Breaking in the season...

I have to say that there aren't many, if any, really memorable work-related Christmas parties that I been to over the years. But this year I had 2 work-related functions to go to in one weekend and both were a lot of FUN! Lots of great, really sociable people to talk with, delicious food and desserts, wine, and dancing. Oh, and watching the CEO's wife get so smashed that she was fighting to stay conscious while sitting at the table...head bobbing around, hair wild, makeup smeared, hilarious really. We've all been there but man am I glad those days are long behind me!

Secret Santa is in full swing at work this week with a final potluck on Thursday, how very 'Rehab'...always a potluck. This year I volunteered to bring a 'main' dish (they're always the least picked on the sign-up list) and I'm already regretting it and stressing what to make. Something in the slow cooker, that's a given.

Time to go watch a movie called 'Hangover' that everyone keeps telling me is hilarious. Meatballs for dinner and maybe some popcorn. Not a raw night, that's for sure!

Feels like...

I have the weight of the world on my shoulders these days. I've been 'asking' for my heart to be open to hear, feel, know, receive the answer I need to kick start my life forward again. I love a website called 'The Daily Love' and it gets sent to my inbox every morning...a few quotes and some advice...relating to a theme for that day.

Today, a lot of it stuck with me. I liked this part of one quote:

"Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present." Rabindranath Tagore

The whole page of quotes and info really stuck with me today to be honest. This next little bit of advice resonated with me:

"If the story of your life hasn't turned out the way you wish it would have, please remember that it isn't over yet!

You can choose a different ending to your story right now. All it takes is one choice...one choice to let go of anyone and anything that doesn't serve your joy. One choice to LEAP into the UNKNOWN...one chance to finally stand up and proclaim to yourself and the world that you are NOT going to die wondering "WHAT IF I NEVER pursued my DREAMS?"

And although I already know this deep in my core, I do think my heart isn't ready to take that LEAP, in whatever direction that might be. And that is *#!!*&! frustrating! I used to be AMAZING at knowing what I wanted and went for it. Stuck? That wasn't in my vocabulary...until now. I feel frozen. I am confused about what I REALLY want and I fear making a decision that will cause regret.

I have been impulsive more than sensible most of my life, when it comes to decision making. And although I haven't had true regret, I have often wished I hadn't been so impulsive and picked the 'smarter' path. But I was also naive. And I look back now wondering if maybe all of those decisions led me here...many hopes and dreams not met yet that I thought would have been...to look back and wonder if I should scrap all that and chart a completely new course...or continue on the one I'm on with the hope and belief that it CAN be incredible?

When did I let life get so hard and confusing? All I can do is to stay 'open' and try and heed the signs, feeling, intuition, courage, etc that I can so that one day, my heart will know what to do and I can keep on chugging forward.

A little flair please...

I was reviewing my older blog posts and I think I was a little more savvy then, versus now. I need to pick it up a little! I was laughing while re-reading about the merman, impressed at my diligence to pursue dreams (no matter how big or scary or quirky), and just reminisce.

Its chilly in here tonight and I need to get to bed but remind me to tell you about my surgical consult a while back. Trust me, not every girl's dream! Of course, the end result will be fabulous (hello boob!). I'll tell you about it later though. Need...to...warm...up...and...sleep. Goodnight.

Armed with books and CDs

Back from Canmore but before leaving I hit up a store I always seem drawn to...'Spirit of the West' or something like that. I'm not a huge fan of stores heavy on crystals but this one has a few good finds nestled within the crystals. And some nice jewelry too.

I picked up another copy of 'Eat Pray Love'...Tamara sent me a copy a while back (before all the hype) and its gone missing. I also picked up another book and a meditation CD. I always seem to get 'high' on books and then have a hard time trying to find the time to read them. Once again, I caught myself vowing that "this time" I'm "REALLY" going to focus on these books and get them read. REALLY.

I also managed to start working on my other idea that is still hush hush for now. I got the toughest part done (in my opinion anyway) and now its all about making it look appealing. Its a package. That's all I'll say. A few more things to get ready and then I'll mail it off and tell you more about it. You will probably laugh. But its on the 'dream list'.

