Gurus Gone Wild

Here's where I am today...and lately.

 

I used to think that the term 'rat race' only related to working. You know, where you get caught up in trying to be better, achieve, achieve, achieve, and compete in the workforce. Achieve a higher status, be recognized, make more money, afford a bigger house, better car, vacation home, stand out, make a difference...to the point of missing the point; what matters is YOU, not the race or the need for 'more'. It can be SO easy to get caught up in all of that and begin to feel stressed, over work yourself, and lose sight of your own happiness, time for you and your friends and family, and time to just simply be.

It's OK to just be.

I feel like there is a whole new rat race and to be honest, it's stressing me out. It comes from amazingly good intention but it's a whole new kind of madness and craze. It's this whole inundation of online gurus flooding my Facebook page, inbox, and Internet. Whether I'm seeking it out or not. A self-help fest. DON'T GET ME WRONG, what these people have to say and offer is truly helpful and I have gained a lot (and still do) from their content, advice, and knowledge. And there is no question that the initial intention is/was to help. But in my opinion, it is out of control.

Where it goes wrong for me is that there is still a strong, predominant message...the need to achieve more, make a big difference, don't be status quo, push yourself, make more money and work less...sound familiar? And it's everywhere! And gurus are teaming up, joining forces to help promote each other in order to become bigger, better, and make more money themselves.

I find that I have become numb to it all. I scroll past the info, even of people that I really love what they have to share and know I could learn from...and ignore it. I'm overloaded and find myself just as stressed out and feeling the need to keep up in the same way as in the work world rat race. Even though it's all positive and about self discovery, its just another rat race.

So what have I learned from all of this? Do what makes YOU happy. Nothing more, nothing less. And it doesn't have to be earth shattering. If YOU are happy, and doing things that make you happy and feel good, nothing else will matter. If that's being a CEO or living in a yurt in the middle of nowhere or discovering the cure for cancer or running a campground or whatever. Let go of all of the expectations that you NEED to be or do more.

Take a break from the gurus gone wild and go within. Find stillness and listen to yourself. I love that simple piece of advice that states you should do whatever it is that you find yourself thinking about all the time. Where does your mind go in its daydreams? Do that. Seriously. Or start working toward it. You are good enough. No matter what you do, how much money you make, or don't. What matters is time and moments. Time for you, time with family and with friends, time to do what it is that makes you feel happy.

My plan (no rocket science here):
1. Pay attention to the things my mind daydreams about over and over. Write that sh*&t down.
2. Start focusing on how to get there.
3. Build it into my Lifebook (you can ask me about this).
4. Keep going...

Taking a year off...

I'm taking a year off. I am giving myself the gift of a year; a year to make the most pleasurable, meaningful, and satisfying year of my life so far.

For a long time now, I have been feeling too busy and overwhelmed...feeling like I'm wasting my time on the stuff that doesn't matter. I'm constantly trying to manage working full-time and a recent job promotion (aka I'm even more busy!), kids, cooking, cleaning, sports, homework, appointments, grocery shopping, laundry...my life is WAY too busy. And I feel like I'm not really living. I day dream and admire people with less money and part time jobs who have time. Free time for self care. Maybe that means sleeping more, taking naps, doing a hobby, exercising, whatever it is; I want it.

I struggle with the decision that in order to have more free time, I either need to drop hours and drop my income or figure out how to work less and make more. And right now, I havent figured out the latter. I struggle because I need to support myself and kids and I've become accustomed to the freedom that money brings in many ways. At the same time, it saps my free time because I work hard for it.

I dream of moving into a yurt in the middle of nowhere, sleeping, meditating, eating well, reading books on self improvement, and exercising. Unfortunately, that's not an option right now. I also dream of buying a campground with cabins and running it. That is on my goal list.

But for right now, these are not options I am willing to pursue out of fear and a sense of commitment and safety. So I'm taking baby steps but steps no less!

I was in a second hand shop this afternoon and found myself in the book area. Self help section! I ended up buying about 6 books, I couldn't grab them fast enough. And right then and there, I decided that I am going to start my quest to simplify and figure out how to be happy living a simpler life and just go for it. Not worrying about my career and trying to be bigger and better and change the world. I'm not saying that isn't a worthy and very comfortable place for some people to be...but I'm feeling like I'm missing the point by doing so. By giving away all of my time to work and to projects and kids and duties rather than being happy with a simpler job and pace of life.

I have no time for self care, or to do the things I love like sleeping, writing letters, doing crafts, exercising, reading, road trips, travel, being in nature, or just relaxing. I never have time. And that's not good and it's not healthy. And I've been going stir crazy trying to tame my gut which is screaming, "slow your roll. DO something!"

So I'm doing something. Funnily enough, one of the books I found is called, 'The Gift of a Year"...I'm starting with that one.

Follow me as I embark on my quest. I have no idea what to call it yet. But it's time to be brave and start letting go of the security of my current life and create a life with more time and meaning. I love what Steve Harvey says, "You have to give up what you know and what you're doing in order to break through the glass ceiling and get to the next level." Like how he let go of everything he knew (stand up comedy) to become a motivational speaker. Or how Oprah had to give up her show to create her network and other endeavors. And Steve Harvey is the first to remind me that it's not going to be easy but it has to be done and you will get there. I will get there.

