeps

My friend Beth arrives on Wednesday night and so begins the long awaited weekend with a familiar face and friend in Santa Fe. Here's to a road trip and a reunion with my loves...Albu"quirky" and "the city different"! And of course, time spent with my friend...what could be better than this? No agenda except for a much needed and long anticipated evening at Ten Thousand Waves soaking in outdoor Japanese baths and a "head to toe" massage. Indian head massage, Japanese foot scrub and leg massage AND a Lomi Lomi full body massage. 90 minutes of pure relaxation and pampering followed by a soak in a hot bath. Somebody pinch me.

Here's to strolls and shopping in Old Town and on the plaza with coffee in hand, a trip to Chimayo to make a "promiso" and feast at the new, post-fire Rancho de Chimayo, eating New Mexican food (I'm excited to introduce Beth to my friend the sopaipilla...oh, and carne adovada, fry bread, Navajo tacos...), and catching up. That's the basic forecast for the weekend. I'm anxious to revisit my old haunts as well. Its been a looooong time since my days of living and working in Santa Fe and northern New Mexico. I'm excited to go back and reminisce and soak up all that good energy I get from that place.

3 more sleeps and counting!

Good times in November

It's been almost 2 months since I last posted? Wow. Life gets busy and I have to say, I just haven't had the flair or motivation for writing lately. Still adjusting to life here in NM and in Farmington, the new job...I still call it new even though its been almost 6 months. But I still feel like its new...this whole pediatric thing, whoa.

Anyway...all is good and especially this month because I have visitors! Dad and Holly came out for Halloween weekend and it was so great to have them here. I had the perfect weekend planned; dog walks in the hills, Halloween candy to give out, green chile lasagne, a trip to Chaco Canyon, and dinner in Cuba. Who said "the best laid plans"...something something...that they don't work out...well that person was talking about our weekend.

The thermostat broke the first night dad and Holly arrived and we went to bed at a chilly but tolerable 68 degrees and woke up to 54 degrees! Bundled like campers and wearing flannels and touques, we made a pot of hot tea, and then another...and called the heating guy and the landlord. Meanwhile, while waiting for the heating guy to arrive and noticing that we could see our breath INSIDE, the toilet in the spare room started leaking when flushed because it wasn't sealed correctly. Are you kidding me? Welcome dad and Holly! And poor dad had a 4 hour training run scheduled...he had about an hour or less of heat to warm up in before he was off on the trail. He's amazing. I did all of the complaining by the way...dad and Holly were very stoic and just went with the flow. The heat got fixed and Holly and I celebrated like it was Christmas! And plans were made for the plumber to come and re-seal the toilet later that week. All is well again.

Oh right, and then there's Chaco Canyon the following day. Great plans to spend the morning there and hike to the Pueblo Bonito lookout with the dogs, apparently a do-able hike with dogs and a "must see" view. Well, we turned off of NM550 at the Chaco sign and I figured it was straight along that road. We trucked along on a rough country road and finally came to Pueblo Pintada...or something like that, and a T-intersection. Hmmmm...that's funny, no signs for Chaco Canyon and no mention to expect a T-intersection. Confused by the GPS readout and no cell phone service, we opt to drive the hour back to the main road to ask for directions at the gas station. At ths point my migraine is kicking in and I'm feeling nauseous. Being in the car is not helping. We make our way back and luckily connect to the parks guy at Chaco via cell phone right before the 2nd turn off we were supposed to take on the way in. We find our way to Chaco, chat with the park guy and we set off for this great hike. Beuatiful area and we realize we should have planned better, brought food and backpacks to really spend some time there. We get to the 'trail' that takes us to the outlook and start our trek up the steep mesa. Hmmm...there's no path. We find ourselves struggling up the mesa on loose rock and shaky footing. Not a trail for dogs and espcially for Debit who has sore hips. Dad and Holly make it to the top, I take the dogs back down and we laugh and make plans to return in March instead. Better prepared. Better equipped.

We drive back to the main road and stop at the gas station. By this time I'm debilitated by my nausea and headache so we get some snacks and drinks, ditch the dinner in Cuba idea, and head for home instead. I felt better after sleeping for a few hours and managed to make it out for one last dinner before dad and Holly are on the road the next morning.

We did all agree that it was a weekend of adventure and smiled. And mixed in were some good dinners (including the green chile lasagne), a nice walk in the hills with the dogs, Lone Ranger radio shows via Holly's computer, trick or treaters, and best of all, good company. Dad and Holly packed up and headed south. I got a call a few nights later from dad, they forgot a suitcase here that Holly needed for that weekend...why wasn't I surprised at this point?! Thanks to Fed-Ex for getting it to Holly in time for the weekend!

Now I'm really looking forward to U.S. Thanksgiving weekend with my friend Beth...a weekend in Santa Fe, an evening at Ten Thousand Waves spa, and friendship and road trips to Chimayo and my old stomping grounds of northern NM. But maybe with less 'adventure' than the previous weekend!

So there you have it, the latest update...

Cuba...New Mexico

I drive through this town almost every weekend...on my way to ABQ. Its almost the half way point. Its when I get here that I really start to connect to New Mexico again and all the way onward to ABQ and Santa Fe...on my last drive down I had the windows rolled down and could smell burning pinon trees. It was incredible and I could have stayed there forever. But, I had to keep driving. If you haven't smelled burning pinon, put it on your 'to do' list. Fall in New Mexico...its beginning and it is my favorite time of year and place to be...it will make me not want to leave. And maybe I won't.

Cuba (NM) feels a little like the Okanagan even though it really doesn't look like it and I doubt there's a lake nearby. Its actually a very down and out town, like many here in this state but charming.

El Bruno's is a great restaurant and I make sure to stop in to buy their salsa rojo when I need a fix.

Random

I noticed that I haven't updated about my move...I'm free from the nasty cubbyhole I had to live in for a few months before realizing my landlord was taking advantage of me and got out! That's another story, but in a nutshell, people who I thought were being helpful were actually slumlords and taking advantage of my good nature. I'm in a great house now, bigger and brighter and the energy of it just feels happy. A nice yard for Kiva to ramble around in. This feels like home. I spend evenings on my patio out in the warm air and stare at the sky full of stars, feeling grateful to be in this house. And the owners are spectacular. Lots going on these days but I'm adjusting to work and the new caseload, big change for me. Or maybe I'm just relaxing a little more about it all. Either way, I'm feeling less stressed about it. Looking forward to the long weekend and happy that my migraine is slowly disappearing. And looking forward to my monthly trips home and to visitors coming in October and November.

Gran Torino

I love this guy. He's my neighbor across the street and reminds of Clint Eastwood's character in the movie Gran Torino. This man sits on his chair outside on his front stoop all day and evening, EVERY day. I think he smokes but doesn't drink beer. We haven't met yet, I get the feel from him that he doesn't want to chit chat so I've never approached him but I will one day. I wave and he waves, that's as far as we've gotten. I have to say that its kind of nice to know there's someone 'on watch' for the neighborhood every day. I know that if something goes down, this guy will know. I truly love seeing him out there every day and it brings a smile to my face. My personal Gran Torino guy.

Home sweet home

Hello Calgary! It was great to be home. Everything was so green, fresh and alive. It was nice to see my hometown with new eyes. It really is a great city. I felt so comfortable being home...safe, familiar. I wish I had more time there this trip but it was hard enough to leave as it was. I managed to see all my family which was the best part, even if the visits were short.

Going home...

has never felt so good. I leave Thursday morning and I am so excited. Its going to be a whirlwind from the time I step off the plane and get back on but I am reeeeally looking forward to being 'home'. The trip is full of appointments and a few quick visits with family. Will I be able to leave? I'm enjoying my time in NM more and more...adjusting and really loving my house and backyard, the feel of it. Even if it isn't ABQ or Santa Fe. Ate some chocolate chip mint ice cream tonight...3 days in a row actually. Why did I have to discver the Baskin and Robbins here in town? That's all I have to say...scattered, I know. A true Gemini.

