Road Trippin' with a man boob

Road trip starts tomorrow! Cross country to North Carolina with a side trip to DC and then home. Bags are packed. We have an early start at 07:00. I am so glad this day is finally here. December was a whirlwind of work, surgery, and the holidays. I'm so glad to have all the stress behind me, especially surgery. I think that was the biggest worry on my shoulders so it feels sooooooooooooo good to have that done. And it was a positive experience which means I'm actually not too freaked out about the second surgery in June! Whatever they gave me in the O.R. before the anasthetic made me feel so relaxed that I was thanking everyone and telling them how great I felt. I could hear myself slurring my words, it was hilarious. But seriously, I have NEVER felt that relaxed, it was amazing! Anyway...that's why the reference to the man boob. My tissue expander in place with a little inflation looks just like a man boob. I'm over the pain of the first week but its still uncomfortable. I'm not so sure its 100% kosher to drive but I can. I'll just take the straight, flat routes on the highway and freeways, we'll be OK. I should probably be more worried that we're driving in a Toyota Echo, ha ha. I'm excited to head into the new year doing one of my favorite things (road trip), seeing new sites, making new memories, spending time with good friends and family, and then a new boob in summer. We're stopping in Winnipeg to see my sista G before crossing the state line and heading south. I'm excited to see her and my brother and Polly and the kiddos in DC. I'll get to ride the Amtrack for the first time too. Can't wait. Time to eat, sleep, then put on my RTC t-shirt (road trip chicks) and frappe la rue.

DI Techs ROCK!

I work with them almost daily (or did when I worked at RGH) and they are an SLP's second family in terms of work departments. These peeps are pretty special. Kind, compassionate, fun. I had to have an enhanced CT scan of my head done today and not at RGH where I work. It was actually scheduled for Tuesday but I chickened out because of my crazy fear of non-ionic contrast. The tech that day was so incredibly supportive that she actually gave me the direct number to the techs so I could go have a coffee, think about it, and call her with my decision. She left my spot open for me all day. I called and we rescheduled...I spent about 2 hours at the Garden Cafe at FMC trying to talk myself off the ledge but couldn't. Today I went in for the second attempt and I felt like a total diva! Thanks to chemo it took 2 techs and then an ER nurse to get my IV in. That was after being wrapped in warm blankets to try and warm me up and make those veins pop. After my IV was in, I headed into the CT room followed by my entourage of techs and nursing cheering me all the way. The tech who gave me the contrast and did the scan didn't take his hand off of my shoulder the whole time the contrast was going in. I swear I could have asked him to marry me and meant it! He also very slyly gave me a few cc's of the contrast but told me it was saline "to test the IV line and make sure it was patent". After 5 minutes he told me what he had done and that I was officially not allergic. Nice move! I got the rest of the contrast and scan done no problem! The techs watched me for about 15 minutes post just to make sure I was okay. Then they sent me off with kind and heartfelt wishes for good results and a job well done. AMAZING. Thank you Deena, Krista, pink shirt tech lady with black hair, Susan the ER nurse and ever so calming and supportive Gavin. You have no idea how much of a difference you made in my life today. Thank you thank you thank you for understanding a crazy patient like me!

Seriously?!!!!

The universe is pushing my buttons and its starting to piss me off. My surgery that was scheduled (for the 4th time) on Monday was bumped a 5th time to April. I came home to that lovely voicemail message yesterday and because it was after hours, I couldn't get in touch with the surgeon's office until today. Awesome! I didn't sleep at all last night. I went into their office this morning versus calling and managed to get my surgery rebooked in 2 weeks versus April. It all worked out but I could have done without the stress and sleepless night.  And it means that my long awaited TCM appointment out of town which is booked for the day before surgery leaves me driving there and back in a day, the day before my surgery. Nice. And I have to cancel my 2nd appt. that I had with the TCM doc the following day. It only took me 4 months to get to these appointments, but whatever right? Frustrating! But I wasn't about to turn down the surgery and wait until April. I spent my day off today getting up early so I could get to the office right when it opened. This was my one day to sleep in, that's all I wanted. I came home and was putting the last 2 days behind me by napping on the couch when I see a Peace Officer coming up to the door. I figured it was in regards to my mom (that story in a minute) but it was about my dog. Due to procrastination, I neglected to renew her city license on time and now have a ticket for $250.00. Come on! And as for my mom, I found out yesterday that while my she was at the pool in her condo, someone went into her unit and stole $2000.00 from her wallet. Is there a freakin' full moon or something? Give me a break universe. I'm begging you.

Gearing up for another road trip!

'Tis a busy season for this gal! Working 3 jobs until mid December. Surgery is booked for Dec. 12th. Traditional Chinese Medicine appointment is booked for Dec. 19th and 20th (out of town). CT scan of head is booked for Dec. 23rd. SAIT learning design deadline is also Dec. 23rd. Christmas holidays. And then ROAD TRIP!!!! I'm saddling up with a friend who is moving state side to do travel therapy for the year. We're driving cross country and I can't wait! We'll be making a stop in WPG and I'm excited to have a visit with my sista and catch up. I'm going to get to see states that I've never been to before and Nashville, TN! Here's hoping I run into Scotty McCreery...actually I could also potentially run into him in NC (the final destination for my friend) because he lives there. I'm joking (not really). Then I'm making my way to Baltimore for a few days before flying home. I'll get to spend a few solid days with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece and nephew. And...baby #3 is due around that time so I just might meet the new addition as well! Its been a long time since I've been on an actual road trip with a girlfriend. We ordered t-shirts in honor of the event and I can't wait to put it on and get on the open road. Adventure awaits. I can't think of a better way to celebrate the end of December and all the stress than this.

I need to slow my roll...

Holy crap! The month of December is going to be a whirlwind! I'm working three jobs. Yes, I said THREE jobs (for the next few weeks). After December it whittles down to two. Along with my part-time preschool gig and SAIT contract, I'm now taking some casual shifts back at the hospital. Working part-time these past few months has been great BUT...December equals Christmas and Christmas parties (tickets and outfits), and professional fees are due. Those fees alone are a chunk of change. And part-time doesn't cut it sista. So I suddenly feel like the single mom with 4 mouths to feed and in search of any job I can get my hands on.