Life is short and moments matter.

Celebrating! REALLY celebrating!

Biopsy results came back negative...benign! YEOW!

The past weeks, month, and longer have been tough on me. But I am happy to report that Tracey's annual cancer check up season is officially closed! And I am all clear! Blood tests, PET scan, ultarsound, mammogram, and biopsy are all in my rear view mirror thank you very much.

I can't describe the absolute relief I feel from this. And I can't describe what it felt like to think this could happen all over again. But I think right now I feel pretty close to bliss.

Angels Among Us

I came home today with a sense of no worry at all and...fighting back tears. I had my annual mammogram and ultrasound today and found out that I need to have a core biopsy done on my right boob. This time, in only one spot. On my left boob, they did it in four spots. Right now, I'm not worried. At the same time, questions like "will I have to face and fight this again?" linger on the edges of my thoughts. Scheduled for April 15th. Results to follow.

So, that's part of my story today.

The second part needs a little 'backlighting' before you hear about my angel of the day. Garbage and recycling pick up. A few months back, and out of nowhere, whoever was doing our trash and recycling pick up was leaving our garbage can and recycling bins knocked down and in the middle of the driveway. Only us. Everyone else's garbage cans and bins on the block were left neatly and upright. It kept happening so I called the city to complain (politely of course!). I also left a package of instant hot cocoa with a note for the driver the following day as a way to build a nicer relationship.

All was going well until the past few weeks. Here we go again, our bins and only our bins were being knocked down and tossed in the driveway. I gave it time and finally made a second call to the city to complain (also politely) when things didn't get better. I was now really mad and thinking of ways to let this guy know I was mad (like leaving "you suck" notes on the garbage bin lid)...and then I did the right thing and switched to thinking of more positive solutions. (I was hurt, what were we doing to make this guy be so mean to us?).

Today was garbage day. I thought for sure the driver was going to be pissed and retaliate. After all, I called to compain about him TWO times now. I expected to come home to find the garbage can on the ground, in the middle of the driveway, maybe even peed on. LOL.

Instead, this is what I found. Tucked under our doormat...

This made my tears flow fuller and faster, and warmed my heart from the inside out. Just what I needed today and right at the exact moment too. I now LOVE our 'regular driver' and you can guarantee that kindness will be rewarded with more kindness...ain't just gonna be hot cocoa left out for our driver on the bin next week, that's for sure! So, today my angel is disguised as a driver for waste management. I love how he took the high road and responded in such a positive way, and how he knew just what I needed to lift my spirits today.

Big Hats and Big Hair!

Roooooad trip! To the Big T. Texas. This weekend. I've never 'officially' been to Texas. I've been to the Dallas Fort-Worth and Houston airports and that just doesn't count. I'm going to the I Can Do It conference which I was so excited about until I went online and saw that my main reason for going, speaker and kick ass cancer survivor Kris Carr, cancelled. Bummer! I planned to get my books signed and even better, a photo! So disappointing! I've always wanted to go to one of these motivational weekends but they've always been way too pricey for me or too far or both. This one is affordable and close, and despite Kris Carr not being there...I'm still looking so forward to it. And I've always heard about what a fun city Austin is, yay! I don't know many of the speakers...I know Wayne Dyer and he'll be there which I think is very cool. And hello? A road trip? I'm in! It's a 12 hour drive but according to my friend M, it's easy. I've never driven out that way so I can't wait to see what I see. Hotel is booked. Bags yet to be packed. One more work day and then 4 days on the open road, yeehaw!

Recent 'stuff'

I feel great! I feel THANKFUL. My PET scan was all clear which means, I'M all clear and cancer free again this year! And this year is an extra special one. It's my 5th year anniversary (in August) without cancer. What an awesome gift. This means I can celebrate with certainty (insert happy dance here). And trust me, I know just how lucky I am. I know and recognize that not everyone gets the same good news. So, I am celebrating the right now and the right here. The here and now. Another year cancer free.

**(The reason I had a PET scan was because of 3 swollen inguinal lymph nodes that were not going away like they should if they're not serious. The 'c' word was looming again.)

I'll be honest. I wasn't worried today when I had to go in to get my results. I can't say I didn't 'think' about it but deep down, my gut knew I was OK. I'll tell you about a message from a fellow cancer survivor that I received after her passing. She knew what was ahead for me and offered me peace of mind before I even knew I would need it. I'm going to share a few whacky things in this post. But this is an inside view of survival. I may bounce around a bit.

It feels like these past few weeks or even this month or longer, I've been looking through my eyes as if I am back in the 70's and 80's. My surroundings, everything I see around me looks like a collage of instagram photos, very retro. And I have felt a constant sense of nostalgia deep within. A comfort in feeling like I am walking back in time every day, it's very calming. Old and familiar. Safe. Comforting smells would rise up out of nowhere. Familiar tastes like my grandma's lumpy, mashed potatoes with butter, I could swear I was actually eating HER potatoes. The sounds of the birds outside my window are just like the ones I heard as a kid outside my bedroom window. Things like that. I have seriously felt like I'm back in time. Like it's now but it's also then. Weird right? I haven't talked about it for fear that if I did, I would jinx things. There was a part of me that wondered if I was feeling and seeing this way because it meant I was not going to be here much longer. Like I was reliving all the best moments and feelings in preparation. It must seem interesting and odd at the same time for anyone reading this, but that's what I have been living these days. And I've actually been enjoying it and savoring it but at the same time, that "I wonder what this means" thought was in the back of my head. Even tonight, I'm feeling the retro feeling right now as I type this. The sound of the birds chirping, the way the sun is shining and makes the house look, I feel like I'm in my old house on Stanley Crescent.