Square peg in a round hole

Yep, that's what I'm feeling like in the big picture of life right now. I'd like to report otherwise but I'd be BS-ing ya. Don't get me wrong...loooooads go good shite like nice people, sunshine, friends, family and the land of enchantment (New Mexico) filling up my life (and the 1/2 tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream I ate for dinner). BUT...I'm on a second adolescence or something...it can't be a mid life crisis can it? What am I talking about you wonder? I'm still struggling with the feeling that I don't know who I am, what I should be doing, etc. Its like I'm following dreams but changed along the way and now the dreams don't exactly jive. WTF? Does this mean I'm going to end up quitting my job and moving into a shack on a beach somewhere, beating on drums and making hemp necklaces? Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Anyway, not to worry, I'm OK. Just trying to unscramble the mystery and hopefully find my way back to the well beaten path I used to walk on, or something remotely familiar.

MUCH better, I'm feeling much better now that I'm in this new house...what a difference. Its been a busy weekend moving, but thankfully, when you previously downsized to live in a small cave, it was the easiest move to date. Small silver lining. Very small. I can't say everything is 100% rosy again but I can say my spirits have shifted up a notch, good start. Tired from the unpacking and there is still more to do...work already again tomorrow...really? I would love to not work...I keep imagining how great it would be if I could just hang out and decorate the house, paint, work in the yard...and somehow have money coming in at the same time. There are ways to have that, yes...but that's not how I roll. Kiva seems happier as well. This place is bright and bigger and open and the yard is great for romping. Although, miss Kiva jumped to the top of the 6 foot concrete fence today and seriously debated jumping into the neighbour's yard to meet their barky pitbull. I don't know if it was my frantic and panicked pounding on the window and shouting that brought her back or Kiva's personal decision. I am just glad she didn't jump over. New house rules, Kiva is only allowed in the yard with her person present. What a day. Time to kick my feet up and early to bed. I so wish there was a long weekend coming up. If I was in Canada, I wouldn't be wishing! Oh, I just have to add...for whatever reason I'm back here in the four corners and not in Albuquerque or Santa Fe, I AM learning that its not the 'where' as much as the 'who'...I am starting to 'get' that concept. Mind you, maybe if I was in ABQ or Santa Fe, things would be different. I guess I just go with the flow for now and see what my gut tells me to do next. I think its telling me to go to Dairy Queen...mmhmm, it IS!

P.S...

Stolen quote from a Facebook friend's profile page...just saw it and HAD to post. (thanks Shari!)

Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.

-Bethany Hamilton

"Without struggle...

there is nothing".

"When there is no struggle, there is no strength".



Are you sensing a theme here? I'm thrown off course these days...I'm surprised that I'm not adjusting as quickly or easily as I would normally. I tend to feel fine so I expect things to BE fine...but I'm learning that when it comes to change and stress, my resiliency and coping skills have waned. The past few years tapped my resources for strength I think. The keg is near empty. I am definately changed. And my perspective...what happened to those rose colored glasses? Where no matter what situation I was in, I could always turn it around and make it great? I still TRY to do that but there's a bit of an edge to me now. That rosy perspective doesn't come as easily anymore. I haven't got all the things I wanted out of life and now I feel a bit pissed about that actually. It has me off course and now trying to reidentify with myself. Who am I now? Single-ish, no kids, rambling around North America and not feeling like anything fits or that I fit in anywhere. Where's my cozy little niche? This isn't what I asked for, it isn't what I dreamed for myself...life is unpredictable and we don't always get what we expect or ask for...I just have to try and figure out how to pick myself up, dust myself off and find my place in the world again. Stress, negative thinking, panic attacks and anxiety...I thought those were things of the past but they're back. I sure didn't expect this...but maybe it will lead me to the place I've always dreamed of or better. Didn't someone once say that out of adversity comes...something...something good, better? Out of desperateness...something like that? Maybe I'm on the verge of something great. I'll say this, I better damn well be! I think I've paid my dues when it comes to struggling at this point. At least that's my opinion! Check out my latest theme song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Geg6_-3jPzI

Moving again...

I've been feeling stifled in this little studio-type guest house. I've been tossing the idea of moving around for the past month and finally decided to get serious this weekend. This place I'm in now would be great if I was in my 20s or a student, but I'm afraid I don't have the same ability to appreciate it at this stage in life. And, with it being so small, I notice all the bugs and shortcomings much easier...and I haven't had the greatest tolerance.

I found a good place this weekend on my quest for a bigger, cleaner and more 'me' place to live. Granted, this area is a little off kilter...the cost of living is high but the housing doesn't match the price. You wouldn't believe what people are charging for these houses and apartments...their perspective is definately skewed. I thought I was going crazy until a local said the same thing. But you have no choice and end up searching for the best of the worst and lowering your standards a lot. Not that mine are uber high in the first place!

Anyway, found a house in a nice area, old but clean and cleaned up...the owners are nice and live in Durango. One of those Barbie and Ken looking couples in their 50s...blond, tall, done up...but nice. Its worth the money to me in order to get some of my self back. The move has been more of an adjustment than I thought. Either I'm not as adaptable as I used to be or my ability to cope has changed since everything I've been through these past few years. Living in this cramped space with the bugs...I stopped making my meals as regularly as I was, and was starting to lose touch with my usual activities, etc...not depression but it kinda feels a little like that.

So, next weekend is the big move and I'll be packing all week. I think it will bring brighter days. And if not, Albuquerque, here I come.

The Rainbow Blessing

So, we're sitting in the restaurant at Tamaya having breakfast and we see a group of young Navajo kids/teens out the window...they're dancing outside. People are scattered on the lawn watching. I was so disappointed that we were missing this. I wanted to forget about breakfast and just go watch. But I didn't. Luckily, the dancers were still dancing when we finished breakfast so we wandered outside and joined the others on the lawn. Yay! At that moment, the Navajo man at the mic who was doing the drumming, singing and giving explanations about each dance (they can't and won't give much detail, this info is SACRED)...he began talking about the Navajo story of creation and the rainbow path. He talked for a bit and then emphasized that this blessing is about life. About how we will all experience big storms in our lives, ones that we will think we might never make it through...but, BUT, he PROMISED that these storms would pass and the rainbow would come out again and that everything would be OK. It made me teary, this reminder was just what I needed to hear and it was even more powerful that it was from a Navajo Elder and this was the blessing we just happened to end up witnessing (the dances are not for entertainment, each one is a blessing for everyone). I soaked up the energy from the dance and tried to feel the blessing eminating from it. It felt meant to be at that moment. And as the dancers finished and eventually left the area, this Elder looked back at me with such purpose and said "thank you". Whoa. Ok, but then he said thank you to another lady as he walked by her, ha ha...so it wasn't such a unique courtesy just for me, but it still struck me pretty deep to be acknowledged with such intent like that. What a dork.

The perks of small town living

I heard a knock at my door tonight. It was my neighbour Archie. His oldest son and girlfriend are making homemade salsa to sell to help raise money for something college related. I know his son is going to college this year in California. I love this town, despite the bugs. I love hearing a knock at the door and knowing its a neighbour. And I love knowing I can knock on their door any time. And...I love how my neighbour pronounces 'cilantro' with his Spanish accent and a roll of the tongue..."see-lawn-tro". Back to the point, yep, I'm buying a few 'quarts' of hot salsa...$6.00 a quart and homemade. It'll be ready on Friday. On another small town note...I often think of sista G...the farmer's markets are starting and there's a big push here to support local growers and to know your farmers, and your food. She would love this...along with the sustainability meetings. I was at the laundry place this weekend reading all about these events in the Aztec Talon (the town rag) and thinking of her.