The drive home from Canmore was a little tense, I'm not a fan of fog and it was thick tonight. Thankfully, there was a car ahead of me and I followed the red tail lights...thank you whoever you are! I'd come out of the fog into a clear patch only to hit another patch. I am happy to be home.

Back to work tomorrow. We're taking a Christmas photo (just us SLPs). Have a staff meeting at 08:15. Then pretty much a typical day at RGH from there on.

Just watched one of my supernatural shows...are you rolling your eyes? Now to bed and start one of these books!

A horse with no name...

I don't know what to call this blog yet. So I'm just going to write and see what comes to mind. I'm currently in Canmore for the weekend with Kiva. Seems like all I've been doing is grocery shopping and cooking...I've been on a real vegetarian focus and trying a lot of new recipes. The black bean brownies I made tonight were GREAT! Courtesy of Dr. Oz. I'm also hooked on natural popcorn with a smidgen of butter and a whole lotta chipotle seasoning. Salty and spicy, it grabs you.

Its sunny and warmish up here. We went for a nice walk along the river after I had my medium decaf from Beamer's of course! Just going to relax tonight, maybe watch some TV...hasn't been on all day. The only time I actually crave TV is on 'Supernatural Sundays'. I'm loving the child psychics show...especially watching them help with 'cold cases' for the police and families. I get chills at how accurate these kids are with no information! A slightly scary Fortney trait I believe.

I'm not feeling 'Christmasy' at all which is uber strange for me. I usually love love love getting into the feel of Christmas. Hmmm.

Life is a mystery my friends. No road map. Which I like. Most days. My life lately has shifted to eating better, trying to eat more 'veggie' (and its been really easy)...getting massages more regularly, and trying to hone in on my inner voice and see what and where I'm supposed to do and be in 2011. There's a great 'stillness' room at one of my favorite places in the city for relaxation and wellness...a little meditation room set up with all you need (cozy meditation chair, CDs...). I can't wait to book it and try and go regularly.

I have another 2 things up my sleeve for the near future...one is getting my nose pierced and the other...well its a little too Fortney and very Tracey. I'll reveal that one in a bit.

Hope all is well in your world. Peace out.

Kept on truckin'...

Managed to do a 1.5 hour walk yesterday and another 2 hour walk tonight. If anything, it'll keep me at baseline considering I ate 2 Thanksgiving dinners (not on the same night) and probably didn't work anything extra off. But I feel proud of myself for keeping it up over the weekend.

A friend posted a website about '30 days raw' on their FB page and it inspired me to get back on track with that too. The website was about diabetes and the raw food diet, but it was a good reminder to stick with it.

So, starting tomorrow I'm going back to hardcore raw for 30 days and will continue my 2 hour walks home from work. That's the plan.

Time for some rest and relaxation before the work week begins again. Ugh. I dream of winning the lottery or coming into some big money. I could totally do the retirement thing already. I could do it really well actually!

Gobble Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving weekend everyone (Canadians anyway)...no walks home from work this long weekend and more food than normal I'm sure. Who can resist turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie??? I'm actually baking 2 pies as we speak. I'm hoping to bake 2 more tomorrow but first I have to see how these ones turn out. I plan on giving all but one of them away. The tenants downstairs are uni students from Yellowknife and have someplace to go for dinner but I thought they might like a pie. And the dog daycare people, and family.

Out to dinner tonight and I think an improv show. Man do I need to laugh. But I'll die if its the type of show where they bring you on stage! Tomorrow and Monday are family Thanksgiving dinners, then its back to work. Didn't go out of town to Canmore but it might have been nice.

Tomorrow I'm planning a shorter but decent walk with Kiva along the river. Trying to eat properly this weekend and get some exercise in, even if its not the 2 hours I have been doing after work. Slowly but surely. I keep wanting to see instant results body-wise. Nothing yet after 2 solid days ha ha. Seriously, I WAS really hoping.

Day 2...

