P.S...

Stolen quote from a Facebook friend's profile page...just saw it and HAD to post. (thanks Shari!)

Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.

-Bethany Hamilton

"Without struggle...

there is nothing".

"When there is no struggle, there is no strength".



Are you sensing a theme here? I'm thrown off course these days...I'm surprised that I'm not adjusting as quickly or easily as I would normally. I tend to feel fine so I expect things to BE fine...but I'm learning that when it comes to change and stress, my resiliency and coping skills have waned. The past few years tapped my resources for strength I think. The keg is near empty. I am definately changed. And my perspective...what happened to those rose colored glasses? Where no matter what situation I was in, I could always turn it around and make it great? I still TRY to do that but there's a bit of an edge to me now. That rosy perspective doesn't come as easily anymore. I haven't got all the things I wanted out of life and now I feel a bit pissed about that actually. It has me off course and now trying to reidentify with myself. Who am I now? Single-ish, no kids, rambling around North America and not feeling like anything fits or that I fit in anywhere. Where's my cozy little niche? This isn't what I asked for, it isn't what I dreamed for myself...life is unpredictable and we don't always get what we expect or ask for...I just have to try and figure out how to pick myself up, dust myself off and find my place in the world again. Stress, negative thinking, panic attacks and anxiety...I thought those were things of the past but they're back. I sure didn't expect this...but maybe it will lead me to the place I've always dreamed of or better. Didn't someone once say that out of adversity comes...something...something good, better? Out of desperateness...something like that? Maybe I'm on the verge of something great. I'll say this, I better damn well be! I think I've paid my dues when it comes to struggling at this point. At least that's my opinion! Check out my latest theme song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Geg6_-3jPzI

Moving again...

I've been feeling stifled in this little studio-type guest house. I've been tossing the idea of moving around for the past month and finally decided to get serious this weekend. This place I'm in now would be great if I was in my 20s or a student, but I'm afraid I don't have the same ability to appreciate it at this stage in life. And, with it being so small, I notice all the bugs and shortcomings much easier...and I haven't had the greatest tolerance.

I found a good place this weekend on my quest for a bigger, cleaner and more 'me' place to live. Granted, this area is a little off kilter...the cost of living is high but the housing doesn't match the price. You wouldn't believe what people are charging for these houses and apartments...their perspective is definately skewed. I thought I was going crazy until a local said the same thing. But you have no choice and end up searching for the best of the worst and lowering your standards a lot. Not that mine are uber high in the first place!

Anyway, found a house in a nice area, old but clean and cleaned up...the owners are nice and live in Durango. One of those Barbie and Ken looking couples in their 50s...blond, tall, done up...but nice. Its worth the money to me in order to get some of my self back. The move has been more of an adjustment than I thought. Either I'm not as adaptable as I used to be or my ability to cope has changed since everything I've been through these past few years. Living in this cramped space with the bugs...I stopped making my meals as regularly as I was, and was starting to lose touch with my usual activities, etc...not depression but it kinda feels a little like that.

So, next weekend is the big move and I'll be packing all week. I think it will bring brighter days. And if not, Albuquerque, here I come.

The Rainbow Blessing

So, we're sitting in the restaurant at Tamaya having breakfast and we see a group of young Navajo kids/teens out the window...they're dancing outside. People are scattered on the lawn watching. I was so disappointed that we were missing this. I wanted to forget about breakfast and just go watch. But I didn't. Luckily, the dancers were still dancing when we finished breakfast so we wandered outside and joined the others on the lawn. Yay! At that moment, the Navajo man at the mic who was doing the drumming, singing and giving explanations about each dance (they can't and won't give much detail, this info is SACRED)...he began talking about the Navajo story of creation and the rainbow path. He talked for a bit and then emphasized that this blessing is about life. About how we will all experience big storms in our lives, ones that we will think we might never make it through...but, BUT, he PROMISED that these storms would pass and the rainbow would come out again and that everything would be OK. It made me teary, this reminder was just what I needed to hear and it was even more powerful that it was from a Navajo Elder and this was the blessing we just happened to end up witnessing (the dances are not for entertainment, each one is a blessing for everyone). I soaked up the energy from the dance and tried to feel the blessing eminating from it. It felt meant to be at that moment. And as the dancers finished and eventually left the area, this Elder looked back at me with such purpose and said "thank you". Whoa. Ok, but then he said thank you to another lady as he walked by her, ha ha...so it wasn't such a unique courtesy just for me, but it still struck me pretty deep to be acknowledged with such intent like that. What a dork.