Ten thousand bugs in my HOUSE

Aaaaaaaagh!!!! I am losing what little tolerance I had for finding and dealing with bugs IN my 'house'. This little closet I'm living in is frustrating enough and I was really trying to keep an open mind about it. But...since day one I have been finding bugs and I am getting creeped out more and more every time I find one. Mucho spiders and as long as they're not black widows, I have been semi-OK with them...although not great. Then it was the 2 big and black cockroaches, then the brown one...all which I seemed to find in the middle of the night and then couldn't get back to sleep due to the eerie visions I had of spraying them with raid and watching them jump and flinch and die...then the clean up...then wondering if there were more that would crawl on me as I slept. I'm getting the 'willies' just talking about this but I have to let it out. Last night I found what I think was an earwig, it was a long centipede looking thing with 'pinchers' on its back end...I discovered it crawling and writhing around on my bathroom sink and hiding under a toothpaste squeezer...GROSS. I left it. I walked away. I am out of coping skills. I got in late tonight and it was dark as I tried to unlock the front door, at times the security light would go on but it lasts for mere seconds...I couldn't seem to get the door open and felt moths hitting me and dropping onto me and I was jumping and screaming as they did. Moths. I have sunk to this level, scared of moths...this is what I mean, I have NO tolerance left. The bugs have worn me down, they have won. I feel like things are crawling on me all the time, I feel creepy crawlies on my head, my legs and I'm always rubbing or brishing these invisible bugs off of myself...I know, you're thinking 'psych ward'. Oh yeah, I am almost there people. Monday. I'm calling a property rental company and starting a dedicated search for a bigger, CLEANER, and bug free home to rent. Oh my god, I think there is something crawling on me, I'm not kidding.

America and Wal-Mart

Whoa. Stopped by Wal-Mart to grab a digital voice recorder on the cheap and a few office supplies...Friday night...the place was a ZOO. I think the whole town goes straight to Wal-Mart once the work whistle blows on Friday. I'll stick with my small town of 1500 or so people thank you very much. As I drove home, what a difference. Main street out here on a Friday night was calm and quiet! Note to self...no more trips to Wal-Mart, let alone on a Friday night.

Tamaya

Oh. My. God. This place is...there are no words. I can't believe I haven't been there until now. I figured it was your typical Hyatt resort, duh, we're in NM Trace...I should have known better. The drive in is gorgeous, the hotel and scenery beautiful, the paths through the bosque, the pools, the spa...definately going back for a weekend stay and some sort of massage treatment. Wow. If ever in Albuquerque, don't miss this place, even if you just go and grab a coffee and walk along the paths. I am reminded of why I love it here so much. Not that I need much reminding though.

My 30 day raw challenge

The traveling set me a little off course from my raw diet...who can resist junk food on a road trip? Certainly NOT me. Tough to get back on track after the Hershey bars, DQ blizzards, pizza...and I HAD to have that Indian fry bread...mmm mmm MMM!

OK, I make it sound like that was ALL I was eating, not true. But I managed to sneak the junk in with the good. So, to get back on track I decided to do 30 days raw. I'm already on day 9 and going strong. I haven't been lured by temptation yet, except for a sopaipilla. Those are like crack to me! I'm feeling good and I have a countdown calendar on my whiteboard, I check off each day I've been raw for motivation and to see my stellar progress : ) Go Tracey, go Tracey!

I'm getting more creative at the green smoothie thing and even made up my own recipe, which I might add, has been a hit with other non raw people around me who think it looks like sludge. Here's the recipe in case you want to try it yourself:

Tracey's Green-a-liscious smoothie

1 red apple (cut into big chunks)
1 good chunk of cantaloupe
3 strawberries
2-3 leaves of Kale (no stem, it doesn't blend well)
fist full of romaine
water (fill to about 1/4 BELOW the top of the food)

Blend blend blend and happy drinking!

"Let food be thy medicine" -Hippocrates

A snapshot from the road

Meet Officer Matt. Someone tried to steal the UHaul trailer sometime in the wee hours while I was soundly sleeping in a hotel in Salt Lake City. Woke up, grabbed a coffee, and headed to the car. That's when I noticed all the chains and electrical cords undone. Thankfully, being me, I packed that trailer to the 'tits' and it was too heavy for the guys to lift off my hitch! I alerted the hotel manager just so he was aware and found out that another UHaul HAD been stolen that night, a down and out looking woman and her daughter moving everything they own to California. They're life was in that trailer and my heart really went out to them. I almost wish the thieves would have taken my trailer and not theirs. Had to file a report with the North Salt Lake Police...then back on the road.

New Mexico

Not really in the mood to write tonight but managed to change my main blog picture...this is Wilson's Arch somewhere along the road in Moab, Utah. The road trip was freeing and fun. I'm glad for the extra day of travels taken which was spent in Yellowstone, beautiful there and deserving of a future camping trip in the Boler. Must plan. I am feeling disoriented on the road of life right now and unfortunately don't feel in the mood to chit chat these days. But here's a quick note to say I made it to NM and here's hoping for some direction and spark back into life...any time now would be nice.

Fear

The 'f' word of the day. That's right, I said it. Fear can be paralyzing and it IS paralyzing me today. This morning my mind is racing and my stomach is spinning and I'm worrying about cancer being in other places. I thought that when I finished my treatments, I'd get the 'all clear' and suddenly feel free and lifted. It was just cancer in one area and they got it right? DONE! Back to 'normal' and feeling safe and healthy again. Not the case this morning. That swallow problem I've had for over a year, is it a brain tumor? Maybe cancer of the larynx/pharynx? MS even? I suddenly feel the urge to book an MRI. I definately need a good chat with the oncologists again...I'm just waiting for the f/u appt. to be scheduled, likely not until next week. And as much as I hate MRIs, I'm going to request one. Peace of mind is powerful. And Dr. Joe Murray is in town next week to teach a FEES course (fibre endoscopic evaluation of swallowing)...a scoping course and I'm glad I'm registered for it. I'll get scoped by the best of the best SLPs in the world and hopefully rule out the laryngeal fear I have! Crazy right? Well, welcome to world of cancer people. It ain't always pretty.

Crazy, Sexy Me!

After a so-so mammogram and ultrasound yesterday, I hit another low. Likely nothing to worry about according to the radiologist, but I need definitive answers not maybes! Tonight I went online and googled my hero and inspiration, Kris Carr. It did the trick. I rekindled the fighting spirit and drive to keep on truckin'...even if I'm not fighting cancer anymore (well, let's face it, from now on that will always be in my thoughts) and instead now fighting scary thoughts, worries and what-ifs...I had to be reminded that things are OK or will be OK and that I CAN do this. I'm still in need of a bit more convincing but I'm on my way again. Here's to raw food, wheatgrass, running and relaxation! Loads of good info and insight, check it out:


http://crazysexylife.com/ be prepared to be inspired!

Thanks to my sista

A big shout out to sista G for doing a sweat in my honor this weekend. May it bring the sun.

Sunny Days

Well, sista G pointed out that I'm the last one on her blog list and that I should get blogging! It has been a while. Reason being, I have a few major things on the go that I'm keeping hush hush until they evolve a little more. Its not that I'm trying to keep them sacred, its just not time to put it out there yet.

Today is a beautiful, warm and sunny day. Finally! I have been soaking up the warmth and fresh air. I heard its supposed to be 0 degrees again on Thursday with more snow...let's hope that's just a rumor!

I was at the thrift store again today and I found an old tin foil/wax paper/saran wrap dispenser. It took me a while to convince myself to buy it because I try not to use those products anymore, in honor of Mother Earth. But...being a sucker for the reminder of grandma Thurston (she would have had something like this in her house, from that era) I snapped it up. Maybe I'll find a new use for it.