Did you already guess that I didn't make the morning work walk? Sleep, resting my sore body, and coffee won out. Hello! But I DID do the walk home again, another 13 km. And I hurt. Mostly my feet (I think a blister is developing on my left heel but I'm ignoring it). That *!!&**! of a hill...19th street...REALLY hurt. Its right at the end of my walk...almost 2 hours in. I actually don't even know how I made it up that hill today. I felt like I was walking on 2 'clubbed feet' or 'stumps'. But I did it. Yay me!

I have realized (yet again) that walking to AND from work is a lofty starting point. My urge is bigger than my ability at this point. Such a Gemini (or perhaps Fortney). Everything seems SO possible and instantly! Of course! Why couldn't I suddenly start walking 26 km each day without any problem? Ugh.

People at work think I'm nuts. I thought about that on the way home. Its not really any different than someone going for a 13 km run, is it? I guess walking 2 hours home after work DOES seem a little odd...old school...especially when there are buses, cars...I laughed to myself thinking, "I've always been a bit quirky though" and I do odd things. Sista G would say this is the Fortney gene. I laugh even more.

Off to bed and really hoping my feet and legs hold out for one more walk home tomorrow. The next day, Friday, is my day off from work and I'm doing yoga with my stepmom yoga instead. I'm really looking forward to that.

Feet don't fail me now!

Walktober has officially begun!

I had to drive to work today because I had an appointment during the day BUT...I DID walk home from work and got a ride back to my car. 13Km one way and took me about 2 hours.

My favorite part was stopping for water at Hill's grocery...a little convenience store in Bankview. The Asian man there has the friendliest face and instead of saying hello to me, he shouted "hey lady!". He kept saying "hey lady" to me after that too. It cracked me up.

Let's see if I can manage to wake up at the crack of dawn and walk to work in the morning. It means I have leave at 5:45 a.m. That will be the real test people. It isn't sounding like such a good idea right now, with a belly full of spaghetti and stiff muscles...but I am determined to try!

And a special shout out to Ozzy Osborne who got me pumped up enough to walk over the foot bridge above rush hour traffic on Glenmore Trail. "Aye aye aye! All abooard!" (Crazy Train).

"Walktober"

Fall is here and I have been feeling like a big lump. Tired. Unmotivated. My newest remedy? "Walktober" (a.k.a. October). I feel like an inventor, only with exercise. I keep coming up with new ideas but not many of them 'stick'. But bare with me on this one, as I have hope for it.

Its beautiful outside, the leaves are changing into phenominal, bright colors...I love the light breezes, the beauty, the smell of the air, and the FEEL of the air in fall. I get a distinct feeling inside of me during this time of year. A yearning for warmth, affection, all that is good and comforting. Just mmmm mmmm good.

And I like walking. So rather than try and run, cycle, do PX90...why not start at the place I'm at? Walking. Hence, the birth of 'Walk-tober'.

The goal is to walk everywhere I can instead of drive. This includes work which would mean about 1.5 - 2 hours one way. I kind of like that though! I'll feel invogorated by the time I get to work and decompress on the walk home. It sounds good right? I can do this. I'm excited about gearing up in the morning and getting out there. And I'm hoping its the kickstart to further exercise once my body is warmed up from all the walking.

Part of the reason that got me thinking of this was P's mom. She always talks about how no one was ever "fat" (hate that word) back in the day because...you guessed it...they WALKED everywhere. She grew up in Rossland, BC...hill country. She and her siblings walked to work and back (including up and down a huge hill every day) and everywhere in between.

It may mean I get home later at the end of the day but what better way to spend time?

My other addition to today's note is...I am in LOVE with the ghoulash and spetzel (sp?) at the Edelweiss restaurant in the neighborhood. Ate there last night and even savored the button mushrooms in the ghoulash and I'm not a fan of the mushroom. A 'must try' if you're in the area.

Another late night...

Life can change in a single moment. Sometimes you have control of that moment and sometimes you don't. And when you do have control of that moment, it doesn't necessarily make it any easier. A wise friend told me that whatever choices and decisions I make, they will be the right ones. Why is it that everyone else seems to have the faith and the courage that I don't? I am stuck. I need to harness my 'Truth', saddle up, and ride. But first, I need some balls.