 

OK, so there's that. I have been living in some weird Twilight Zone. Now I know it's not because of the 'c' word and that's what matters!

I've also been planning my final year (I imagined I might get at least a year). As morbid as it sounds, before getting my results today, my mind would often daydream and I would plan parts of my funeral. And I had this great idea for the last year that I will still not reveal here. Thankfully, I know I'm not the only one who does this. I remember Kris Carr saying she did too...relief.

The other whacky thing I'll share is my dream and the message I received from Shawna. I never met Shawna. Well, I think there were a few times I saw her briefly walking by but that's it. I couldn't describe her to you. She worked in rehab at the same hospital I worked at back home. She soon moved away with her husband and daughter. Within days of me starting work there. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, everyone at work told me about Shawna, how she was also diagnosed with breast cancer in her 30's like me and her story of survival...surgeries, reoccurrence, more cancer treatments, but she was OK. So, somehow there was a connection between us from the get go. Then, one of her best and closest friends, also an SLP like me, came to work at the hospital. She would keep me posted on Shawna. Well, one day, Shawna's cancer reoccurred and spread. She fought so hard that I have no idea where or how she found the strength to do it. Amazing, amazing woman. Then I moved away. I wondered about Shawna and followed her blog now and then.

One night, I had a dream about Shawna. Her back was turned to me, she had blond hair and her hair was glowing with sunlight all around it. She was thin but looked so healthy, she didn't look sick even though I knew she was. I reminded myself that she really was sick and how deceiving it can be sometimes. And the other thing that came through so strongly in my dream was her kindness. I felt it. I didn't know anything about her personality but in my dream, so much kindness. That was it. I woke up. Then I went to the bathroom. Someone spoke to me in my head and said, "you're going to get checked out for something but you're going to be alright". I didn't know about my lymph nodes then. A little creepy. I knew it had meaning but I tried to shrug it off. I also knew it was Shawna. And I also found out later that day, that Shawna had passed the night before. I'm attaching a photo of Shawna that was used for her celebration of life. Notice her glowing, sunlit hair just like my dream. People remarked on how KIND Shawna was, just like my dream. Her words helped me believe I was going to be OK when at times, I wasn't always sure. And I always reminded myself of her words.



As for my 5 year celebration...my big brother and I will be doing the 3-day Walk in DC this fall together. His idea. And I loooooove it. There aren't words to even explain how much this and how much he means to me. And now I know I can really celebrate 5 years without worry. Woohoo! Now comes the fundraising which scares the crap out of me! It ain't cheap! But it's gonna be worth every penny.

And that's a glimpse inside my head. TMI? LOL too late now!

It's Just that Easy...

I can't resist using that phrase...and nobody probably even knows who says it but me. Shell Busey (pronounced  Shell "Buzzy") from a home improvement show back home on Corus radio. I loved waking up to that guy's voice on weekends. http://www.askshell.com/

Anyway, what's 'just that easy'? Having a PET scan! That's right, the queen of claustrophobia just said it. It wasn't 'fun'...but it was definately do-able. As you know, I chickened out the first time (last week) and rescheduled. I spent the week trying to visualize myself through the scan, and really trying to think positively about it. But every time I did, I felt fear grip my stomach, ugh.

Had to prep for it again yesterday as well...back on the meat, eggs, tofu, and 2 veggie diet. The plain-ness of the food, especially being mostly meat, was awful. I spit out my dry, stir fried beef strips with green pepper, blegh! I made scrambled eggs instead and snuck in a few tomatoes just for some flavor and juiciness! No starchy veggies or ones that convert to much glucose allowed.

Huge headache that evening but got the all clear to take an aspirin (thanks Deena!). Thank God. Managed to sleep until my eyes popped open at 6:00 a.m. and I immediately started to cram in more visualizing for an hour before having to get out of bed. Ugh, still nervous! But I knew in my gut I would do it today.

What happens at a PET scan? Holy moly, pretty serious stuff. I was taken into the basement and had to change into scrubs and go into a tiny room and sit on a comfy Geri-chair (ok, I know it doesn't sound so serious yet). Then I had to start drinking 1 of 3 big glasses of water with an 'additive' in it for my GI tract. And it did taste just like water, only maybe slightly sweeter. An I.V. was inserted into my WRIST, yuck! (tech told me it was the easiest place since she had a hard time finding a vein in my arm). And I could taste the saline in my mouth. Alec, the self professed "nuclear med guy" then came into the room to shoot me up with the radioactive tracer. I loved Alec. Older, experienced, big, fluffy white beard, and KIND. He was so supportive and assured me, "You're going to be OK kid"....and not meaning just during the scan, but OK all together. What a guy.