Feeling good these days...still a bit tired but radiation will be done end of next week. Time flies. 5 weeks of radiation 5 days a week seemed like forever looking back. But it isn't.

I'm off to Vancouver next weekend for level 2 of my living foods program. After this course, I can teach people level one. But I'm really doing it for me. I've been dying to buy a dehydrater and make these awesome raw veggie flax or sesame crackers...but I'm waiting until after the course. We'll be learning more about them and so I have to tame my Gemini impulsivity and wait! Well, I don't have to but I am.

Laundry's done, better go get at it.

Short and Sweet

Still here, just nothing to write about...I think its mainly because I feel tired every day...awake enough to function through the day but tired enough to not have the energy or flair for email or to write on my blog page. I'm slowly coming out of the fog, but the key word is slowly. Lots going on actually, maybe I'll get to putting it down on my blog this week. Thought I better get something on here again in the meantime.

Catching up

Its been a while since I've blogged. I've been pretty tired these past few weeks and haven't been in writing mode. But my energy is slowly picking up! Time to catch up on the days past.

I finally finished ONE of my moccasins after two 4-5 hour classes and weeeeeeks of beading in between! I have a whole new appreciation for anything beaded or handmade using hide and sinew. My fingers were bleeding today. Seriously, I have blood on my moccasins as proof. Thankfully, I wasn't the only one. Battle scars! I'm pretty impressed with myself to be perfectly honest! It feels good to put so much heart, effort, time, and soul into making something. I have one more moccasin to finish, they take so much time. You'd never know it by looking at the finished product, but trust me on that, they take tiiiiime. I love that I learned a new craft but I'm not sure if I'll remember all the details over time. I hope I do.

Chatted with the Metis/Cree instructor and have been invited to a 'Cultural Camp' somewhere north and not sure when...lots of Cree Elders will be there and I suspect a lot of teaching about our culture...both Cree and Metis. Sister Gigi will need to come with me for that. The instructor, Brenda, also works with Native medicines. This was passed down to her through her grandmother. She's offered to work with me and asked if I wanted to be one of her case studies. That's a definate yes. I'm excited to get to know her better and take in some traditional Native healing. I am really excited that all of this came about. She said it would also be good for me to do a sweat, which is in the plans this summer...at Red Willow with my sista 'Red Wolf Woman'.

Not much else to report really...its been all about the moccasins these past few weeks. I start radiation tomorrow. I went for a mick tril last week and is it ever quick and painless! Nothing compared to chemo! Three cheers to that! It'll be a pain going EVERY day for the next 5 weeks but its worth it. Looks like I'm going back to work around April 6th as well...my oncologist was trying to talk me out of it but I'm eager to make some decent money again and to get back in the real world.

Time for bed and to rest my weary fingers!

Making moccasins

I can't wait to finish them! Signed up for this workshop and so glad I did. Little things like this make me feel like I'm connecting to my history but at the same time it also feels so far away. I have a lot of beading to do before the second half of the workshop and I hope I remember how to do it outside of class. The instructor is also Metis and has close ties to her Cree and Iroqouis heritage...she lives the Native way and learned from her Native ancestors since she was young. I liked learning from someone who is traditional and passionate about passing on this info so its not lost, like making moccasins. She told me that the Metis were known as the "Flower Bead Makers"...we learned the traditional Native way of beading and the flowers came from the Gray Nuns. Apparently, they used to crochet flowers and our people began to incorporate them into their beadwork. I love beads and beadwork, and hides, especially the smell of smoke from being tanned...I am so glad to finally be learning this. Classes like this are rare in the area. I feel like I lucked out. I can't wait to teach others or make mocassins for them.

Channeling Kokopelli and the Merman

I finally made it to Banff today. It was a beautiful day and warm! The roads were good, I was relieved. I grabbed my usual decaf soy latte with a shot of vanilla from Beamers and hit the road. A short but pretty drive. First stop was the Banff Indian Trading Post across the river. I always love this place even if it is half authentic Native goods and half souvenirs. Everyone comes to see the "merman" at the back of the store, I laugh everytime I see it, especially because of the tufts of white hair all over its head. Two young boys came to see it...I heard them come rushing to the back of the store. It was hilarious watching them and listening..."Is it alive"? Too funny. I think this is where my parents bought us our moccasins when we were young...mine were white with beads and lined with white rabbit fur...I wore those endlessly. I always remember those. (I can't wait for part one of my mocassin making class tomorrow).

I liked reading about the history of this Trading Post...the animals and animal heads have been there since the 1900s. There used to be Banff Indian Days when the Stoneys would come and dance, race, do archery and have a parade. Those days are gone. Too bad, wouldn't that be incredible to see now? And then.

Anyway. I unexpectedly found a gift for my nephew Henry, and a gift from the past for my brother...I'll tell you what that is once he has it in case he reads the blog. I think he'll laugh when he sees it and appreciate it at the same time. I soaked it all in and then went to main street. My three goals were to buy a drum, look at the Native flutes and get a Lululemon hoodie (I don't have one if you can believe that). I also saw a TV ad about a second hand store in one of the malls that I wanted to find.

I didn't find the second hand store but I did buy a black Lulu hoodie. Then I made my way to Sleeping Buffalo, another Native store. Well, right away I saw the flutes and asked about them The young guy/store clerk was so keen and helpful from the get go. He knew all about these flutes and has one himself. We laughed that we both used to play the clarinet...what are the odds that a guy played the clarinet? We bonded. I was glad to have someone so easy to talk with about the flutes. I wasn't intimidated. I asked him to play them for me...since he knew how and my lips are chapped and embarassingly cracked and raw. Of course this is the time I decide to check out flutes, key focus being the mouth! Aaaagh! I get myself into these situations all the time. The store provides straws to stick in the flute so you can play them...but I was too embarassed and self conscious. Plus, I have no idea how to play and it was good to hear the sound being played on its own, by someone else. I could focus on the sound and how it made me feel.

The sound was incredible. Relaxing. Again, like hearing the drum, I melted. I much preferred the sound from the cedar flute versus the walnut. It was deeper, calmer and went right to my core. And later, wouldn't you know that I found out that cedar is one of the original woods used by the Native Americans? Hmmm. Interesting. So much for the drum. I was sold on the flute and it felt right to be buying this. I did look at the drums, this is what I came for, but I soon realized that the drum is still too 'big' for me, I am not ready. I'm more comfortable hearing it played by others. And I knew I would play the flute right away and often.

My flute is quite plain and I love it. I'm hoping a name for it comes to me. Right now I just call it 'Cedar'. It came with a book and CD...very homemade looking book and CD which I love. When I got home, I read the intro to the book and the man who wrote it said,

"My experience is that it is a very magical instrument, in that it seems to appear when one needs it most."

Well, that's how it worked out for me today. He's right.

I finally played it, just notes, randomly. I love it. LOOOVE it. It sounds pretty just playing it without any idea of what I'm doing. And although I'll try and learn 'proper' notes and songs, the auther of this book and flute maker reminds us that the Indians did not have written music. Just music passed down from Elders and ancestors, or from sounds in nature.

That's the story of my flute!

Brrrrrr

Its snowing hard out there and windy. Just looking out the window makes me sneeze! White out conditions at the moment...looks like my trip to Banff is on hold for at least a day. Oh well. It wouldn't be much fun walking along main street in this weather. And I'm a pansy when it comes to winter driving. I would love to hit the hot springs though! Gotta wait a few more weeks for that...the ol' immune system needs to catch up before I go soak myself in a public pool of water! But oh how I have been craving to go there all season. Poor Kiva is whining to go outside, this is her kind of weather. Such a snow dog. Sorry girl, mom's a wimp today. Thankfully Jacqueline the biathlete/dog walker will be coming by to take Kiva to the dog park. She's a hardier stock than me, a true mountain woman type and used to being outside in this wintery stuff! 3 cheers for Jacqueline. By the way, this photo was taken today at around 2:00 p.m. Yep, its cold and gray out there!

