Big Hats and Big Hair!

Roooooad trip! To the Big T. Texas. This weekend. I've never 'officially' been to Texas. I've been to the Dallas Fort-Worth and Houston airports and that just doesn't count. I'm going to the I Can Do It conference which I was so excited about until I went online and saw that my main reason for going, speaker and kick ass cancer survivor Kris Carr, cancelled. Bummer! I planned to get my books signed and even better, a photo! So disappointing! I've always wanted to go to one of these motivational weekends but they've always been way too pricey for me or too far or both. This one is affordable and close, and despite Kris Carr not being there...I'm still looking so forward to it. And I've always heard about what a fun city Austin is, yay! I don't know many of the speakers...I know Wayne Dyer and he'll be there which I think is very cool. And hello? A road trip? I'm in! It's a 12 hour drive but according to my friend M, it's easy. I've never driven out that way so I can't wait to see what I see. Hotel is booked. Bags yet to be packed. One more work day and then 4 days on the open road, yeehaw!

Recent 'stuff'

I feel great! I feel THANKFUL. My PET scan was all clear which means, I'M all clear and cancer free again this year! And this year is an extra special one. It's my 5th year anniversary (in August) without cancer. What an awesome gift. This means I can celebrate with certainty (insert happy dance here). And trust me, I know just how lucky I am. I know and recognize that not everyone gets the same good news. So, I am celebrating the right now and the right here. The here and now. Another year cancer free.

**(The reason I had a PET scan was because of 3 swollen inguinal lymph nodes that were not going away like they should if they're not serious. The 'c' word was looming again.)

I'll be honest. I wasn't worried today when I had to go in to get my results. I can't say I didn't 'think' about it but deep down, my gut knew I was OK. I'll tell you about a message from a fellow cancer survivor that I received after her passing. She knew what was ahead for me and offered me peace of mind before I even knew I would need it. I'm going to share a few whacky things in this post. But this is an inside view of survival. I may bounce around a bit.

It feels like these past few weeks or even this month or longer, I've been looking through my eyes as if I am back in the 70's and 80's. My surroundings, everything I see around me looks like a collage of instagram photos, very retro. And I have felt a constant sense of nostalgia deep within. A comfort in feeling like I am walking back in time every day, it's very calming. Old and familiar. Safe. Comforting smells would rise up out of nowhere. Familiar tastes like my grandma's lumpy, mashed potatoes with butter, I could swear I was actually eating HER potatoes. The sounds of the birds outside my window are just like the ones I heard as a kid outside my bedroom window. Things like that. I have seriously felt like I'm back in time. Like it's now but it's also then. Weird right? I haven't talked about it for fear that if I did, I would jinx things. There was a part of me that wondered if I was feeling and seeing this way because it meant I was not going to be here much longer. Like I was reliving all the best moments and feelings in preparation. It must seem interesting and odd at the same time for anyone reading this, but that's what I have been living these days. And I've actually been enjoying it and savoring it but at the same time, that "I wonder what this means" thought was in the back of my head. Even tonight, I'm feeling the retro feeling right now as I type this. The sound of the birds chirping, the way the sun is shining and makes the house look, I feel like I'm in my old house on Stanley Crescent.

 

OK, so there's that. I have been living in some weird Twilight Zone. Now I know it's not because of the 'c' word and that's what matters!

I've also been planning my final year (I imagined I might get at least a year). As morbid as it sounds, before getting my results today, my mind would often daydream and I would plan parts of my funeral. And I had this great idea for the last year that I will still not reveal here. Thankfully, I know I'm not the only one who does this. I remember Kris Carr saying she did too...relief.

The other whacky thing I'll share is my dream and the message I received from Shawna. I never met Shawna. Well, I think there were a few times I saw her briefly walking by but that's it. I couldn't describe her to you. She worked in rehab at the same hospital I worked at back home. She soon moved away with her husband and daughter. Within days of me starting work there. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, everyone at work told me about Shawna, how she was also diagnosed with breast cancer in her 30's like me and her story of survival...surgeries, reoccurrence, more cancer treatments, but she was OK. So, somehow there was a connection between us from the get go. Then, one of her best and closest friends, also an SLP like me, came to work at the hospital. She would keep me posted on Shawna. Well, one day, Shawna's cancer reoccurred and spread. She fought so hard that I have no idea where or how she found the strength to do it. Amazing, amazing woman. Then I moved away. I wondered about Shawna and followed her blog now and then.