Once the tracer was injected, they put me in 'solitary', no one could stay in the room with me. No moving, no talking, no reading, no music, no playing on my cell phone...NO stimulation. Lights dimmed. For an hour. During which time I also had to drink the other 2 glasses of 'water'. It was actually very comfy and peaceful and allowed me some time to adjust to my surroundings and talk myself off the ledge. When the tech came to get me for the scan, I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me nervous. At the same time, I was actually looking forward to going in the scanner for a nap. I know, whaaaat?!

I laid down on the scanner table and the tech bundled me up in 3 blankets and even wrapped my arms. Snug as a bug! I asked for a washcloth over my eyes, it's like an MRI scanner with a bit of a bigger tube (doesn't feel bigger when you're inside of it though!). Game on. I felt myself moving into the scanner. I was nervous but then the greatest thing happened...after only being in the scanner for a bit, it moved so that I was out again. I got a breather. And then it moved me back in for a while, and then it moved again and my head was out for a while. Phew! Those little moments of freedom were enough to relax me enough to make it through the entire scan. And I even peeked under my wash cloth several times to look inside the scanner and it didn't bother me.

PET scan done. The techs congratulated me. I thanked them and then headed to Frontier for some breakfast. Results on Tuesday...that's in about 5 days.

Taking My Own Advice...

I promise my posts will change from cancer back to the fun stuff in life...soon. Bare with me while I get through the next few weeks of my annual cancer check up marathon. The good thing about it is that I've been re-inspired to do better. My first years during and after cancer; I was pretty diligent with not only changing what and the way I eat, but also maintaining it. I looked and felt the healthiest I'd been in a long time. Maybe ever. Then, as more years went by, I let things slide a little and sometimes a lot. I remember one of my oncologists telling me, "Tracey, one day you'll look back and all of this will only be a memory". And she was right. Thank God. But I've also let myself slack a little more than I'd like to admit and I'm going to start doing better. I was playing around on Google today and while on my crazy little treasure hunt, I came across the article I wrote for Kris Carr's blog...about easing into a raw lifestyle. It was good to re-read it and SO fun to see that 20 people have responded to it since 2012. When I first wrote it, I was so excited to check in every day (ok, maybe every 15 minutes!) and see who (if anyone) actually responded. Only a few did early on...then my excitement faded...and I stopped checking. I have to say it felt SO good to see that since then, some people have been inspired by it. And re-reading the article was such a good reminder to keep it up myself. I also had a good chat via FB with a friend last night which added fuel to my fire. I'm committed to getting 100% back in the saddle. Here's a link to the article (which now I wish I could totally re-write to make it sound 'cooler' lol):
http://kriscarr.com/blog/raw-nice-and-easy/

I Heart Josh Ritter

I took this photo at the Seattle concert a few years back...we were right against the stage...(*sigh*)

His new album comes out today and from what I've heard so far, it's amazing. Amazing on CD, yes. But, but but...this guy is a MUST SEE sometime in your life in concert, live. PROMISE me you'll go see him live. Seriously, he exudes happiness and you'll FEEL it. He is incredibly talented and FUNNY. You'll be an instant fan after that. It'll be one of the best nights of your life.

Check out this great song from his new album "The Beast In It's Tracks"...the song is "Hopeful"...I don't why I gravitate to this one so much but he just has that amazing ability to tell a story in a song that grabs you and you can relate to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4QLBsY6dpo

Chickened Out

Bock, bock, I'm a chicken. If you read my last post, you know it's cancer check up time...the time of year where I go for a few tests and MD appointments to hopefully find out I'm still in the clear. It's never easy (for many reasons). And this year, thanks to a few stubborn lymph nodes that decided to swell up and not go away, I have a new test added to the list. A PET scan. Woohoo! NOT. Somehow, despite being claustrophobic, I have always managed to get through MRIs alright and sedation-free. Just slap a cloth over my eyes and send me in. Am I relaxed? Hell no! That tube is tiny and tight and they don't even play music for me! But I always seem to be able to find my strength and tough it out. The PET scan is similar and actually, the 'tube' is even a little bigger but just as long. Doesn't matter. Today, I realized that my coping skills have finally thrown in the towel. Ding ding! TKO. After having to be strong and brave sooooooooooo many times with my health and procedures, I'm tired and my mind and body let me know it today. I had to be on a high protein diet with only 2 veggie options for the last 24 hours. That alone had me feeling nasty. N-A-S-T-Y! No sugar, fine. No milk, good, I don't like the stuff and I'm allergic to dairy. But all the meat and cheese I want, go for it. Yuck. Water, meat, eggs, broccoli, and beans. Mmmmm (sarcasm). I woke up this morning nervous but happy to get this over with so I could finally have a cup of coffee and some fruits and veggies again. I got myself to the imaging clinic and checked in. A tech or nurse called me and we took the elevator to the basement (nuclear imaging and cancer related stuff like chemo always seem to be in the bowels of the buildings they live in). Gulp. I mentioned to the tech that I was nervous and asked if I could go in feet first. Nope. Dang! But he was sweet enough to let me have a few trial runs going into the scanner before my IV injection...never made it that far. On my second try going into the machine, I made it all the way in with a cloth over my eyes but couldn't have done the entire scan (45 minutes in that thing!). I was still trying reeeeeaaaally hard to work myself up to it but unfortunately, my decision was time sensitive. The techs don't want to inject all that radiation into you and then have you chicken out and have to come back for more. And the radiopharmaceutical (tracer) begins to degrade after a certain amount of time. So...I cracked under pressure and rescheduled for next week. And...I'm actually going to take the xanax they can put into my IV with the tracer. Never had it before and I've never taken the sedatives as suggested, but I think I'm going to 'man up' and do what it takes to get through comfortably. I've always said I LOVE radiology techs and these ones live up to my claim to their fame. My tech told me that this is really common, to chicken out and reschedule and was just the greatest guy. And I feel pretty good about being able to say no today and just do what I was most comfortable with. I usually just do what I'm told. Next week I plan to wear my Wonder Woman tank and undies under my clothes for the scan though...for a little added bravery.