Synchronicity

It started with the beating of a drum. I decided not to go to Banff today (I'm going tomorrow) and instead walked main street here in town. I went into a gemstone store that I've been meaning to go into for a while now. I'm not big on crystals and gemstones but I thought they might have some other neat stuff too. That store has the best vibe when you go inside. I felt so good in there...music playing, just a really good feel to it.

I noticed some sweetgrass, sage and sweetgrass and sage incense as well...I wondered if this is something I should get for the Elder when I do my first sweat in April. I put it down. I then picked up a clear quartz crystal key chain which I couldn't put down so I hung on to it and kept wandering through the store with it clutched in my hand. Then I heard the beating of the drum. I melted. Instant relaxation, I felt like a noodle I was so relaxed! I wondered why the store keeper was beating on the drum...was it instinctively for me? No...couldn't be. I decided then and there that I need a drum. It's time. I've been eyeing them ever since living in New Mexico but it never felt quite right to actually make a purchase. I didn't buy a drum from this store either as the clerk who knows all about the person who made them was not there and I need to know this information. And, I want to check out the Banff Native store before I choose one. I did have the clerk play them for me so I could hear the different sounds they made, and I beat them myself. It went straight to my core. I will buy a drum this week. Synchronicity...I am on my Native path, funny that this would happen.

Then I noticed the clerk's ring, gorgeous! Silver with a big fat rainbow moonstone...I didn't know it was moonstone until she told me. It almost looks like a white opal, wow. I made her pull out a ring tray and tried some on. And I bought one. I HAD to. Since coming home I looked up the meaning of moonstone...its one of the birthstones for June. MY birthday is in June. Synchronicity. It is considered to be a sacred gemstone and get this...

*it is associated with the pineal gland and brings hormonal balance
*it brings good fortune to the wearer

*promotes inner growth and strength

*protects those of a sensitive nature

*soothes and balances the emotions...balances yin and yang

*brings good emotions to the wearer

*it is considered to be a 'woman's stone' and for babies or a 'goddess' stone

*enhances intuition

*promotes inspiration

*brings sucess in love and business

*ignites passion

*used in meditation to understand self

Legend states that if you gaze into the stone you will fall into a deep sleep that would tell the future. Hmmm...all of these things fit with my life right now and what I need.

Then, I head to the bagel place for a sesame bagel with spinach & red pepper cream cheese. I didn't want to go home right away and needed something for lunch so I deviated from my raw diet a little. As I was waiting for my bagel, I see a sign for a workshop happening at the Canmore Coop. I checked out the Coop a month or so ago but it was still in the making and not quite ready, I wanted to join. And here it is again in front of me, and not only that, but the workshop is to learn how to make moccasins! I called right away, joined and signed up for the workshop. Saturday is part one and then the next half is later in the month. Synchronicity...the Coop and the moccasins. And I have always been obsessed with leather and beadwork like on moccasins...I used to have a pair as a kid, white with beads and rabbit fur. I used to constantly buy little wallets from the Banff Native store...with beads and smell the smoke from the hide.

So, this was my day. A great day. It started getting cold and windy, and I needed to get home to let Kiva out of her kennel. So, I'm back home. Tonight I'll make a fire and relax and reflect some more. I'm hoping to find something for my sister tomorrow in Banff as well.

Mountain therapy

I deleted my last blog entry. In retrospect, I don't think it was a good idea to vent on my blog...I hate being vulnerable and showing the negative side of me. Because I'm rarely negative. I need to get more comfortable with that because after all, life isn't always rosy. You can say that again sista! I've always admired those people who are honest and raw to the core, say-it like-it-is-kind-of-people, salt of the earth.

Anyway...mountain therapy. I was worried that it would be too lonely up here and that I might have too much time to think which could be overwhelming and depressing. But, that's not the case. I'm loving the time alone with my girl Kiva (dog) in the mountains. At least so far. I spent the weekend buying groceries and settling in, now I can start to kick back and relax. I'm back on the raw veggie diet full force versus half assed which feels good and I keep collecting 'cook' books...always ones with easy and quick recipes like "Raw food for busy people". Keeping it simple. Tonight I'm going to try making veggie udon soup.

I'm a regular at "Nutters", the local organic and community grocery store. Somehow the name alone makes me feel like I belong, ha ha. I brought my sewing machine to try and finish a few things I'm trying to make for my niece and nephew, and a few books, some music, videos...stuff to help me distract and also focus on my wellness. My latest kick is pH and the whole acid/alkaline food/body thing. I'm truly convinced that food is the key to my recovery and continued good health.

I rented a movie called 'Dear Frankie' on the weekend, good one. Any excuse to go to the movie rental place here...free popcorn as you browse, can't beat that!

Went for a walk today with Kiva and thought I'd never make it home! Still in recovery from my last and final chemo treatment, plus it has taken a toll overall on my weight, cardio, etc...all 'normal' according to the doctors but it feels crappy. I look in the mirror and see a big, bloated person, not me. My legs felt weak and on the way back I of course took the stairs up the mini mountain...if it weren't for Kiva pulling me up the last set of stairs I would still be on that trail. Good thing she's a husky! She was a real trooper and just seemed to know, she stepped in front and started to pull and lead instinctively. I can't wait to get her skijoring next year! How pathetic that walking has now become serious exercise for me. But...I already have my running schedule printed out and ready...I think in another week I can dive in slowly.

Well, off to coffee at Beamer's. Looking forward to a soy latte and warming up. Still feel bone cold after cooling off from my walk. Going to go to Banff tomorrow for a little stroll and shop. I want to find a Native flute at Sleeping Bear and visit the Native store. That's the latest day in the life of me.

Monumental Day

Yay! My last chemo treatment is this afternoon and then I feel like I'll be over the rainbow where the clouds are far behind me and my troubles have melted away like lemon drops. I can't say I'm looking forward to chemo today (not at all!!!!) but, big picture...it's a good day.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

Random highlights & thoughts of the week

Joaquin Phoenix. If you saw the Letterman clip, you know what I'm talking about. Sad to see what Hollywood can do to someone. This guy needs some intervention and fast. Breaks my heart to see him this way. And we all know what happened to his brother River. Let's hope someone steps in and gets Joaquin the help he needs. Its easy to laugh but we should be lending a hand.

The 60 year-old woman who gave birth to twins via IVF. SO sick of this story inundating the news. Darwin stated that, "the urge to procreate is stronger than the urge to survive". And he's right. Unless you've walked in this lady's shoes, I don't think any of us have the right to judge. How about celebrating and supporting this family instead of judging so harshly?

Me & my friend chemo. Last round is on Thursday! Got postponed from Tuesday, my 'counts' were too low. Had more blood tests today and hoping we're good for Thursday. I just want this done and I'm sick of blood tests every 3 weeks. Especially when I only have one useable arm and the lab staff have to 'dig' for veins at this point! Need I say more? Gross.

Spaghetti and meatballs. Tonight's the night!

Books. I've decided to limit TV and read more. I have 3 books on the go and a pile waiting...typical Gemini. Everything ranging from raw foods to Reiki to novels. I'm loving the book by the Dalai Lama. My goal is no TV when I move to New Mexico. I still get a twinge in my gut when I say that...I'm a sucker for the Bonnie Hunt Show and American Idol...it'll be tough.

Recycled clothing. I am feeling so good about myself every time I get dressed in the morning! Most everything is second hand...it makes me feel like I'm making a difference.