Life's little lessons and then some...

OK, wow. A few things to report but I have to get this one off my chest first. So, I decided to get a massage today (booked it yesterday at a place I really like called Prema Sai...a funky, calming place with some spirituality in the air). I haven't been there in ages so of course, the practitioners change and I have no idea who I'm getting. Her name ended up being Terri; a young, fun, tiny little blond 'girl' with cool short hair. She puts me in the room and I started stripping down. As I layed face down on the massage table I realized that I didn't even look around the room to get a sense of what this Terri chick is all about. Usually, I like getting a feel of the room and the things in it. "Oh well" I think, "I'll check it out when we're done".

Sometime during the massage I started getting a sense that Terri did other therapies as well and I asked her. She does...energy work, craniosacral therapy, etc. Then a vision popped into my mind and I saw an eagle man spreading his wings while facing me head on. He stayed there long enough for me to recognize that yes, this is what I was actually seeing. I remember thinking he was a chief eagle man and looking harder for the head dress...that wasn't clear to me and he started to fade fast. "Hmmm" I thought. "I'm going to google the meaning of eagle in Native American terms when I get home". Then I wondered if I was just crazy and vibing off the energy of being in a holistic clinic.

Remember how I said I wanted to check out the room before leaving? No word of a lie, as I am sitting up from my massage, I looked up and there was a vase filled with feathers on a high shelf right beside the massage table. Eagle feathers? Weird! Coincidence? This is something that happens to sista G, not me...I couldn't wait to get home and figure this out.

I googled the meaning of eagle and you have no idea how meaningful the eagle description is in my life right now, I nearly fell off my freakin' chair when I read about eagle. You will likely understand this more as I blog more regularly and things move forward. Key words that resonate with me are courage, freedom, a message to trust and fly...

www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=95890948826

www.religions-and-spiritualities-guide.com/american-eagle.html

The other things I can't forget to mention are that I spoke with THE Kris Carr on the phone on Wednesday. I happened to visit her website at random (I visit now and then for inspiration) and saw that she was offering phone consults. I signed up without hesitation and then felt more and more dorky and nervous as the day of the phone call approached. I'm not one to 'talk to strangers' and admittedly felt like a groupie, like I was calling a celebrity or something. Ugh.

Anyway, she is by far the coolest gal on this planet, filled me with ideas and inspiration, and we bonded over our love of New Mexico which she deems as her 'spiritual center'. I hear ya sister! I also loved how she considers herself a 'spiritual marathon runner'. She has led the way for so many of us young cancer survivors and has done all the leg work to pass on an incredible wealth of hope and information. Plus she swears (uses the f word), I loved that. Real. It was great to speak with her and put myself out there, outside my comfort zone. I plan on going to Upaya in Santa Fe one day now too.

I personally think her website is inspiring even if you haven't had cancer so check it out: http://www.crazysexycancer.com/ and her blog: http://www.crazysexylife.come/ (packed with jewels and jewels of information).

The last few things...what the heck is up with mishaps this week??? I was searching online for new green smoothie recipes and one woman was RAVING about using green cabbage and fruit, and how lovely the taste and color of it was. She also mentioned that it would be perfect for newbies to try (which I'm not but I like milder smoothies so what the heck). DO NOT try this at home!!!! BLEGH!!!! I took a sip of what I liken to liquid FIRE. Holy cannoli cabbage is spicy HOT! Similar I imagine to drinking garlic juice. Seriously lady? I don't know what she's thinking. I happened to share this with Kris Carr who immediately asked me, "Girl, what were you doing?". I was a little happy to hear that it was normal to hate the cabbage smoothie from the guru herself and that I wasn't just a wimp. I'm open to expanding my green smoothie repertoire and experimenting but this one was a huge bust. Gross.