It was fun being back at the hospital and I love going in 'after hours' when its quiet, the families of patients are visiting, and there's no work drama. Minus the feisty lady with dementia who told me to "get out, OUT!" and told the nurse I was driving her crazy...it was an easy go and lovely to be back working with adults and acute care. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to do some casual there.

The SAIT stuff is pretty big but I managed to get the logistics figured out and I'm armed with some good questions for my Monday meeting. I'm hoping once I start getting more 'on paper' (a.k.a. the computer), I'll feel less stressed and anxious about it.

Oh! And surgery number one out of two is booked! December 12th. Its just day surgery so I'm in and out the same day which is nice, but I still hate surgery. It scares me. But I'm telling myself its just like a dentist appointment, in and out with a little sedation (ok, general anasthesia but whatever). Then 6 months of office visits and back to surgery for the big finale, a boob! Just in time for summer.

That's the update.

Busy

Life suddenly got busy. I was working part-time and enjoying the free time but not the measly paycheques. It was worth it though for the rest, relaxation, and sanity. But I've also been sick and allowed to make up my sick days which means I went in to work today on what was supposed to be my day off. I can't complain though, working for the schools is fabulous (despite germy kids who make you sick +++)...3 weeks off at Christmas. Cha ching!

And more about busy...a job came up that I couldn't resist applying for. Curriculum development. WTF?! I know! That seems like such an 'adult' job and I can't believe I applied for it. A friend encouraged me and to be honest, I'm so glad she did. I was looking for work outside of the typical therapy world of SLP and I've also never really appreciated my own talents and ten+ years of expertise. So this feels like a big stepping stone for me. I'm excited but also sense the huge challenge ahead. The nicest part is that I can work from home or anywhere. AWESOME. Not that I would like that all the time, I love being in a work environment where there are other people, but this is a nice detour.

Tonight I'm heading to return a favor. A friend dropped off cookies at my door last week. Just because. So I made some pumpkin gobs which are now in the tin she loaned me and ready to be driven to her house tonight. People amaze me. I am so fortunate to have so many GENUINELY kind-hearted, go-out-of-your-way, compassionate, and conscientious friends in my life.

Then its back home to relax before another busy day of errands and thankfully, a short coffee date. I'm already looking forward to next weekend and its only MONDAY! LOL.

We are a lot of Indian...

These are the ending words of an email my sista in Winnipeg sent me a while back. I've been meaning to look back at that email because its so interesting, it lists several of our great grandmothers and their Indian status. I finally pulled it out tonight. Our 5th great grandmother Marie-Anne was Assiniboine, 6th great grandmother Marie was Sioux, another great grandmother Louise was Chipewyan Montaganaise, and another one named Josephte was Saulteaux. Closer down the lines is Cree which is a lot of our makeup too. Pretty cool. We are a lot of Indian.

Weekend Retreat

I'm heading to the hills with a friend for 4 days of relaxation and fun! Lots of good things planned like 2 hikes (going to the teahouse even though its now closed), the upper hot springs, yoga and Qi Gong, chick flicks, presecco, and whatever else we decide. I can't wait. My cold is officially gone so I'm in ship-shape (minus my chapped lip that the kids keep pointing to and saying "ow-ee"). I'm hoping there isn't too much snow on the teahouse hike, I'm bringing a thermos full of tea just in case. We thought about horse back riding on the trails but its a bit pricey and anyone who knows me, knows it would be close to a miracle to get me on the back of a horse again! The last time I was on a horse on those same trails was with my dad, and my 'gentle' horse took off from the group running for an open area before we even got started. Feckers. All of them. But I did enjoy the ride after that because its really quite 'beginner'. I always swore I'd be a great bull rider because I've had to hang on to crazy, ornery horses like that who bolt without a second's notice! Happy week-ending everyone.

Narcissism

I am just learning that I know 2 people who fit this profile like the DSM-IV was written about them! I've known their behaviors were frustrating, annoying, and suspected this was not your average person, and I'm not the only one...I just never dove in enough to find the label or the name for it. Well I did this week and it's called narcissism! I always thought that was such a 'Hollywood' kind of term and not really 'legit'. But when I read definitions and descriptions about it, wow! Does it ever fit! It is SO real! But, and here comes the but, as I search more for info about how to 'deal' with people like this, sadly, the outlook is dim. Not surprising when the key traits of narcissism are all about 'me me me'...these people don't realize or think they have a problem. And they get rage-y and uber defensive if confronted or questioned or challenged, even if done so in the gentlest of ways. Oh, and I know THAT from previous experience! Yikes. Their lack of empathy or consideration for others, and I mean authentically, not the put-on-a-good-show kind, made me furious in the past and lose respect. But...now that I am armed with info, I understand that it's a disorder and one that they will likely not get help for, so coping becomes key. Stroke the ego and frame things in a way that will make them feel like the superior being that they believe they are. All the time knowing yourself that this is just a way to manage your interaction with them in order to survive. I can do that. I've already learned by trial and error over the years to just be quiet and listen (not like they'd stop to ask about you anyway), limit your interactions, keep your expectations LOW, and most importantly, to not share anything personal or meaningful with them. It's a shame but it also comes down to survival. And I'm a survivor. Otherwise, you'll go crazy trying to form an actual TWO-WAY relationship with them, it won't happen unless it works for them. And as you can see, that defeats the purpose. Opportunistic. Anyway, I feel a weight lifted off of me just learning about this and having some coping skills in my interpersonal tool box. Relief! If you're interested, do a google search using the key word 'narcissism'...at the very least it's interesting stuff!