Ain't Life Funny...

Wow, has it really been 6 months since I've been here? Feels good to be back. I'll warn you, I'm listening to some pretty 'zen' like music and feeling a little on the introspective side...could be a dangerous combo. Good thing I didn't add a 'Stella' to the mix, "danger, danger Park Ranger!"

In so many ways I feel like I'm fire! On fire with PASSION, on fire with ACTION, on fire with LIFE. It feels like it's MY time to SHINE. Why? I have no freakin' idea. It's just something stirring within. I've had so many thoughts and ideas and dreams for so long but could never get to the starting line. I don't know what or who lit my fire, but I'm finally FEELING it. Feeling ready and able to make things happen. And it feels GOOOOOOOOD. It's AWESOME. I've found the energy or the 'oomph' to be DOING what needs to be done. Actually, I think it found me. Fist bump! Booyah!

My first and easiest and most favorite project (that HAS begun!) is making the garage into a meditation/yoga room. Or, at the very least, a retreat to go to any time and chill. So great right?! I know! I can't wait to finish it and get in there.

So many good things are happening, so many good people in my life and keep coming...just little things that feel big. And I LOVE it! Because I just feel good.

This is also the time of year that I have my annual cancer checks. Which translates into what feels like a million appointments and tests within a short period of time (2-3 weeks). A packed schedule. It's exhausting both mentally and physically no matter how strong you are...making appointments, remembering appointments, getting to appointments, getting to work, prepping for tests, trying not to think too much about it...and then (gulp)...bracing for results. Putting on that brave, smiling face and forcing yourself to walk into the doctor's office on results day, head high, shoulders back, ready to face whatever comes at you. Fake it 'til you make it. Fortune favors the brave. I feel so fortunate and grateful for the information these appointments and tests reveal to me about my health, the 'knowing'. At the same time, I can't help but feel scared. Yep. Scared. Which is normal. And it's OK, I've been here before, year after year, I can totally do this. Just like many others before me. But  it sucks. And this go around, I have a few added concerns that have popped up. So...it just feels a little heavier than usual. Sorry peeps, that's the rain cloud in this story.

But here's the bright side, the sunny side, the ain't-life-funny side (because that's how I roll)...I'm still happy, I'm OK, and I try my darndest not to let the scary bits get the best of me. They do sometimes and that's OK too. This is my life and I'm going to party like it's 1999. I have learned to be strong in the broken places. And just like Tim McGraw's song about living like you're dying...this time every year, the sun seems a whole lot brighter, the singing of birds a whole lot sweeter...smelling and drinking in each savory moment of every day to my very core.

Always feels good to catch up on here and blab. Gonna go love up the dogs with rubs and kisses, eat, check Facebook, and sleep. Tomorow is Friday people! Weekend! (thanks for popping by).

I did it!