Josh Ritter. Still on a high about the postcard he sent me!

Other big news. We'll wait and see. Stay tuned.

Spaghetti and meatballs

I really don't have anything specific to say but thought I shoud add another blog entry. Went out for Valentine's dinner last night...favorite Italian restaurant...called ahead to make sure we could have the spaghetti and meatballs (my favorite at this place) even though they had a set menu for the big night. We were assured this would be no problem but it was. When we got to the restaurant and tried to order the spaghetti and meatballs we were told it was impossible. And the menu choices were pretty limited for me...3 fish dishes (hate fish), one mushroom and veal dish (mushrooms give me a rash) and peppercorn steak (I'm avoiding meat, especially red meat). I sucked it up and ate the steak, which admittedly was very good but I felt cheated. So, looks like a repeat visit to this restaurant this week for the spaghetti and meatballs. I have to satisfy my craving or I'll never stop obsessing about it! They are that good! In all honesty, in my 37 years I have never tried spaghetti and meatballs, ever, until a month ago with my mom, at this same restaurant. I think I saw an ad on TV with spaghetti and meatballs during my 'post chemo protein craving phase' and I was determined to have them! Now I'm hooked. I can't believe my whole blog entry is about this! Other than my current food addiction...looks like chemo is postponed until Thursday instead of Tuesday (my counts are too low) but I'm not complaining! Even though its my last treatment, I'm happy to have a few more days of feeling good before another hit. And of course, waiting on the other big thing going on in my life which I won't mention now...only if it works...stay tuned for that. Life is an emotional roller coaster again, for the time being. I tend to minimalize how much is going on in my life and don't recognize the impact it has on me until others point it out, which they have and I'm thankful they do. It makes me stop and take five instead of bulldozing through it all. But I'm holding my own and somehow get by. Good things this year, good things for 2009, I still fully believe that is true for me.

World Sound Healing Day

Tomorrow is "world sound healing day". I've really connected to sound and its effects on me. I participated in a sound wellness workshop last weekend...loved it and learned a lot. This really resonates with me and goes deep into my core. I'm joining in a group toning tomorrow morning from 9:00-12:00 and I cannot wait. I find this so therapeutic and freeing. Lettng my voice out. Many people all over the world will be toning in honor of this day...started by Jonathon Goldman in Colorado. He's one of the sound wellness pioneers. I plan to buy a Native flute in Banff and a drum sometime down the road. The woman who taught the sound wellness workshop had both, among other instruments like crystal and Tibetan singing bowls...I would never have thought to get a Native flute until I saw and heard hers...wow. And I love the sound of the drum. Perhaps this is part of my ancestry showing itself? I wish I lived closer to my sista "Gigi" so we could experience a lot of these together at the same time...I carry her with me.

Dreams do come true!

It pays to follow your heart and not hold back. Today I got a postcard from Josh Ritter in the mail. JOSH RITTER!!!! I wondered, "who do I know in Alaska?"...I looked at the signature and couldn't quite make it out. Then I read the postcard and BAM! It hit me! Josh Ritter! I couldn't believe my eyes. I have been on a giddy high all afternoon because of this. Since this whole cancer shmancer thing, I vowed to myself that I would not hold back and I would follow my heart, do things I only once thought about and go after my dreams...big and small. I think Josh would relate, he lives life with such passion. I wrote to Josh a few months back. I decided that rather than just think how great he is and his music is, I should tell him. Often enough, no matter who we are, we don't always hear the great things that people think about us. We hold these thoughts inside instead of sharing them and making people feel good. So, that spurred me to pick up the mighty pen and tell THE Mr. Josh Ritter what an inspiration and joy he is. I had completely forgotten about this until today. I never expected a response. Amazing. AMAZING. I am on top of the world. And what a great guy...he spent money to buy and send a postcard to a fan, and took the time out of his busy schedule to write. Thanks Josh!!!!

Santa Fe prison riot of 1980

Ok, kinda weird timing. I was on 'youtube' tonight and started searching for my favorite New Mexico band (Cuarenta y Cinco). This led me to search about my favorite church in Chimayo, and then about the 1980 prison riot in Santa Fe. It happened on February 2nd and 3rd...today is February 4th. Hmmm. Did my subconscious tune in? Having worked in a prison facility in Albuquerque, I was very familiar with the stories about this riot and actually, without disclosing too much info, worked with a young family member of one of the key rioters...yikes. I developed an interest and fascination with this event. I actually toured this exact prsion years later, on Friday the 13th of all nights! It was a 'ghost tour'...the prison is now empty and often used for movies...one of the guards who gave the tour was actually there during the riot. I would have liked to talk to him more but at the same time, I didn't want to make him re-live those memories. What he saw must be burned in his mind forever. Anyway, if you're up for some sad and horrifying New Mexcio history...check out this website:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Mexico_State_Penitentiary_Riot

Thinking of the road ahead

I just got the info about my radiation schedule...I start in late March and my last treatment will be April 29th. My LAST treatment. Done. Life begins again. I can smell New Mexico! I can't describe how good it felt to get that call and start talking and thinking about radiation, it will be a breeeeeze compared to chemo. And, it felt incredible to have an end date to all this. No more cancer. No more treatment. I am free. The road ahead is wide open and I am ready to burn some rubber.

Gong show...

That pretty much sums up my day today. It started at the bank...the banker was extremely nice but confused, scattered and kept repeating the same thing to me over and over. I appreciated his thoughtfulness, he only wanted to be thorough, but ugh. It got to be a little much. He was wearing his name badge upside down and I thought to myself, "that says it all", ha ha. Then I had to go register my car. I got pulled over the other day because apparently I was driving without registration...since SEPTEMBER! What?! How did that happen? Anyway, the police officer was nice enough to let me go with a warning. But he made sure to tell me I avoided a $230.00 ticket. Phew! Thank you Constable whoever you are! However, when I got to the registry, I had to pay for a few outstanding tickets as well as my registration, so I basically screwed myself anyway! I then spent the afternoon hunting down fabric and blanket binding for the carft I'm making...which is on the 'down low' until its done and sent! No sneak peeks here. It was actually exhausting trying to pick and choose the 'right' stuff but I came out a winner and I think its going to look great when its done. I'm exhausted and plan to get to bed early tonight.

Daytime TV

I'm hooked on the Bonnie Hunt Show. She reminds me of my friend Marci in New Mexico...good natured, good hearted and funny. Plus her accent kills me...Bonnie is apparently from Chicago but sounds more like Wisconsin or North Dakota. Old fashioned values and lots of laughs. For some reason her set makes me think of Palm Springs. I would love to be a guest on a talk show.

Project Porchlight

These light blulbs were dropped off in the
mailbox months ago...a certain un-named 'someone' kept putting off replacing the existing non-efficient light bulbs with these new ones because they "might be too low and hit the door". I decided to take charge today and actually check it out, finally. The new bulbs don't hit the door AND...the light bulb socket thingy can be moved if they had hit the door. Ugh. Sometimes we are so lazy, but I'm glad I made the change today! Here's to Project Porchlight and one more step for doing good for the environment!

Blue boxes and my morning shake

Well, the recycling boxes have been on the 'curb' since 8:00 a.m. as instructed. They look lonely out there waiting for pick-up but it's a relief to know it won't be me dragging my piles of stored up recycling over weeks to the city depots anymore. I actually liked my trips to the depot though, and I always felt good about myself after I had sorted it all into the respectful bins...cardboard, glass, paper. But, the city depots don't recycle near as many things and me not driving to the depots cuts down on my carbon footprint, so this is the better choice for many reasons.
TRACEY'S RAW GREEN SHAKE RECIPE:This is my morning ritual (the photo isn't of a green shake...can't stomach the greens immediately post chemo, but it looks pretty similar)...not so scary right? SO good! And good for you. Trust me.