Thanksgiving blessings

This year, I am so thankful for all of these great connections and reconnections with people and friends that I've been experiencing lately. And its really just been happening over the past few weeks or months. I have begun a reconnection with a long time and DEAR friend and we plan to get together and do a yoga retreat in BC sometime soon. I have reconnected with 2 old friends via Facebook and I have been soaking up all of their positive words, support, and love. Incredible! And I have started another connection with a 'life coach' that I am excited about working with. He sent the most amazing email to me and I felt so GOOD after reading it. I have been amazed at how much I have NEEDED to be supported right now. I noticed it every time I received an email from any of these people, reading their words, and realizing the impact those words had on me, some bringing me to tears (of joy). I am so appreciative. And of course, I am always, always, always thankful for ALL of my friends and family. THANK YOU!

Pink flannel pajamas & aviators

Say a cheer for retail therapy and comfort! I have to admit that pink has not been my favorite color since breast cancer, but I'm starting to ease it back into my life. And I couldn't resist these fun, cheery, cozy PJs. I've been living in them since! I am the 'Queen of Comfort' and 'Lord of Lazybone Land'. Two very well known distinctions in my household and I take both jobs seriously. As for the aviators, well those are just pure fun. Flashback to the 70s and borderline cheeseball but still within the realm of allowable style. Living on the edge of fashion. Hell yeah. That's it, just had to report on the importance of cozyness...maybe you need a new pair of PJs? In fact, I'm going to throw my weight around and take advantage of my nobility...(horns sounding), "as Queen of Cozy and Lord of Lazybone Land, I order you to fulfill your duty of cozyness and go get some great PJs!" And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

"When you argue with reality, you lose-but only 100% of the time". ~Byron Katie

"Life is not a struggle; the only struggle is your resistance to allowing reality to be exactly what it is. Struggle would disappear if you would allow the comings and goings of life flow through you with the trust that everything that is happening to you is for your best interest, even if you can't see it right now. Allowing reality to be exactly as it is-this is the first step toward transformation." ~Jackson Kiddard

My problem is just this! These quotes speak to me today. I need to acknowledge my reality instead of trying to dress it up and disguise it. But my reality also feels like it changes daily, so how the heck am I supposed to recognize my real reality? And trust...yeesh. I am learning that I suck at trusting ME, MYSELF, and I. I definately need to start trusting my gut, my decisions, and the bigger player...the universe a whooole lot more. I know I need to do this, but the hard part is learning to act on it and know that everything will be OK. Hello? Waaaay easier said than done. I wish I could let the comings and goings of life "flow" through me, and trust (there's that word again) that its all meant to be. I should recognize and own my reality, make decisions on it, trust, and keep moving. Sounds so simple! NOT for me. I need to channel my inner CEO or something...maybe Donald Trump...and start taking names! I think deep down that I believe that my decisions aren't worthy or OK, as crazy or reckless or smart as they might be. I mean, people screw up every day, they make good and bad decisions, and they end up being OK. They have some big balls if you ask me. I'm totally scared to make decisions based on what others will think or how others will feel, for the sake of them and not me. This is totally locked in my brain and its a bitch to shake it off. I think I don't trust that I'm making the right decisions and I fear regret or losing something, or being judged. Deep down I know there's no 'right' or 'wrong'...but, but, but. Aaaagh.

OMG!

I just baked the most amazing cookies! Don't tell my other blog (the goal for the next 3 weeks is healthful eating). If you like pumpkin and cream cheese filling, then you'll love these cookies. Perfect fall recipe which I will post below (warning, take them to work or give them away!):

PUMPKIN GOBS

Cream Cheese Icing:

-1 (250g) package brick cream cheese (I used light), softened

-1/4 C butter, melted

-2 C icing sugar

-1 tsp lemon juice

Cookies:

-1/2 C butter, softened

-1 C granulated sugar

-1 1/2 C solid pack pumpkin puree (I used the canned stuff)

-1 egg

-1 tsp vanilla extract

-2 C all-purpose flour

-1 tsp baking soda

-1 tsp baking powder
-1 tsp ground cinnamon

-1/2 tsp salt

1. Beat cream cheese and 1/4 C melted butter in large bowl with electric mixer until well blended (I stirred mine by hand in case you don't have a mixer). Gradually add icing sugar and lemon juice, beat until well blended after each addition. Refigerate until cold.

2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Farenheit. Line baking sheets with parchment paper.

3. Cream 1/2 C butter with granulated sugar. Beat in pumpkin, egg, and vanilla.

4. In a separate bowl, whisk flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, and salt. Stir into pumpkin mixture until combined.

5. Drop heaping tablespoons of dough onto the prepared baking sheets, flattening tops slightly. Make about 40 blobs of dough (which will equal 20 cookies when done...I managed to make 14 total).

6. Bake 12-14 minutes or until golden underneath. Let cookies cool completely on rack.

7. Sandwich 2 cookies together with cream cheese icing.

YUM YUM YUM!!!!

Looking good...

I had my annual mammogram and boob ultrasound yesterday. Always makes my nerves feel like live wires and my stomach like a whirlpool of nausea. I got a very nice tech for both procedures and highly recommend CML Healthcare. The northeast location is somewhat updated but a little rough around the edges (there is a south location which might be even more updated). But service is top notch. Wasn't sure how the mammogram went as the tech did some 'extra' procedures and kept pointing out how "dense" my breasts are because of the fact that the machine hums a little longer than normal with every image it takes. When she led me back to the change area to sit and wait, she reached out and squeezed my shoulder and gave me a very sincere send off. To the average person, this is really sweet and thoughtful. To a cancer survivor, this is "OMG, she saw something"! 30 minutes later with too much time to think (but I felt calm and at peace), I was led to the ultrasound room. Seemed to be pretty typical, lots of stopping with the wand and a million clicks on the computer, entering measurements. Its kind of reassuring when they stop in the same areas as before, you begin to know where your bumpy bits are after doing this every year. I would have been scared if she had stopped at any new areas though. Even worse, is when the tech calls in the radiologist. Red flag! But not this time. He was called in but looked very unconcerned and told me I just had cysts. The tech told me he was VERY experienced (the grey hair gave it away) and nice. A rare combo for a rad, trust me! I've worked with a ton of them. Anyway. The tech was also open enough to say she didn't see anything in a new area that my Dr. and I were both concerned about. I thank the tech for that big time! She was just being uber cautious because of my history and wasn't afraid to give me info. AND, she told me that the rad would have talked to me more if he was concerned. Yay for me! Another year cancer free!