Surgery! I was much calmer in the days leading up to surgery which actually freaked me out a little and felt good at the same time. But as I stepped foot in the McCaig building for the second time and the second surgery, I instantly wanted to bolt. I managed to get myself up to the 3rd floor day surgery unit and got gowned up and then waited and waited...and waited to be 'called' by a porter. Thank goodness for Holly being there to keep me company and more importantly, to keep me laughing. Despite being scared I was also calm. What a strange feeling but despite my nervousness I knew everything would be OK. I knew what to expect. I've done this before. I've got this. The porter finally came and that's when my nerves really kicked in. I got to the O.R. waiting area, met my resident anasthesiologist (who I gave a hard time, why do they send out residents to the most anxious patients? It was a teaching moment for me let me tell ya)...and I met Dr. Watson who was my actual anasthesiologist who has been doing this forever. Sweet and kind man with experience, thank goodness! I lucked out. The other lady getting surgery met with her anasthesiologist who looked like he was fresh out of school and I'm so glad he wasn't assigned to me! I'm sure he is amazing at his job, its just my psyche that wrestled with the idea of him. Then I met with Dr. Lindsay and of course, a really young, cute Dr. from Edmonton. I think also a resident but Dr. Lindsay made sure to tell me he IS a DOCTOR. Lol. They got me all marked up and calmed my fears as best they could (still teary at this point). Nothing like baring the full monty to a cute MD. Agggh. Soon after that, Holly gave me a big hug and I was escorted to the O.R. Holly was so sweet  and making sure to remind everyone how important this surgery was for me. Of course I'm teary and crying a little and everyone is SO sweet to me. O.R. nurses and anyone who works in the O.R. I swear are THE kindest and gentlest souls on earth. My main nurse was awesome and had that amazing combination of looking like she knows her shit but was sweet as pie. Solid. She guided me through each step (getting strapped down to the table is pretty freaky) and maintained eye contact with me and had my back! Another nurse in a mask said nothing to me except with her eyes and they were the kindest unspoken words that hit my heart and soul. I warned everyone not to laugh because I had ut my hospital pants on backwards and the opening was at the front. Hilarious. The resident anasthesiologist is meanwhile trying to slap my arm, have me make fists, looking and looking for a vein to insert the I.V. into. As she's doing this Dr. Lindsay is giving me the rundown of the procedure. I finally lost my patience and told the resident to get someone else to insert the I.V. I was polite but irriated, don't mess with an anxious patient sista! Get 'er done and get 'er done quick thank you very much. Dr. Watson got the I.V. in quickly. I got a weird taste in my mouth and asked about it, he said some people can taste the I.V. fluids. Gross. But of course I'm one of those people. I think they gave me O2 for a bit as well, standard procedure before anyone gets anasthetic. Right after that, I was being told by my main nurse that I'd be asleep in 30 seconds. It felt like forever. I felt all my limbs getting really heavy, got kind of dizzy, and then out. They didn't give the nice relaxing meds that I got last time which I was really hoping for. That MD was the best out of all three of my surgeries. Once surgery was completed, I got wheeled to the first recovery area where they keep you for about an hour. I woke up right away and had another great nurse Hilary, who chatted to me about her firend who had a double mastectomy and decided against reconstruction, about her own life, changes we've both made to eating, and she even gave me a recipe for a quinoa chocolate cake. I laugh that I picked up a recipe in the recovery room of all places. I recovered well. At first, I heard them say I was 'tachy' which I knew what that meant and it freaked me out a little. But my BP and O2 sats were awesome, and little blood loss I was told. I was quite shaky and blurry eyed which is normal from the anasthesia but it went away within that hour. Hilary always told me I was doing "fantastic" which always reassured me. There was one guy barfing from the anasthesia and I sure felt for him. Then I was wheeled back to the day surgery recovery area where I stayed for two hours. Ate some cookies, drank lots of water, hung out with Holly, and texted everyone with updates. My nurse there was also pretty great and very thorough. I made it to the bathroom and back without a near faint like last time so I got the OK to go home. My head felt clear but I felt a little unstable...I like how my nurse Theresa said, "its like you've had a few cocktails". Exactly! Holly wheeled me in a wheelchair to the parkade and right to the car per nurse Theresa's strict instructions. We went home, ate chicken noodle soup, and I snuggled into bed. Feel great today but napping lots. So glad this surgery is completed and no more scheduled!!!! Yeow! I'm done! I follow up with my surgeon next week. I'm hoping my boobs even out because one is bigger than the other...it better be swelling! And that's that. All done. Its amazing what we can endure and get through. I did it!

Surgery is now DAYS away!

I keep hearing the Jaws shark theme in my head. I need to stop that lol.

Just a quick blurb today...I fly home tomorrow for 2 weeks for surgery, recovery, and a follow up appt. with my surgeon before heading stateside again. I'm SO grateful that my work is so accomodating and allowing me to start work a week late. Amazing. It allows me time to go home, heal, go to my follow up appt., and be ready for work instead of feeling rushed. And to be honest, this IS a pretty big deal so I'm thankful for being given the opportunity to experience it with enough time to absorb and process it all too. Almost done with all this cancer schmancer.

Scared as heck? That's right. But somehow I manage to do what needs to be done and get through it anyway. And after this, other than a simple-ish procedure to get a nipple tattoo once 'the girls' have settled...no more big, bad, scary surgeries! AND I'll finally have two boobs again! TMI? Point is, I'm trying to keep THESE thoughts in my head as I get closer to my surgery date. (Dang it! There's that shark theme in my head again!).

And one month later I get to be back home again hanging with my sistas and doing the Melissa's run. I'd say life is pretty good. Even if I am broke from all this travel and plane tickets home!

And then, once back in the US, I start my job and I'm LOVING the idea of my new placement! I'm not a school therapist by any means, just not my passion. But this placement allows me to work with medically fragile home bound kiddos and at 'RTCs'...Residential Therapy Centers...level 3 lockdown baby. These are the kiddos with mental health and behavioral issues. Now that sounds sexy to me, in work terms that is. I miss my days of working at the maximum security prison for juveniles up to age 21. This is the next best thing for me when it comes to being passionate about what I do and finding reward in the work I do.

So...one more big hurdle in my personal Olympics and that's surgery. Then its all good from there...no more anticipation, no more stress. I could sure use some of that! And a freakin' celebratory pina colada.

Up and coming...

Surgery #2 is weeks away. And how funny that it's 4 days before the day I was diagnosed 4 years ago. As usual, I'm not looking forward to the surgery and as the weeks and days get closer...I get more nervous. But I'm keeping my eye on the prize, a boob! Funny how you cope and deal with having to stuff a fake boob into your bra every day, wrestle it back into place as it shifts constantly throughout the day, avoid certain clothing so people can't see it...things like that. It's a pain in the ass but you do it without complaining. In a few weeks, I can actually wear whatever shirt I want, including yoga tops and do yoga without worrying and checking if the fake boob is in a weird place and noticeable to others...you get the idea. Exciting!