One night, I had a dream about Shawna. Her back was turned to me, she had blond hair and her hair was glowing with sunlight all around it. She was thin but looked so healthy, she didn't look sick even though I knew she was. I reminded myself that she really was sick and how deceiving it can be sometimes. And the other thing that came through so strongly in my dream was her kindness. I felt it. I didn't know anything about her personality but in my dream, so much kindness. That was it. I woke up. Then I went to the bathroom. Someone spoke to me in my head and said, "you're going to get checked out for something but you're going to be alright". I didn't know about my lymph nodes then. A little creepy. I knew it had meaning but I tried to shrug it off. I also knew it was Shawna. And I also found out later that day, that Shawna had passed the night before. I'm attaching a photo of Shawna that was used for her celebration of life. Notice her glowing, sunlit hair just like my dream. People remarked on how KIND Shawna was, just like my dream. Her words helped me believe I was going to be OK when at times, I wasn't always sure. And I always reminded myself of her words.



As for my 5 year celebration...my big brother and I will be doing the 3-day Walk in DC this fall together. His idea. And I loooooove it. There aren't words to even explain how much this and how much he means to me. And now I know I can really celebrate 5 years without worry. Woohoo! Now comes the fundraising which scares the crap out of me! It ain't cheap! But it's gonna be worth every penny.

And that's a glimpse inside my head. TMI? LOL too late now!

It's Just that Easy...

I can't resist using that phrase...and nobody probably even knows who says it but me. Shell Busey (pronounced  Shell "Buzzy") from a home improvement show back home on Corus radio. I loved waking up to that guy's voice on weekends. http://www.askshell.com/

Anyway, what's 'just that easy'? Having a PET scan! That's right, the queen of claustrophobia just said it. It wasn't 'fun'...but it was definately do-able. As you know, I chickened out the first time (last week) and rescheduled. I spent the week trying to visualize myself through the scan, and really trying to think positively about it. But every time I did, I felt fear grip my stomach, ugh.

Had to prep for it again yesterday as well...back on the meat, eggs, tofu, and 2 veggie diet. The plain-ness of the food, especially being mostly meat, was awful. I spit out my dry, stir fried beef strips with green pepper, blegh! I made scrambled eggs instead and snuck in a few tomatoes just for some flavor and juiciness! No starchy veggies or ones that convert to much glucose allowed.

Huge headache that evening but got the all clear to take an aspirin (thanks Deena!). Thank God. Managed to sleep until my eyes popped open at 6:00 a.m. and I immediately started to cram in more visualizing for an hour before having to get out of bed. Ugh, still nervous! But I knew in my gut I would do it today.

What happens at a PET scan? Holy moly, pretty serious stuff. I was taken into the basement and had to change into scrubs and go into a tiny room and sit on a comfy Geri-chair (ok, I know it doesn't sound so serious yet). Then I had to start drinking 1 of 3 big glasses of water with an 'additive' in it for my GI tract. And it did taste just like water, only maybe slightly sweeter. An I.V. was inserted into my WRIST, yuck! (tech told me it was the easiest place since she had a hard time finding a vein in my arm). And I could taste the saline in my mouth. Alec, the self professed "nuclear med guy" then came into the room to shoot me up with the radioactive tracer. I loved Alec. Older, experienced, big, fluffy white beard, and KIND. He was so supportive and assured me, "You're going to be OK kid"....and not meaning just during the scan, but OK all together. What a guy.

Once the tracer was injected, they put me in 'solitary', no one could stay in the room with me. No moving, no talking, no reading, no music, no playing on my cell phone...NO stimulation. Lights dimmed. For an hour. During which time I also had to drink the other 2 glasses of 'water'. It was actually very comfy and peaceful and allowed me some time to adjust to my surroundings and talk myself off the ledge. When the tech came to get me for the scan, I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me nervous. At the same time, I was actually looking forward to going in the scanner for a nap. I know, whaaaat?!

I laid down on the scanner table and the tech bundled me up in 3 blankets and even wrapped my arms. Snug as a bug! I asked for a washcloth over my eyes, it's like an MRI scanner with a bit of a bigger tube (doesn't feel bigger when you're inside of it though!). Game on. I felt myself moving into the scanner. I was nervous but then the greatest thing happened...after only being in the scanner for a bit, it moved so that I was out again. I got a breather. And then it moved me back in for a while, and then it moved again and my head was out for a while. Phew! Those little moments of freedom were enough to relax me enough to make it through the entire scan. And I even peeked under my wash cloth several times to look inside the scanner and it didn't bother me.

PET scan done. The techs congratulated me. I thanked them and then headed to Frontier for some breakfast. Results on Tuesday...that's in about 5 days.

Taking My Own Advice...