A lovely weekend in the mountains

I am loving the extra time I'm able to spend in the mountains. If I could buy a place here or a cabin on or near a lake, I would! And I'd find a way to make a living wherever that might be so I could live there versus just 'vacation'. Maybe that'll be part of my 'sunshine project' (http://www.pourmesomesunshine.blogspot.com/) ...when I start sketching out my dreams and goals. I managed to fit most everything in this weekend...yoga class, a hot bath, walks with Kiva, a trip to Banff, dinner with friends, and Chinese food from Famous Chinese Restaurant. Oh, and lunch at the Rocky Mtn. Bagel Co., Beamer's coffee and breakfast wrap, and a peek in my favorite bookstore on Main. Now just sitting with a glass of champagne and some relaxing music. I also discovered that if you put a teaspoon (handle end down) into the bottle of champagne, it makes the bubbles last to at least the next day. I love google. Lovely, lovely, lovely weekend.

Its that time of year again...

Annual check up...the boob ultrasound and mammogram kind. And labs. Cancer follow-up. Lab tests are tomorrow (I am trying hard to remember NOT to drink or eat anything...fasting lab work). The ultrasound and mammogram are next week. That's the one that makes me the most scared. This time around I have some concern so its going to be a bit tougher than normal. The hope is that they don't call in the radiologist. That often means something more serious is going on. Spending the weekend out of town which will be nice and relaxing. Good prep for next week.

The Sunshine Project

Check out and follow my new blog...
www.pourmesomesunshine.blogspot.com
Unfortunately, all the short web addresses with 'sunshine' in them were taken! Aaagh! After what seemed to be a million trys at every web address possible, this is the best I could do. Reader beware, my future posts on this new blog will be all roses and sunshine. The first post however, isn't as bright as the rest will be but I had to explain where I'm coming from in order to get where I'm going. I could use ANY encouragment/cheerleaders/sages/etc...so please follow and support me.

Let's talk Layton

I just got a free magazine in the mail called 'Glow'. I'm not sure why I got it but it looks like its distributed by Shopper's Drug Mart. But Lord knows I've bought a ton of funky colored nail polishes to put me on the mailing list! (Its my latest addicition. I actually just bought another one tonight!). Anyway, back to my point. I flipped through the magazine and found an article written by a 29 year old breast cancer survivor and learned about a new website for the young cancer crowd. Which then led me to her personal blog (gotta love the name of it...'bumpy boobs'). One of her posts was about Jack Layton, the Canadian politician who was recently diagnosed with cancer twice and who we sadly just lost to cancer. What I liked about her blog post was that she addressed the fear that I'm sure every cancer survivor feels when they hear about someone who just died of cancer. Especially when its all over the news each and every day. When I heard the news my stomach felt sick with sadness for Jack and his family...but I also felt a deep, hard hitting fear in my belly. He was so positive, he was so brave, he was so determined, he fought hard. I didn't even think to acknowledge my fear. I just felt it and then stuffed it down. That scary reminder that I had cancer and this could have been me. I knew I was a little obsessed about watching the news, hearing his story, posting my tributes on Facebook. All authentic. Definately. But masked behind it was the fear too. So, thank you bumpy boob blogger for helping me acknowledge my fear and for letting me know that someone else felt it too. Its OK to feel the fear and its honest. But even more than this, I was so, so, SO grateful to learn that Jack Layton worte a 'letter to Canadians'. This blogger shared some of his words which I MUST share with you. During his last months or days, Jack Layton had the kindness, strength, thoughtfulness, and absolute selflessness to continue to pass on hope to anyone with (or without) cancer. I know he wasn't top of the politician list for many Canadians when it came to voting, but this guy has become one of my heroes. Here's the part of the letter I read today. As bumpy boob bloggers says, "its touching, and its for us"...

"To other Canadians who are on journeys to defeat cancer and live their lives, I say this: please don't be discouraged that my own journey hasn't gone as well as I'd hoped. You must not lose your own hope. Treatments and therapies have never been better in the face of this disease. You have every reason to be optimisitic, determined, and focused on the future. My only other advice is to cherish every moment with those you love at every stage of your journey, as I have done this summer."

I'm still feeling such amazement about how incredibly thoughtful Jack was to continue to inspire hope when his had likely run out. Right to the end. I think all Canadians saw the real Jack for the first time this year and actually heard what he was all about. Including me. I had no idea. Here's to you Jack. Here's to you. Your light shines on.

I love country music

And I loves me some Scotty McHotty! Aka Scotty McCreery. I'm addicted to American Idol and this kid won last season. I love his voice. He's got a new single coming out tomorrow. Along with my FAVORITE country singer of all time, George Strait whose new album is coming out soon too. Can't wait to buy both actually. Just thought I'd spread the country love. Keep your ears out for Scotty's new single on the radio tomorrow and have a listen. And listen for George's new song "Here for a Good Time" which is my new theme song for life!

Back on Canadian Soil

Made it home last night and unpacked the UHaul trailer today. 4 days of travel. Its beautiful weather here...so cool and so green, a nice change from the desert sun and heat and shrubs (which I love equally). Uneventful trip including the border crossing. Always a good thing. Took a detour through Kalispell this time which was a good change of scenery. I know those roads far too well. Man, is it ever beautiful in that area. When I make or win my millions, I see a Montana cabin on the lake in my future. The Holiday Inn Express in Kalispell is a gem of a hotel if you ever need to make a stop in town. Thankfully, in Glacier National Park, we were not allowed to take 'the road to the sun' with the trailer like our GPS instructed. Made a u-turn at the gate which made me very happy! I'm not a fan of extreme mountain roads with severe drop offs. I've unpacked the UHaul and now that I have cooled off, I'm going to go drop it off and tootle around Cowtown. Get reacquainted.