In a blender, add:

-handful of organic frozen rasperries (fresh is too expensive right now but do it when you can)
-handful of organic frozen strawberries (about 6)
-handful of organic frozen blueberries OR blackberries
-handful of organic kale OR spinach OR romaine lettuce
-3/4 C organic pineapple juice, peach juice, whatever juice you like really...my fav is pineapple
-1/2 C filtered water

Blend and enjoy! You can save any leftover shake in the fridge but it's best to drink it right away to get the most nutrients. Usually makes enough for 2 people. These are low glycemic index fruits as well so they won't whack out your blood sugar levels first thing in the a.m.

And if you use kale, it's delicious but blend it longer, it's a hardy plant and needs a bit more time to break down in the blender so you're not eating chunks of it in your shake...I learned that the hard way,

I did it

Round 5 of chemo...done. Wow, only one more to go. I was a nervous wreck this morning. I drank a Coke and ate popcorn before bed last night while I watched the SAG Awards (Screen Actors Guild)...I was desperate to catch up on Hollywood. Anyway, the caffeine and sugar kept me awake for 90% of the night!!!! I KNEW this would happen and yet, I have very little ability to resist temptation. So, with little sleep I went to the cancer clinic feeling wiped out and vulnerable. But the nurses are incredible. I was tempted to rip the IV out of my arm and bolt several times but...I managed to keep it together and get it done. I've taken my meds and now plan to settle into my usual place in the bed or on the couch for the next week...oh the joys of recovery. I was thinking today though, that I'm glad I had chemo over the winter months...I can wear a toque and not have to worry about fancier hats or wigs too often, I can hibernate and not really miss too much weather related stuff (ok, there is skiing)...and I'll be done my treatments right before spring. I can renew myself in the spring, like every other living thing! Everything will be coming alive, including me.

A day in the life of...

A Gemini. I tell ya, one thing we're known for is 'variety'. No theme to this post, just my ramblings about anything and everything. I'm a Gemini through and through. I can keep it together and toe the line with the best of them, but sometimes the Gemini in me reigns and I find myself thinking or doing a million things. So...last night I watched an interview with the Dixie Chicks about the years during and after their statement that they were embarassed that President Bush was from Texas. Love their song 'I'm not ready to make nice' but another one hit home for me last night...they sang the 'long road home'...I put it on my blog playlist. Have a listen, it's very 'Tracey' for the most part.

I didn't make it to the ski hill (Sunshine) thanks to suddenly feeling overwhlemed by so many doctor appts. at the end of last week that I crashed and couldn't commit to a weekend trip right before chemo. I need down time each weekend before another round. But how I would have loved to be up on the hill! I could have stopped chemo if I wanted to by the way, I did ask on Friday...but, "studies have been done on 6 trials" and not less so I sucked it up and said I'll continue. I'm not an idiot, I know it would be stupid to quit. But I really hoped I'd hear something different so I could quit. My coworker Kevin related my chemo to running by reminding me that it's the middle kilometres that are the hardest. I'm through that and now...2 more rounds to go and I'm at the finish line. Yes, so true. Another friend said, "you've come all this way, why stop now?". Well, I can tell you a million reasons why to stop right now, ha ha, but she's right. Tomorrow I'm off to round 5. Ugh.

I did do a little retail therapy this afternoon at the mall. I went against my I'll-only-buy-recycled-clothing rule just this once. And I blame Stacy and whatever his name is from the TV show 'What Not To Wear'. I watched that last night too and they happened to have a woman with my same body type on as their 'victim'. I was brain washed into thinking I needed to dress nicer to feel nicer, and with all these new rules for shopping that seemed to fit my body type, how could I resist shopping? And especially before a chemo treatment? Really, it was inevitible. I did manage to buy a few things including a dress, yes a dress, which I can't wait to wear! I'm 50% tomboy and 50% girly girl when it comes to my wardrobe. The show inspired me to channel the girly girl! Now I just need a great pair of shoes...

Signed up for community recycling which will start on Wednesday. I've been taking all my recycling to the depot myself but decided this would be easier and keep me from stock piling the recycling for weeks! I bought 2 blue boxes for a mere $2.49 each and they're ready to make their debut on the curb on Wednesday. This idea only took me over a year to act upon, I'm a little slow.

Also on my mind is another blog about a woman who lives on a 40 acre farm with her family in Amish country. They were just invited to an Amish family's house for lunch and she chronicles her experiences living with these people. Which sounds incredible to me! The sense of community, people working together...how rare is that in today's day? Why is it that people always seem to be livng my dream? I always talk about wanting to live with the Amish! I'm not kidding. And here someone IS doing just that! I need to sit down with my dreams and passions and sort myself out so I'm actually living them. New Mexico however, is one that will happen. So that's a start I guess. Breaking new ground...I'm ready to do everything my heart desires...NM is the starting line.

Might head up to the mountains in a week and hang out there until round 6. My buddy Mike has been skiing up at the Nordic Centre and we've been meaning to to catch up over a coffee at Beamer's. And that's about all I have to say...a mouthful!

Time for bed, I think I'm procrastinating...my treatment is in the morning instead of the afternoon this time. Oh well, guess that means I get it over with sooner. I'm already feeling sick in anticipation. The power of the mind.

Gazpacho recipe...raw and delicious!

This is the best raw food recipe I have come across yet! Try and use organic and all raw fruits and veggies to get the best health benefits and avoid those nasty pesticides!

Loosely chop and blend the following ingredients in a blender until smooth:

1/2 C water
2 tbs. olive oil
5 large ripe tomatoes (I used only 3)
2 cloves garlic
3-5 dates, pitted...or you can use raisins
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/2 tsp. sea salt (optional)
1 bunch fresh basil (I didn't use fresh but it was organic)

Now you have the Gazpacho liquid.

Cut the following veggies into 1/4 inch cubes:

1 large avocado
1 medium bell pepper
5 stick celery
1 small onion (optional)...I used 2 big, fat green onions

Mix all ingredients in a medium to large bowl and dig in. I garnished the soup with broccoli sprouts...SO good, I promise! Makes about 4-5 servings.

Much about nothing

I don't have a specific topic in mind for today's blog but thought I'd stick something on here. I'm drinking rooibos tea with rice milk, I guess it's a homemade 'rooibos rice milk latte'. Not bad, but not what I was craving either. I didn't get around to buying those Olympic glasses...and after reading my sista's blog about the recession we're in, I might put those on hold. Seems frivolous to purchase glasses that I don't really need right now. But I'm sticking with the idea that when I have to buy something new, it will support a cause if possible.

Had a consult with the radiologist this afternoon. Nice, older British guy. Looks like 5 weeks of radiation are in my future, the month of April. I have to get a CT scan before that. I had to laugh because the doc spent a great deal of time explaining to me that the CT scan is NOT enclosed or claustrophobic, how it's open and the machine won't touch me...he probably saw on my chart how I've been putting off an MRI. I'm thinking that's why I'm now scheduled for CT vs. MRI...and thank you for that! I hate MRIs.

Off to the mountains tomorrow. Excited to be on a ski hill again, even though skiing isn't an option for me right now due to my 'condition'...it'll be fun to reminisce and enjoy the great white outdoors. It's been ages, I used to ski all the time. I'm sure I'll feel envious of all the skiiers on the hill but I'm just thankful for a little getaway before round 5 of chemo on Monday.

Time to go try and nap before heading out to dinner with my dad, sister and brother-in-law.