And speaking of fire...despite my eagle vision, my massage today wasn't the greatest. I'm allergic to sunflower seeds and sunflower oil. So much so that even if I get it on my skin I react BADLY (coughing, can't breath). Of course when I mention this, Terri the massage therapist has to go on a hunt for massage oil not containing sunflower. After a really long time, she finally came back exhausted but armedwith some peppermint lotion instead. OK. Not!

After she massaged both arms and my back I couldn't stand it any longer! My body was on FIRE and I was freeeeezing!!! I was trying to suck it up and just brave through but I couldn't. I finally caved and told Terri how I was feeling and she started laughing. She then admitted that her eyes had been watering and her hands were tingling really badly. We laughed and then switched to a shea butter lotion which was much better but by then, the whole relaxation thing wasn't happening. Terri told me that one day she was really hot and rubbed some muscle rub (like A5-35 or Tiger Balm) all over her skin and she was freezing for the rest of the night. Exactly what I felt like. She did get me a blanket which helped though. And funny that her name was Terri...that was my given name at birth. I don't feel connected to it like I do my 'real' name Tracey but...one has to wodner if there's significance in that too considering today.

That's all folks.

My birthday and a brand new year

Okay, I'm only 39 years old now but still swirling in what I feel is a kind of early or pre midlife crisis. Sounds more dramatic when I put it down in words to be honest. Yikes. Anyway...

I feel like I'm on the edge of big and crazy change. Which, I have to admit, I LOVE change. But in order to do so this time around I really need to tap into my gut and feel and listen to what its telling me. Hard to do though because I'm so deeply entrenched that I can't tell what the 'frig' its really telling me. Both of my options seem pretty dang good and each day I seem to sway toward one option more than the other but equally. I'm at a point in my life where I seem to have most everything I dreamed of having when I was a little younger. Nothing major like millions of dollars, etc, just the simple things that create happiness in life. I'm on the brink of it all coming together...and yet, I feel that something is missing and that's the pull in the other direction. I need to put both feet on one path or the other but I'm confused and kind of a coward for the first time in life! I usually jump in without too much hesittation but this feels monumental and is making me freeze in my tracks. A wise friend told me that whatever decision I make is going to be the right one and reminded me that I can make anything happen in life if its what I want, anything is possible...and I find myself hanging on to those words and repeating them in my head daily. I'm hoping something starts feeling really right so it can shift me in some direction and out of limbo.

The bright light of the month of June was seeing Josh Ritter in concert in Seattle with Tamara. FRONT ROW! That guy comes out smiling and never stops. His joy is infectious! Pure happiness and loving what he does...you can FEEL it. A role model for how to love the life you live.

Hmmm...

Life. Its always changing. I hear stories about people, friends, and loved ones every day that make me realize there are no rights and wrongs. Just when you think you yourself or everybody else is doing ok, you hear or find that things have changed. It makes me feel very normal to be honest and takes some pressure off of feeling like I need to know exactly what to do or what I'm doing. Although, I could use an education in trusting my feelings and decisions more and truly pursuing and living the life I love. I used to, and then somehow that changed. I really liked a quote I read today (thanks Holly for posting this one): Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating memories and learning from the past. I think I'll chew on that a while.

Back on Canadian soil

Well, I'm back home. Not sure if I should be posting a blog entry today since I'm lacking flair and energy...been unpacking and fitting in appointments in between. Suddenly, its Friday, a whole week gone by already! And there is so much more to do! I was hoping to get everything done by today so I could enjoy the weekend free and clear. Maybe I should just relax a little and not push myself to get it all done in such a hurry. Yep, that sounds like a good idea. Let it go Trace!

OMG, Leonard Nemo (Spock from Star Trek) is actually in Vulcan, Alberta today (per the radio broadcast I just heard). Apparently he's wearing his original ears from the 1950s. Love it.

Big appointment next Friday, my annual mammogram and ultrasound and I can't help but re-live the fear of hearing I have cancer all over again. I know there's no point in worrying but its tough not to. Cross your fingers for me and here's hoping I get another 'all clear'. Once that is over with, I can breath again. Its inhibiting me from feeling 100% right now...but I'm trying.