08/18/2008

August 18, 2008. 3 years to the day. This is the waiting room I was waiting in for 45 minutes just to get into an exam room to wait even more. It was about 1:00 pm. I drove from work. My primary physician was away for 2 weeks and I was awaiting results on my core biopsy and I couldn't wait 2 weeks. Looking at the date, I'm starting to think that 8 isn't my lucky number. Or is it the opposite?

So we wait together in the waiting room, then get sent to an exam room. After waiting in there for about 20 more minutes (can you imagine the agony waiting for THESE kind of results?), the nurse comes in, our hearts literally stop beating, and she tells us that the fax machine isn't work working. (insert a brief sigh of relief and then more stress here). She tells us to stay put, that they're going to try a different fax machine. We compose ourselves again and put our brave faces back on. Tick tock, tick tock, another 20-30 minutes go by. The door opens again. Our hearts stop again. I swear you could hear our last gasp. It's the nurse. Fax #2 isn't working either. Seriously???!!! We've been waiting over an hour and a half in the worst kind of way imaginable. I have never felt such a sick feeling of worry in my stomach before.

So, we're told to go home, come back tomorrow because the clinic will courier the report over in the morning. The staff reassure us that we will bypass any waiting at this point after all the waiting we did that day. Minor consolation.

We drive home. As soon as we get home, there is a phone message. The clinic got the report and wants us to drive back to the clinic THAT day. So we do. Barely in the house, keys dangling from the front door, we walk right back outside, down the front steps, and get back in the car. I know now that this is NOT a good sign and my gut, which has been feeling like something is wrong for days, knows deep down that it's not looking good. We get to the clinic, they take us back to an exam room immediately and soon after, a nice female doctor comes in and sits down. We sit in silence and stare. I'm more worried about P because he looks worse than I do.

"Sorry guys", says the nice female doctor, my heart sinks, and then she continues to say, "it's cancer". P looks like he's in shock, stunned by a taser and terrified. I am not surprised at what I hear but I can't say that there wasn't just a little bit of hope that I might get the 'all clear'. I don't remember all of my thoughts but I do remember composing myself enough and literally FORCING myself to ask THE scariest question you'll ever ask in your life (which I hope you never have to). "What is my prognosis?" I knew I had to ask but I did not want to hear the answer for fear that it would mean the end of me right then and there. THANKFULLY, the doctor brightened up and said, "oh, really good"! she rattled off some good statistics and started to outline the process from that day forward...tests...surgery...

From there began a whirlwind of tests to find out what stage the cancer was at, was it aggressive (herceptin +) or not, was it ER/PR positive (hormones), did it spread to my lymph nodes...that last question you don't find out the answer to until AFTER surgery. The agony of waiting each week for each answer was debilitating. Not all answers come the same week, they come one by one, week by week. The fear I felt inside, my life flashing before me, planning my funeral, imagining life ending and not being here anymore, imagining everyone left behind, have I been living the life I have imagined...SICK with worry is the best way to describe it. But, 3 days after diagnosis, we still held true to our camping trip in BC and rolled out the Boler and headed down the highway.

Being in Kelowna was harder for P, imagining all my years there as a carefree little girl and the unfairness that today that same girl has cancer. I enjoyed being in nature in a place that always fills me with the best feeling and warmest memories. Minus the sleepless nights when my mind had time to think and worry about dying.

To make a long story short...things happened fast. I had surgery 2 weeks after diagnosis. The cancer was barely stage 2 (2a they called it) in 2 different places. I had two kinds, DCIS and invasive ductal carcinoma. It wasn't HER+ (meaning not aggressive) and it was a common and treatble kind. It didn't spread to my lymph nodes. My surgeon was Dr. Steve Martin which makes me laugh and he did an awesome job. Even came into the recovery room to tell me that it didn't spread to the lymph nodes. So, despite a shitty diagnosis, the aces were in my corner on most everything else in terms of cancer.

Its been a long, hard 3 years of initial rehab (physical) and emotional ups and downs. I cheer every time I raise my arms above my head (couldn't lift them past my waist after surgery). I cheer every time I walk up a full flight of stairs without having to stop like an old woman to catch my breath like I had to after my months of chemo. I no longer plan my funeral and I have worked hard at making life changes that will set me up for success. I don't worry AS much that every little ache and pain in my body is cancer but I'd be lying if I didn't say I still do now and then. And I don't sweat the small stuff.

But it was my friends and family that were the strongest medicine. And I survived chemo and radiation which were back up fighters in my opinion. I am blessed and grateful for the life I have led and the life I have left to live. But mostly for the people in my life who were there for me and got me through.

Advice from a cancer SURVIVOR: Be good to those around you. Show up and be there. Live life and don't hold back or put off dreams for tomorrow. Just don't. Live in the NOW. Don't worry about how much you weigh, what you look like, or material things and money. Enjoy every breath, every moment, everyone, and every day. Do it for the people who never made it even this far.

Happy birthday to me! Get out there this October and run or walk for breast cancer. Help a girl out.

Weekend update

I got the job at Heartland and now just need to decide if I'm going to take it. I'm working on another idea as well which has me EXCITED. Still loving it here in NM. Need to get to Chimayo and check out the new Ranch restaurant post fire and the church. That and a weekend at Tamaya are on the upcoming agenda. Spent the weekend eating, outside in the sun (muy caliente!), and doing my P90X. Only 3-4 weeks into it but feeling stronger for sure. Its nice to be able to do it daily like you're supposed to. When I first tried P90X last year, thanks to the prolonged effects of chemo, I was getting heart palpitations and had to ease off. I'd wake up with tachycardia (and I'm talking RACING pulse people!) and almost headed to the ER a few times. Small triumphs. Life is good.

I'm not a wino...