I try not to look back much but it's amazing to review what I've been through. And still going through. I hope that innonence that life's big scary things won't happen to 'us' is something everyone gets to hang onto. Facing your own mortality head on and the process of lab tests, waiting for results that your life literally hangs on, surgery, chemo, radiation, and life long coping...let's just say I'm happy to be a survivor but don't wish it on anyone.

Better news...Melissa's with the Fortney sistas in September! A whirlwhind weekend awaits of a sisterly gathering, 10K run (walk?), and laughs and bonding. I can't wait! And how funny, again, that I'm doing Melissa's just weeks after another surgery. Only this time, I won't be caught in official race photos shifting my fake book around lol. Last time it was me without a boob, now it's me WITH a boob.

That's the update...feels good to get the surgery babble off my chest and breath a little. Starbucks is calling...

Yeehaw!

Well, it was a whirlwind tour home but so great. Being away from my hometown definately makes me appreciate it even more...but I always appreciate it. I'm proud of where I come from. Kind of like the lyrics in one of Paul Brandt's songs 'Alberta Bound' where he says, "its a pride that's been passed down to me". I'm proud to be an Albertan. Thanks dad.

The city is so green and smells so good right now. And of course Stampede was a lot of fun! I spent a total of 3 days on the grounds and saw the rodeo twice. I think that's the most I've ever been to the Stampede in my life! But I wouldn't be a good Calgarian if I didn't go this year...it was the 100th anniversary. I ate my fill of warm mini donuts, smokies, corn dogs, and weird deep fried food. And of course I saw a girl wearing a pair of cowboy boots that I now NEED to have and can't find anywhere. I will keep searching!

I saw friends and family and can't wait to see more of them in August. I also got the craziest psychic reading on 17th Ave that felt exactly like one of the ones you see on TV and get goosebumps from! Not a word of a lie, this lady nailed numbers, dates, events, and other pieces of info that were spot on. It was awesome! I've never experienced that before, I had goosebumps the entire time. And it left me with such a good feeling.

I'm back home in the US now and prepping for my next trip to cowtown for surgery. Not a fan but at least this will be the last one and I'll have a boob again. No more stuffing my little insert into my bras and making sure it doesn't shift around, etc...thank goodness for that. Its a pain in the ass. Whatever the docs gave me in my IV right before my surgery was SO relaxing last time, I think I'll be OK once that kicks in. Ugh. I find it so scary.

The next month will be busy trying to get the back yard in shape...it's getting there but there's a lot more to go. I'm so excited to get a big outdoor table and start enjoying the yard...its a good size and has so much potential. It'll be a great space once its all done. Even in the fall. The goal is to spruce up the back in the summer and then focus on the inside of the house during the winter.

Other than that, my head has been bursting with ideas...I plan to do some creative stuff, and I've been blogging...I have a new idea that I'm really excited about it. Just something for me to feel good about. And I'm hoping to start my cancer workshop idea in October...and the web business planning this fall. Feels good to have all these ideas coming in! I'm on my way to finding my north star.

Almost Home...

Not much to report but I felt like posting something today. My ashtanga practice is coming along...ever so slowly but its coming along. I was sick for about a week and didn't have the strength or energy to go to the shala regularly. So that set me back a bit. And I know I caught the bug from a guy at the yoga shala...dang it! I'm finally feeling better today and went to yoga this morning. I now know all the 'fundamentals' and will begin learning the 'primary series' when I get back from my trip home. In the meantime, I just practice what I know every day while I'm at home...and I'm not supposed to be "a bad lady...don't be lazy". Lol.

I like the yoga and feel pretty confident that I'll keep it up-its become a routine. Now I struggle with reintroducing Zumba or starting to try and run, AGAIN. I love Zumba. Its fun and it's a great workout. But I really have this urge to try and get myself running again. What to do? Add in what I love and put off running longer? Or dive into running and add Zumba later? Maybe I should just do the running and Zumba...alternate them. I have a tendency to do too much all at once and I'm trying to slow my roll so that I don't get overwhelmed and keep this up long term. This is why the dilemma.

I'm heading home on Sunday for a surgery consult and the 100th anniversay of the Stampede. I'm really looking forward to going home and really looking forward to having fun at the Stampede. It'll be busy trying to visit with friends and family and going to the Stampede but I'm excited to be home for a while. There really is no place like home.

Gettin' my groove on

I'm loving my new and current routine these days! I signed up for a 4 week beginner ashtanga yoga program and I'm really enjoying it! So, every Monday to Thursday, I walk to my morning yoga class, do yoga, then walk home and have a green smoothie. Today I started changing the routine a little by run/walking home from the yoga shala. I can only run for 2 minutes and walk for 2 minutes so far, and my body feels like its the weight of a refrigerator. Especially in the heat! But I'm trying not to obsess about doing it perfectly from the get go, or having any expectations like I usually do and then feeling defeated because I'm not doing it long enough, or fast enough, or good enough. I am slowly learning (finally in my 40s) that slow and steady wins the race. Meaning, over time and with patience, I will get there. And its OK if it takes a year versus expecting major changes in 2 weeks. lol!