I start work on Monday so that will be a crazy week and will hopefully keep my mind off the ta-tas. Not thrilled about heading back to the same old job and same old low morale but its a stepping stone and a paycheck. If anything, I've learned not to settle for anything less than your hopes and dreams...so if it doesn't feel right, adios! But, it could be great too. No expectations.

Okay, that's all I have in me for now. Missing my peeps in New Mexico and thinking of you all. And happy to see familiar faces again and be home in C-town at the same time.

Oh, favorite quote of the day (stumbled upon it during my organizng and unpacking)"
"Alone, one cannot share life". I am definately not lacking and so grateful for that.

Wow...time flies

This time next week I'll be rolling down the highway and headed north again. Still so much to do that it really hasn't hit me yet. I wish I could move all of New Mexico with me. The people, the food, the landscape, the culture, the vibe...onward bound I guess. I love a good road trip and all the adventure it holds, and there is a lot to go home to and for. I'm torn between two places. Guess I always will be.

Still fighting this virus which sucks. Seriously, its like clockwork. Night hits and my throat hurts with every swallow, the coughing begins, as do the sleepless nights. I am now not so thrilled at the idea of getting a 'cold' as mentioned in my previous post. It sucks. I lull myself to sleep with honey/lemon water and Stephen King's new book "Under the Dome". Its gigantic and deserves a pat on the back after getting through it in my opinion. Sadly, I've barely broken into the first 100 pages and there are 1000 total. Tough to read when you are coughing constantly!

Still addicted to Emergency and have almost made it through season 4 online. After that, I'll have to buy the next 2-3 remaining seasons. NBC hasn't posted those episodes yet. And trust me, I will buy them.

Well, cheers to another sleepless night and wincing with every swallow. Here's hoping tomorrow is the day I start turning a corner!

Small town USA

I'm sure gonna miss this place and the people...such a relaxed and gentler way of life. I just spent an hour hanging out at a friend's hair salon as she cut hair, chatting with her and all the clients coming and going. Very 'Steel Magnolias' kind of feeling to it all. Everyone is interwined after you've been here for a while and you end up knowing lots about everyone, mostly in a good way too. You sure don't get to do stuff like that in the big city. Or at least I haven't been able to. Po-ke-no nights, neighbours helping neighbours, its a beautiful thing and I feel like I belong in this kind of world...small town USA. Everything and everyone is just REAL. You can let your hair down, nothing and nobody to keep up with, no rat race, just real life. Free and easy.

Aaachoo!

Well, I AM still happy about the fact that I caught a cold. BUT, the thrill is definately over. I thought it was as bad as it was going to get for the first few days...a short lived sore throat and a bit sniffly but otherwise felt okay. Until last night. It hit hard. I'm currently living on green tea, kleenex, Halls, and minimal sleep. Rented a cheesy movie from Red Box this afternoon ("Old Dogs") and plan to lay in bed watching it and try and sleep afterward. I love Red Box by the way! Movies for $1.00...get outta town. Also got some red chile stew to make for dinner tonight and lunch tomorrow...that should be the hearty kick my cold needs to start turning around. Poor Kiva is bored and sleeping on the floor beside me...what a trooper.

Sore throat

And happy about it! I know it sounds strange, but this is my 2nd sore throat/cold-ish kind of thing in a year and I am celebrating. I haven't had a cold or illness for YEARS and I mean 5-6 years. Nothing...no colds, no flu, nothing. I always felt that something wasn't right about that. Was my immune system on overdrive, working when it didn't have to and preventing any illness? So, I feel like my body is rebalancing and well on the way to normal again. I could be nutty but...this is just my thought and i'm happy about having a sore throat.

Beautiful Day

It's the weekend! And...its sunny, the birds are chirping, life is good. I feel great! Even knowing that I have a ton of reports to write and will be working from home this weekend.

I'm feeling MUCH better after the crappy night I had the night before...the reason for my previous blog entry about 'late nights'? Well, after putting two and two together, the lightbulb went on. 2 Cokes and a good portion of a bag of Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies (chocolate in the middle) at about 9:00 p.m. turned out to be the cause of a very restless and uncomfortable night. All that caffeine caused insomnia, a RACING heart, and heart palpitations that lasted into the morning. I would have called in sick but can't afford to right now. But it went away by mid morning.