I'm a champagne-o! I love champagne. I don't like like it, I LOVE it. And up until this year, I've allowed myself to drink champagne ONLY on special occasions. Which means twice a year or maaaaybe a few more. On Christmas and at birthdays or weddings. That's the rule. Where did I learn THAT?! I'm not a big drinker but if truth be told, I did start drinking the stuff in my toddler years (remember Baby Duck?). Apparently I was born with a taste for the "bubbly". And I deny myself by rationing out a few measly glasses a year. What the funk? I welcomed in my 40th year with a bottle of what is to me, liquid crack and suddenly a light bulb went on, "I think I can drink this...whenever I WANT to"! And I have been! My first post birthday drink was when I ordered a glass of champagne in a local hotel bar. I noticed that my friend had already ordered a glass for hersef when I arrived. Are my eyes deceiving me? Validation! This meant I could do it too! I totally felt like I was breaking a cardinal rule or worse, the law! It was barely midday in the middle of summer for crying out loud and it wasn't Christmas...I wasn't celebrating a birthday or at a wedding. What will people think?! I imagined the looks and stares I was about to get. I'm such a rebel! But the server didn't even flinch. No disapproving glances or heckles from the bar crowd. Cha-ching! Nobody cares! I'm out of the closet! (insert happy dance here). Let me share another little piece of golden wisdom for you fellow, closet champagne drinkers. One word. 'Prosecco' (a.k.a. champagne deemed 'sparkling wine' only because it lacks the being-grown-in-the-champagne-region factor). Point is, in the early days (which was really just a few weeks ago) it made me feel better ordering it because it didn't sound so fancy schmancy and celebratory. A good starter decoy if you're laying low and still too timid to go balls out and order "champagne". Plus, it tastes delicious. I got over the self consciousness of ordering actual champagne pretty fast though and I risk my reputation regularly. I order either one fearlessly now. That's right people, FEARLESSLY. I'm loud and I'm proud! I drink champagne on any given occasion! We exist! Best revelation of the year so far. Cheers!

Treating myself...

to a weekend in Santa Fe. I should do this more often! Inspired by my brilliant friend Maria who does this sort of thing at Tamaya Resort now and then. One decadent night at the El Dorado Hotel, a long stroll on the plaza (busy weekend because the Spanish Market is happening), dinner at La Casa Sena (La Cantina...fun dinner show), and a massage tomorrow with Navajo herbs blended by a medicine woman. Maybe a bite at the Cowgirl Cafe before heading back to ABQ tomorrow as well. Best idea ever. I love Santa Fe.

I am blessed

I received THE nicest birthday card ever from a long time and dear friend. I have never, NEVER had someone write such beautiful words about me. It literally took my breath away. It was amazing to read these words. I feel like the most blessed person in the world. Powerful. I am honored to have her as a friend (and always have been) and look forward to rekindling the friendship over our next 40 years. Thank you Sarah...my fellow kick-ass-ass-kickin'-road-trippin'-fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants-Gemini-prairie-eyed-futant! "I like you a-lot" (it wouldn't be a proper post without a Dumb and Dumber quote!). Here's to more years ahead of adventure (that goes without saying) and love and laughter that only the two of us can share. I think its high time I get myself out to the coast, don't you?

Best...Weekend...EVER!

I loved my Emergency! weekend in L.A. county!!!! Seriously, I have no idea why being a crazy fan and hanging out at a 70s TV show event was so incredible but it was. It was just so much fun. The drive was long but I loved touring through new towns I hadn't seen, eating road trip food, and just feeling the freedom that a road trip brings with it. I was so excited and worked up by the time I got to Carson, CA. We immediately drove to the station house (Station 127 in real life) and to UCLA Harbor General Hospital (aka "Rampart"). I was doing a happy dance in front of the station. Waiting for the next day (event day) was like waiting for Christmas!!!! The security guys at the hospital thought I was a nut job bringing my camera in with me and they made me put it in the car before entering the hospital. I've learned that the outside of the hospital is probably all that they used for filming but it was still cool to wander through it. And we lucked out on event day. They expected maybe 1,000 people and there were about 3-4 times that many! We decided to walk to the event which was a blessing in disguise. We managed to get right in front of the station in the event area and watched everyone else who took the shuttle wait in a big line. They weren't allowed near the fire station until after the unveiling of the fire engine and squad car. But I was right there! Which meant I got to see it all up close and take great photos before the area and vehicles were swarmed with fans. AND the best part? We got into the line for souvenirs early without knowing that Randolph Mantooth and Mike Stoker were at the end signing autographs. We only waited about 20 minutes and everyone else had to wait 3 HOURS in line. The line up didn't stop until 4:00 when the place shut down. But these guys were true to their fans and didn't leave until everyone had their autographs. The pool mixer was OK, met a great guy (ex state trooper of 26 years from S.C.) who hooked me up with a great book (a must buy for any fan) AND told us that the squad was driven to the hotel and IN the hotel. He directed us to a set of double doors and I nearly peed my pants. More up close and personal time with the squad car and the event guy even let me close to it and use the biophone that was used on the show. We sat and watched DVDs of the show on big screen in the same room as the squad and drank champagne. GREAT day. My only regret is that I didn't pay the $60 and write in about being the biggest fan. There were only 13 people who did and because there were so few...they all got a special plaque and driven in engine 51. The biggest fan (proudly from St. Albert, Alberta and fellow Canadian) won a Station 51 fireman hat and ride in the squad car! I figured I'd never win but should have tried anyway, dang it. That was my only sore point. The money goes to a good cause, restoration of engine 51. We toured the L.A. County Fire Museum the next day which was cool. I think we left that too early and missed more fan rides in the SQUAD but I'm blocking that out of my mind. Aaaagh...I would have LOVED that). But it was still the best weekend ever. THE BEST!!!!

Making dreams come true...