And this yoga class...it isn't the typical yoga class that I'm used to and I found myself WAY outside my comfort zone last week (my first week there). I walked in thinking I'd set up my mat with the others in the class and we'd get started. Nope. This is all one-to-one! There are people of different levels all working away at their practice. You just walk in, set up your mat, and wait for Elise to come tell you what to do. And its short! The first week I have been doing a short series 5-15 times max and then a 'finishing' routine. This week I started adding a second routine. But I'm LOVING it! Its definately a workout and I like that I'm learning and repeating a routine and adding more and more with time.

There are people in there that can do the splits standing up, bend completely in half with their head and arms through their legs and walk...and then there are people starting out and everyone else in between. I am amazed at what some people are able to do!

I was really loving my Zumba class as well. I plan to go back again, just a few classes each week once I have this yoga and run/walk thing feeling a little 'easier'. I'm just really loving this new routine! I'll be sad to have to change it up once summer ends and I'm back to work...but it'll all work out somehow.

Chemo Brain

I'm in geek mode today (or is it panic mode?) and reading about something called "chemo brain". A very real and common effect on the brain after chemotherapy that can last a few months or years. Its kind of like having a mild form of dementia really. I feel a lot better after reading some published articles and also comments from cancer survivors because I was starting to panic and feel like I had dementia! And that's scary when you're someone who has worked with people with dementia for years and their families. But nope, its chemo brain! I'm self-diagnosing.

(It also doesn't help that I recently read a book about someone with dementia and watched the movie "Iron Lady" about Margaret Thatcher...who has dementia...it was hitting a little too close to home! The movie was incredible though...just FYI).

The symptoms vary with people affected by chemo brain...you can experience a range of things like confusion, word finding difficulties (you know, that thing that you drink out of...oh a cup!), forgetting things you usually know really well (like people's names) or even forgetting things like appointments and forgetting the way home, difficulty concentrating, etc...yikes right?!

And most of us find out about chemo brain by experiencing these symptoms and reading about it on the internet or talking with other cancer survivors. Not from our doctors. What? Seriously? No offense, but cancer and chemo are a pretty common thing these days...better hit the books doc and get current. Or even easier, just google it like your patients do! Anyway...that's my anal speech therapist coming out. We are uber thorough. But truthfully, it'd be kind of nice to have a 'heads up' BEFORE experiencing the symptoms so patients don't panic or struggle without help and think there's something wrong with them. Cancer is tough enough. Give us a break.

Off my soap box and back to chemo brain. Its all thanks to chemotherapy which can be a good thing in one respect but not so brain-friendly. Some of these chemo drugs (if not all) cross the blood-brain-barrier (BBB). The BBB is kind of like a gated community...its semi-permeable and you have to qualify to get inside. Meaning that it allows some materials to cross into the brain but not others. Basically, it protects the brain by preventing "yucky" or bad things getting in. But sometimes even the best gate keeper can be broken down or duped. And chemo is one of those yucky things that somehow bypasses the gatekeeper and CAN get in. 2 of the 3 types of chemo I had can definately cross the BBB. Not to mention the potential that all the other drugs they gave me could also contribute.

I joke that I have a mild cognitive impairment or what I call a chemo-induced brain injury (CIBI). That's my new term! But its actually kind of true. I noticed chemo brain later in my treatments...I'd completely forget appointments and forget that I even made them, I'd lose keys, things like that. Which is something that never happened to me. Never. But I expected it to be transient, thinking it'd go away after chemo. No big deal. Some of the oncologists in my world acknowledge it but call it "brain fog" and you get the sense that it goes away. Nope. It can actually last a long time and be very debilitating. Some people can't hold down jobs because of it. I'm almost 4 years post diagnosis and 3 years post chemo and I still have it.

I can't be bothered to read long emails or long articles like I used to until I work up to it, my mind can go completely blank when I see stuff like that and just shuts off. I have difficulty multi-tasking and completing projects or even getting started. It feels overwhelmeing and like its too much effort. Even if I'm excited about them. I can be very forgetful including forgetting things people tell me, or remembering what I did the day before. Or even hours or minutes before! I blame it on chemo brain and usually warn people about me. It can be scary if you focus on it too much so it was good for me to read about it again today and seek relief in the accounts of others and realize that's all it is. Chemo brain.

Being an SLP, I laugh because this is the kind of thing I help people with and now I'm helping myself with the same strategies, only I'm a bad patient. I don't always use the strategies that I know would help. The symptoms can be subtle and most people won't notice it, but the person experiencing it notices it, big time. It can be scary and weird to be having 'senior moments' when you're 40 years old. (although, to a teenager, 40 IS old). And people who know you can get irritated by it even when they know what it is and its not intentional. Like when I forget something someone told me, and they have to remind me. Ugh. I'm not being an a-hole I promise. LOL.

Inspiration

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark.... Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."

- Ayn Rand, was the best selling author of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged.

My Brain

"You don't really want to die, what you really want is to be saved".

Sounds morbid, I know. But I really liked this quote. When you feel at your worst, its true, you really want to be saved. It might not feel like it, but you do.

Reading http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/ is a surprisingly good way to laugh which is just what I need.

More about the adventures of Tracey to come...the times, they are a changing.