Brainstorm

So tonight I'm watching TV and see a commercial for Petro Canada and Olympic drinking glasses. They cost $3.99 per glass and the money supports Canadian athletes. This got me thinking. Since I'm buying most stuff 'recycled' (like clothing)...and I have a phobia about buying some things second hand (like pillows, sheets, etc.)...I've decided that when I have to buy something new, I'll try and make sure it supports a cause. I think I might go buy 6 Olympic glasses tomorrow to take with me to my new home in New Mexico. I'll just stash them with the other stuff I'm panning to take in the meantime. It'll be my first attempt at following through on this new idea of mine. And since I can't be athletic right now, why not support those who can!

Obama Inaugeration

Big day in both US history and world history today...I just watched the inaugeration of the 44th President of the United States of America and I'm completely impressed and inspired by Obama and his administration! LOVE. That was the key focus. Uniting nations, peace, working together. Incredible. His words and the words of the poet and Rev. Lowery, both inspiring and light. It's a brand new day people, not only for the US but for the world. It's a brand new day.

Welcome Henry!

I'm officially an auntie again. Henry Paul came into the world at the crack of dawn and looks like a real cutie. Just talked with my brother and everybody is doing well. Can't wait to meet the little guy.

Good Company

I went for coffee with my great friend and coworker Bonnie this afternoon. We walked over to Weed's and caught each other up in about 3 1/2 hours over lattes and bagels. Lots of good gossip, stories and laughter. LOTS of laughter. I have missed her and it was so, so great to get out and have some girl time.

Update

I think I've nailed it. I love my blog!

I love Josh Ritter

I LOVE him. There, I said it. So what?! I really do have a crazy obsession with that guy. I would love to meet him and just hang out for a day. Mind you, given that opportunity I would probably chicken out...well, freak out for sure.

Second Hand

Went shopping today at Value Village, I love second hand shopping but you need to be in the mood...and today I was. Dropped the dog off at 'daycare' and then realized I was close to a 'VV'. Found a few 'scores' which are now in the wash. I had committed to start buying only organic or recycled clothing last year and I'm living up to that goal in 2009. Organic clothing is pretty pricey so I'm thinking I'll be spending a lot of time at second hand stores instead. I'm planning to go through my entire closet tonight or tomorrow and get rid of everything I don't wear...down size. And, also in preparation of packing light for New Mexico.

Planning

I can't seem to get my road trip to NM off my mind and the big move. It's what I have been waiting for all these years, to go 'home'. I can't quite start packing yet...even I'm not that impulsive, ha ha. But my mind has been planning and dreaming all morning as I clean house...what route will I take? What will I bring? What cool and funky place will I find to live in? Dreaming of the open spaces, sunny skies, the smells, the food, the culture. My heart and soul ache for it. The photo I posted is the little 'casita' I lived in...in Santa Fe. I've also been planning a little mountain getaway in Banff perhaps...a nice hotel, a room with a fireplace, the hot springs...I'm needing some 'me' time again, some solitude and pampering. Maybe a little shopping on Main Street...so far 2009 is all about planning! As I re-read this before posting...I find my passion for the road eerily similar to that of my bio dad.

I'm alive!!!!

I was driving to Planet Organic today in this wild winter weather, and I felt good. I mean GOOOOOD. I turned up the radio and sang my heart out, celebrating how good and alive I feel!!!! Tonight we watched a movie that really resonated with me, "Things To Do". I am so ready to live my life over, start a soap box race in my neighborhood, do all the whacky things that come to mind and live life, have fun, and enjoy every moment. I feel like I could shout it from the rooftops. I feel lucky to have this new and maybe manic appreciation for life. We've all had those moments where suddenly and for no reason, we feel extreme bliss and happiness right? You just feel incredible, everything is alright, its the best you could feel. That's how I feel right now. I'm sure its just my body celebrating the goodness of recovering from chemo (finally a week later)...but this is also my new outlook on life.

Venturing outside

Holy blizzard! This snow is crazy, non-stop but I like it. I just wish I could enjoy it more, still not feeling 100% but I AM going to venture to Planet Organic today for groceries. Today I decided I had the energy to get back to my 'to do' list...things I want to do but keep putting off. This includes going to a toning circle which only happens once a month but I love it and find it so therapeutic...I went once but I'm hooked and need to get back into it. It was one of few things that when I did it, I KNEW it was for me. Transforming. I've marked off all the dates on my calendar to help remind me. That and a few medical seminars, one guy coming from California to talk about the fact that you aren't your genes, good news, change is possible and we can reverse disease! MY goal for sure. Another on vitamin D...I'm on a new life path physically, emotionally and spiritually and really just 'green' at the moment but trying to dive in and create my new world and the new me. I'll really fit in living in NM now, I'm one of those whacky, out-there people now! Off to the store I go.

Back on the right road

Well, the pizza was over rated, surprise surprise. And I did stay up all night on the couch with indigestion. Lesson learned. This morning I was craving grapefruit and the left over salad in the fridge, that was breakfast. And it was delicious! Its great to see that I really have transitioned into the veggie and raw life though. A reminder that I am making the right changes and feeding my body the right things so the cancer can't come back. I think I might head to the Farmer's Market on the weekend if its open this time of year. Wish I was feeling good enough to venture outside today but I'm not...I'm sick of feeling lousy! I cannot explain how excited I am to feel good every single day again.

Temporarily falling off the wagon

I ate raw and vegetarian the entire week (love it by the way and I'm proud of myself) but tonight is pizza and 'chicken kickers' night! I'm straying from my healthy path for but one night of glorious bread, sauce and meat! My heartburn is already at an all time high, I KNOW I'm going to pay for this and likely be sleeping sitting up all night, and yet I can't fight the temptation. I'm weak but...I'm totally OK with that!

Lightening up

I've been obsessing about lightening up my blog site...The black contrast was uber cool but not how I'm feeling on the inside. I feel light and want my life to be light. Feels good to brighten up the place, phew! A relief actually. Thoughts of the road kept my mind off of feeling overly nauseous all morning while laying bed...I basically drove myself all around New Mexico to my favorite places. I've also started to plan what to pack again, a good sign...that means its not that far away now. And since I'm on the 'eco' and 'green' kick as of last year (I even had a green built home all lined up to rent in NM) I'm now planning to scout out eco bedding and other earth friendly home products to take with me...it might be easy to find in Santa Fe, but where I'm going, I think it's better to come prepared with it! My sista in suburbia would be proud.

Middle of the road

Another round of chemo done (as of yesterday) and two more to go. It's a long and different road than I'm used to being on and one I don't prefer. The count DOWN is on now though and I like to think I'm almost through the worst. I do feel good today which is unexpected. And I'm not complaining. I keep going with the love and support of friends and family, and keep my sights on what's ahead...the incredible life ahead. I am grateful but anxious to really get my life started again. I have such a new appreciation and zest for life and a new insight. And it really is amazing to be a part of the love that comes in times of need, people are amazing and I have never felt so much love or such strength from it. It is more powerful than any medicine. I'm getting too sappy. I'm looking forward to a visit with a soul mate and friend this afternoon, and a milkshake. Nectar of the gods these days! Guess there are some perks to chemo? I can get away with straying from my new vegetarian, raw diet! That's all for now...

A Brand New Year

Hallelujah! It's 2009. Yessssss! While most people were getting ready to raise their champagne glasses minutes before midnight last night, I was washing my wig in the bathroom sink. Not the wild girl I used to be hey? Well, not last night anyway. In the spirit of things, I did have the channel set to 'Dick Clark's New Years Special', the gold standard in my opinion, but I missed the big ball drop. Couldn't manage to stay up until 1:00 a.m. since Dick Clark was on New York time and an hour later.

A brand new day. A brand new year. I feel big things coming my way, good things. This is the year I will finally make it back to New Mexico, keep up with the vegetarian and health goals, focus on running, and hopefully the gods are in my corner in terms of baby or babies. A million more things to see and do but those are the key ingredients for 2009. Big shift...BIG shift, and I am ready. Bring it on!