OK, some might not consider traveling miles and miles to meet some actors from a 1970s TV show a dream, but I do. Are you kidding me?! I am SO excited that this weekend is finally here! I've been counting down for months and months, planning, and sometimes panicking that I'd forget (seriously? I know.). I packed my suitcase tonight and made DOUBLE sure that my photo of "Johnny and Roy" is packed and packed SAFELY. I bet my friend Kelly never knew that when she gave me that photo for my birthday, that it would go any further than on my office cubicle. And now it's traveling with me to California to get signed by Randolph Mantooth (aka PM Firefighter "Johnny Gage"), YOW!!!! I'm actually excited that I chose to drive there versus fly. I get to go through two NM towns that I haven't seen in all my years here and Flagstaff, AZ. I've always wanted to go there. I'm booked in at the recommended 'host' hotel along with many other crazy Emergency! fans like me I'm sure. The main event is Saturday, including a poolside mixer (that just sounds fun already!) in the evening. Just think, I'll get to mingle with other dorky fans like myself after spending a day seeing the actual fire station and trucks, and meeting some of the actors. I loved Johnny Gage and although he's much older now (let's face it, so am I!), he's still that cute, quircky paramedic from 1970-something that I loved to watch each week. I can't wait to see what all of the other fans are like...is it going to be nutty or normal? I imagine there will be a lot of healthcare people who were inspired to become a firefighter, paramedic, MD, nurse, etc. because of the show. I didn't realize that firefighter/paramedics still exist but I keep seeing them here in town (see the photo up top). How cool! I just assumed they were two separate professions now. Nope. Stay tuned for photos and updates!

So long AHS...

It doesn't feel real yet but I finally did what I should have done a long time ago (but wasn't ready to)...I actually resigned from AHS. I wrote and emailed my letter of resignation tonight so my manager has it first thing tomorrow morning. I have to admit, I was a bit nervous and hesitant to hit the 'send' button. My stomach was in my throat. Looks like my 3 month LOA is now long term. But I say cheers to the freedom from the clutches of AHS! I tell ya, I'm in New Mexico, the place they deem "the land of entrapment" because once you're here you never want to leave. Even when you do leave, you keep coming back. AHS was another land of entrapment, only polar opposite. You WANT to leave and NEVER come back but it sucks you in. A swirling drain of low morale, negativity, and stagnancy. Of course, that's just MY opinion. Its not where I belong or belonged. But I loved the work and my patients, and AHS was the only way to have that. And I really need to be GRATEFUL for everything positive that came from working there for over 7 years. Knowledge, growth, experience, memories, and some good people. And I AM grateful for all of that. I've done a lot of soul searching these past 3 months and I feel like the more I try to search for answers, the less they come. But when it came to imagining myself returning to work at AHS one more time, it was like I hit a wall and froze, feet stuck in quicksand. I just couldn't push myself past it. My internal radar was screaming, "danger, danger park ranger!". My gut KNEW it was not the right thing to do. And I am listening. Finally, I am listening. Its time to force myself out of my comfort zone, search for new opportunities, and chart a new course. When I really think about it, it feels refreshing to be honest. Like a jumping-into-a-swimming-pool-on-a-hot-day-and-coming-up-out-of-the-water refreshed. Tomorrow is a brand new day. I am free. It feels good. And I am learning to trust that things are going to be OK without AHS.

Love this new song...

by George Strait. Yes, I am still a hardcore fan and was so happy to hear this new one on the radio yesterday. It was love at first listen. Thought I'd share it with you, its a great song to live by and a great one to start your weekend with. As my sweet little German patient would say, "prost!" (a.k.a. salut, cheers). Enjoy!

http://kicks105.com/george-straits-here-for-a-good-time-new-song-spotlight-audio/

Next stop, California!

I am actually MORE excited about going to California for the Emergency! event in July than I was for my 40th birthday in Las Vegas. How hilarious is that?! My birthday was spectacular though. Small, quaint, and lived like a rockstar. The restaurant (Simon at The Palms) was gorgeous, very Palm-Springs-retro feel to it and delicious champagne and Bellini's. I'm a sucker for champagne. We glammed up and took a limo to and from the restaurant. It was a decadent night. The whole trip was fast and furious. We managed to get pool time, play the slots, eat at a few great restaurants, see the casinos, hang out downtown (Fremont Street), and of course shop at the outlet mall. Oh, and we rode on a float 30 feet above a casino with some pretty hot dancers. Hello 40! Next stop is Carson, CA baby. I'm a geek but so excited about seeing station 51, squad 51, the fire engine, and meeting some of the cast of Emergency! Johnny Gage (Randolph Mantooth) especially. He may be 30 years older but I still think its cool to meet a TV star from the 70s! And to get to see the whole place it was filmed at. Seriously, I do a happy dance whenever I think about it. I booked the hotel tonight, yow! Its been a great summer. Still need to come up with a plan for my future...I'm pretty happy where I'm at right now so its tough. Where's that crystal ball?

3 days until Vegas

Friday I will be on a plane to Las Veeeeeeegas! I arrive early enough in the morning to get to the hotel in plenty of time to spend the day at the pool. Forecast says the weather should be in the 90s, NICE. The rest of the weekend will be a blur of eating, shopping, and tootling the streets of Vegas, both the strip and Fremont Street. I bought a new brown dress and some gold, sparkly, strappy shoes that should help me celebrate turning 40 in classic hip and not old lady style (I'm hoping). I did make the mistake of getting my haircut in these days before my birthday. If I was back home it would have been fine, Tam my hair guy is AMAZING. However, I am here. And I took a risk. I now look like a cross between Pat Benetar, Justing Beiber, and a soccer mom. And I set myself back, way back, in the growing-my-hair-out department. I was SO close to breaking past the awkward stage and now...its back to short and choppy layers. I've already figured a way past the Beiber swoosh the hair stylist sent me home with. But I'm still struggling to make this hairdo seem feminine and pretty. Ugh. At least its not green right? Tomorrow I venture back to the same salon, only this time, for Rockstar toenails. I know! I hadn't heard of them either. They are colorful, sparkly, blingy, and last 2 months or longer! What more could a girl ask for? Gorgeous! Packing tomorrow or Thursday, and I'm all set and ready for my birthday weekend in Sin City. 40. Bring it.