I promise my posts will change from cancer back to the fun stuff in life...soon. Bare with me while I get through the next few weeks of my annual cancer check up marathon. The good thing about it is that I've been re-inspired to do better. My first years during and after cancer; I was pretty diligent with not only changing what and the way I eat, but also maintaining it. I looked and felt the healthiest I'd been in a long time. Maybe ever. Then, as more years went by, I let things slide a little and sometimes a lot. I remember one of my oncologists telling me, "Tracey, one day you'll look back and all of this will only be a memory". And she was right. Thank God. But I've also let myself slack a little more than I'd like to admit and I'm going to start doing better. I was playing around on Google today and while on my crazy little treasure hunt, I came across the article I wrote for Kris Carr's blog...about easing into a raw lifestyle. It was good to re-read it and SO fun to see that 20 people have responded to it since 2012. When I first wrote it, I was so excited to check in every day (ok, maybe every 15 minutes!) and see who (if anyone) actually responded. Only a few did early on...then my excitement faded...and I stopped checking. I have to say it felt SO good to see that since then, some people have been inspired by it. And re-reading the article was such a good reminder to keep it up myself. I also had a good chat via FB with a friend last night which added fuel to my fire. I'm committed to getting 100% back in the saddle. Here's a link to the article (which now I wish I could totally re-write to make it sound 'cooler' lol):
http://kriscarr.com/blog/raw-nice-and-easy/

I Heart Josh Ritter

I took this photo at the Seattle concert a few years back...we were right against the stage...(*sigh*)

His new album comes out today and from what I've heard so far, it's amazing. Amazing on CD, yes. But, but but...this guy is a MUST SEE sometime in your life in concert, live. PROMISE me you'll go see him live. Seriously, he exudes happiness and you'll FEEL it. He is incredibly talented and FUNNY. You'll be an instant fan after that. It'll be one of the best nights of your life.

Check out this great song from his new album "The Beast In It's Tracks"...the song is "Hopeful"...I don't why I gravitate to this one so much but he just has that amazing ability to tell a story in a song that grabs you and you can relate to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4QLBsY6dpo

Chickened Out

Bock, bock, I'm a chicken. If you read my last post, you know it's cancer check up time...the time of year where I go for a few tests and MD appointments to hopefully find out I'm still in the clear. It's never easy (for many reasons). And this year, thanks to a few stubborn lymph nodes that decided to swell up and not go away, I have a new test added to the list. A PET scan. Woohoo! NOT. Somehow, despite being claustrophobic, I have always managed to get through MRIs alright and sedation-free. Just slap a cloth over my eyes and send me in. Am I relaxed? Hell no! That tube is tiny and tight and they don't even play music for me! But I always seem to be able to find my strength and tough it out. The PET scan is similar and actually, the 'tube' is even a little bigger but just as long. Doesn't matter. Today, I realized that my coping skills have finally thrown in the towel. Ding ding! TKO. After having to be strong and brave sooooooooooo many times with my health and procedures, I'm tired and my mind and body let me know it today. I had to be on a high protein diet with only 2 veggie options for the last 24 hours. That alone had me feeling nasty. N-A-S-T-Y! No sugar, fine. No milk, good, I don't like the stuff and I'm allergic to dairy. But all the meat and cheese I want, go for it. Yuck. Water, meat, eggs, broccoli, and beans. Mmmmm (sarcasm). I woke up this morning nervous but happy to get this over with so I could finally have a cup of coffee and some fruits and veggies again. I got myself to the imaging clinic and checked in. A tech or nurse called me and we took the elevator to the basement (nuclear imaging and cancer related stuff like chemo always seem to be in the bowels of the buildings they live in). Gulp. I mentioned to the tech that I was nervous and asked if I could go in feet first. Nope. Dang! But he was sweet enough to let me have a few trial runs going into the scanner before my IV injection...never made it that far. On my second try going into the machine, I made it all the way in with a cloth over my eyes but couldn't have done the entire scan (45 minutes in that thing!). I was still trying reeeeeaaaally hard to work myself up to it but unfortunately, my decision was time sensitive. The techs don't want to inject all that radiation into you and then have you chicken out and have to come back for more. And the radiopharmaceutical (tracer) begins to degrade after a certain amount of time. So...I cracked under pressure and rescheduled for next week. And...I'm actually going to take the xanax they can put into my IV with the tracer. Never had it before and I've never taken the sedatives as suggested, but I think I'm going to 'man up' and do what it takes to get through comfortably. I've always said I LOVE radiology techs and these ones live up to my claim to their fame. My tech told me that this is really common, to chicken out and reschedule and was just the greatest guy. And I feel pretty good about being able to say no today and just do what I was most comfortable with. I usually just do what I'm told. Next week I plan to wear my Wonder Woman tank and undies under my clothes for the scan though...for a little added bravery.