The perks of small town living

I heard a knock at my door tonight. It was my neighbour Archie. His oldest son and girlfriend are making homemade salsa to sell to help raise money for something college related. I know his son is going to college this year in California. I love this town, despite the bugs. I love hearing a knock at the door and knowing its a neighbour. And I love knowing I can knock on their door any time. And...I love how my neighbour pronounces 'cilantro' with his Spanish accent and a roll of the tongue..."see-lawn-tro". Back to the point, yep, I'm buying a few 'quarts' of hot salsa...$6.00 a quart and homemade. It'll be ready on Friday. On another small town note...I often think of sista G...the farmer's markets are starting and there's a big push here to support local growers and to know your farmers, and your food. She would love this...along with the sustainability meetings. I was at the laundry place this weekend reading all about these events in the Aztec Talon (the town rag) and thinking of her.

Ten thousand bugs in my HOUSE

Aaaaaaaagh!!!! I am losing what little tolerance I had for finding and dealing with bugs IN my 'house'. This little closet I'm living in is frustrating enough and I was really trying to keep an open mind about it. But...since day one I have been finding bugs and I am getting creeped out more and more every time I find one. Mucho spiders and as long as they're not black widows, I have been semi-OK with them...although not great. Then it was the 2 big and black cockroaches, then the brown one...all which I seemed to find in the middle of the night and then couldn't get back to sleep due to the eerie visions I had of spraying them with raid and watching them jump and flinch and die...then the clean up...then wondering if there were more that would crawl on me as I slept. I'm getting the 'willies' just talking about this but I have to let it out. Last night I found what I think was an earwig, it was a long centipede looking thing with 'pinchers' on its back end...I discovered it crawling and writhing around on my bathroom sink and hiding under a toothpaste squeezer...GROSS. I left it. I walked away. I am out of coping skills. I got in late tonight and it was dark as I tried to unlock the front door, at times the security light would go on but it lasts for mere seconds...I couldn't seem to get the door open and felt moths hitting me and dropping onto me and I was jumping and screaming as they did. Moths. I have sunk to this level, scared of moths...this is what I mean, I have NO tolerance left. The bugs have worn me down, they have won. I feel like things are crawling on me all the time, I feel creepy crawlies on my head, my legs and I'm always rubbing or brishing these invisible bugs off of myself...I know, you're thinking 'psych ward'. Oh yeah, I am almost there people. Monday. I'm calling a property rental company and starting a dedicated search for a bigger, CLEANER, and bug free home to rent. Oh my god, I think there is something crawling on me, I'm not kidding.

America and Wal-Mart

Whoa. Stopped by Wal-Mart to grab a digital voice recorder on the cheap and a few office supplies...Friday night...the place was a ZOO. I think the whole town goes straight to Wal-Mart once the work whistle blows on Friday. I'll stick with my small town of 1500 or so people thank you very much. As I drove home, what a difference. Main street out here on a Friday night was calm and quiet! Note to self...no more trips to Wal-Mart, let alone on a Friday night.

Tamaya

Oh. My. God. This place is...there are no words. I can't believe I haven't been there until now. I figured it was your typical Hyatt resort, duh, we're in NM Trace...I should have known better. The drive in is gorgeous, the hotel and scenery beautiful, the paths through the bosque, the pools, the spa...definately going back for a weekend stay and some sort of massage treatment. Wow. If ever in Albuquerque, don't miss this place, even if you just go and grab a coffee and walk along the paths. I am reminded of why I love it here so much. Not that I need much reminding though.