I know better. I have the Fortney heart that gets all crazy when it comes to caffeine, alcohol, stress...but I am lousy at resisting temptation. I am sure appreciating how great I feel today though! Slept like a baby last night, even slept in a little. And woke up to this beautiful day.

Off to get a coffee and tackle reports.

Late nights

I've somehow gotten into the habit of staying up until midnight or even later. My alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m. so I can't afford to be a night owl! It's currently 12:17 a.m. as I type this. I have my green tea with lemon and honey (makes it taste like neocitron...mmmmmmm) hoping it lulls me to sleep. My nightly routine includes that, and my "heat sack" which I nuke for 3 minutes and put into my bed, and of course...I then hunker down into the blankets and watch an episode of Emergency! on my computer (thanks NBC). I have a crush on Johnny Gage. But my nightime ritual is getting later and later. Guess its stress and excitement. Trying to get all of my work done so I can leave knowing its all ship shape for the next SLP who comes. I'm way behind as it is because me and paperwork do not get along. I think about everything I have to do, including packing, planning, and everything else to do once I get home. Its good stress though. And amazingly, despite the lack of sleep and not so favorable weather conditions, I'm making it out the door for my run/walk dealy-o. Day 3 tomorrow and the end of week 1, yay Tracey! Well, guess I'll go start the rest of my routine and get to bed. Next week...earlier to bed.

Life is a mystery

I am totally relating to that song this morning. Just waiting to go for a haircut...a 'real' haircut. I've been getting by with Supercuts (I know, you're laughing or gasping) but now my hair is at that breaking point and needs to start finding a style. Its time to bring in the pros!

Its my day off and its a lovely spring day outside. I know this because I had to track down my dog Kiva, who escaped from the backyard this morning. Luckily, she doesn't go far and I always know where to find her. She thinks its riot when I DO find her and we race home on the sidewalk. Guess that's a good thing too, she comes home.

So, the title of the blog...its exactly how I'm feeling. How the heck do people know what the 'right' decision is for them in life? In all matters of life. Is it a total crap shoot? Do we follow our heart or our head? What are the rules? Someone tell me please. I feel like I've been through a MAJOR life transition with cancer, and always living with that now...it has sort of become a guide for me...a reminder to do what you love and live life to its fullest. I guess I used to know what that meant for me and now, I don't. I'm on the brink of making major choices as well...marriage, adoption, where I live...do I do all these things or do I stay put where I am and blaze a new trail? I think this is what a midlife crisis feels like. How come everyone else seems to know what they want and make the right decisions, I never trust mine.

Life IS a mystery. Am I totally on my own with thinking and feeling thsi way? ADVICE PLEASE. I would love to hear as many responses as I can.

Thanks for listening.

2010

A brand new year. I really can't believe that at this time last year, I was bald and still going through chemo...counting down the days until February when my last treatment was scheduled and dreaming of being right where I am now, in New Mexico.

However, I didn't roll into this new year strong either. I had 'gastroenteritis' and was sick in bed and not eating, truly feeling like I was still going through chemo! An unplanned detox so to speak...guess that's a bright side to it all. I can start the new year pure and clean inside and out. I'm happy to say that I am feeling like my usual self again and appreciating it mucho.

I didn't set any formal 'resolutions' because I was too sick and not really in the mood! I think its a good thing though. I have my overall plan, which involves working out, running, and continuing on with my raw and veggie diet. And I'm eager to get hiking in the spring and find a few like-minded peeps and get out every weekend that I can. And of course, paint the Boler and take that sweet baby out on the road a few times this summer. Simple goals but happy and healthy ones.

Better buckle down and get some reports written from home today...that is my biggest goal. Catching up on my paperwork so I can eliminate some of my daily stress. I was so not meant for outpatient therapy...too many reports and paperwork!

Not a real exciting or entertaining blog post today I'm afraid. But, it is what it is I guess. Stay tuned for more from 2010.