Weekend in Durango

It was FANTASTIC. There's nothing like seeing old friends and spending a weekend with them in their beautiful mountain town. (I used to not like Durango very much but have come to LOVE it and could see myself living there one day). Love their new house way out on county roads where you go to sleep in total silence and wake up surrounded by forest and deer (and their 3 dogs and 3 cats). The laughter all weekend was much needed, leave it roasting smores under millions of stars to get the laughs going (oh, and Glen from Oklahoma cracking jokes with his Jeff Foxworthy accent, a small grease fire on the BBQ...). I am also so appreciative of my birthday massage and lunch at Cypress, yum! Thank you "Keely". The weather was gorgeous and it was cool to see the Iron Horse event going on. It sounds impossible but was kind of intriguing to me...I might have to look into it...but I think its too tough for me! It was inspiring at the very least. And I got to go into my favorite store and bought some pottery (6 thumb mugs) from Mark Jaramillo. I love his stuff and it just has a good vibe and is affordable. Oh, and another great part of the weekend was going to Navajo Lake and taking a test drive on the motor boat that Kelly, Griz, and Chris bought. It was wet, bumpy, and windy but we had a great time. I am loving all the friend time, and activities I am getting to do while out this way...much needed and its a reminder that I am happy and can enjoy life. Can't say that's how I felt when I was back home. Next stop...Vegas.

Upcoming Events

I'm spending my 40th birthday in Las Vegas and I'm really starting to look forward to it now.

My friend sent out an invite to my family and friends asking them to join us but...due to my procrastination, by the time I got the guest list to my friend, it was kind of short notice that most people already have plans that they can't get out of. I was kind of disheartened to be honest, you secretly hope that everyone will want to give up their plans for YOU. I mean, I survived cancer, I might not have been here, come on people! How is that for unrealistic expectations?! Ha ha. I get it, but a girl can still dream and be delusional right?

It DOES make me realize that I want to continue to be a person who does do that for people though...show up and be there to mark important milestones and events. After cancer, I realize the importance of 'being there' even more. This is a good reminder to keep that as an important goal for myself.

So, the celebration will be intimate (which is actually more my style anyway). We've been trying to come up with fun 'things to do'...so far dinner at a sexy restaurant and shopping are on the A-list. But today I discovered this totally FUN thing to do in Vegas and we are SO going to do it! There's a show at one of the hotels and you can be IN it. They dress you up in Brazilian Carnivale costumes and put you in the show. How fun is THAT?! I don't think there's a better way to enter my 40's than that! I get the sense that we might be high in the air though and I'm not so great with heights (actually, I'm terrified!). But, I'm going balls out and doing it anyway.

So that's the Vegas planning in a nutshell.

I'm going to start Zumba classes again here this week too. I'm finding that as I am getting back into running (run/walk) and cycling short distances, that its not really burning the calories yet. I need something harder to kick my butt a few days a week and burn calories (and those freakin' addictive pretzel m&ms I keep eating!). Got to get my skinny on. I'm looking at taking classes at a place called "Salsa Baby" but I fear that I might be in a class with a bunch of good dancers. I have a call in to the studio to make sure that its for all levels. And, get this, they have hip hop classes. I 'm working up the nerve to try a beginner class. I really want to try it but its WAY outside of my comfort zone so I'll be digging deep to get myself there. I WILL get there though, even if its for one class and I never go back, ha ha.

Well my lovelies, that's all for tonight. Live long and prosper. (Where did that come from?! I'm not a trekky).

End of the world...

Life Is Good

It really is. These past few months (which have gone by so fast!) have been just what I've needed. I'm still 'under construction' or more like under re-construction, but I feel a whole lot better about life, and myself aleady. I am so fortunate to have this time away for myself, to be surrounded by a place I love and friends, and people who are helping to guide my path, especially the honest ones. Those who tell me what I may not always want to hear but tell me like they see it so I can make insightful choices. Not quite Simon Cowell but just as honest. I SO appreciate it. I need that view of things to see what's really happening, to see what others see, the real picture. And from there, I forge my own path using that knowledge and mine.

I feel like I'm starting to gain ME back and the STRENGTH to put my dreams forward instead of behind someone else's. Still scary though, let's be honest, I don't have the balls quite yet! I'm not coming from anything horrible, just a life where my dreams didn't all come true and at the edge of turning 40...its a little disheartening and an awakening to say the least. Why was I so naive that I didn't know or realize that I should have pushed to make things happen sooner? Marriage, kids, etc. It has always been my dream. WTF? At the same time, I have so many blessings and riches in my life and have been lucky in that, and I'm grateful.

I realize that life is messy and I need to stop focusing on what is 'right' and have faith to step onto a path that feels right and trust that my dreams will come true. Even at 40. I still don't have the nerve to choose the same path and make it different or to choose a brand new path...but I'm definately getting closer. And that's miles further from where I was.

I want to thank Laura who has been popping by to read my blog posts. I appreciate your support and read your website when you direct me to it. THANK YOU. Such a nice surprise.

On to less heavy chit chat...its the weekend and I plan to relax, shop for a 40th birthday dress, and choose the restaurant in Las Vegas to celebrate 40 (that's Las Vegas, Nevada by the way and not Las Vegas, New Mexico...did you know there's a Las Vegas, NM? Also a Miami, NM). Anyway, I'm trying to find a not-overly-pricey restaurant, but still swanky where I'll feel like its a real big deal. And I have a funny story to tell you about work at the long term care center but I'll save it for later...have to get my day started.

Happy weekend everyone!

Mayo ("My-oh")

May in Albuquerque is windy. Temperatures aren't quite in the 'hot' range yet but its still warm and sunny, good for the spirit. I'm getting anxious to get some color on my skin though. Low key weekend planned...get a new and larger backpack (so I can store more stuff when I ride my bike), I'm thinking I'll check out REI. Tonight I head to my first Central NM Ghosthunters meeting at the IHOP (only in NM right?), and then a nice walk with a friend tomorrow afternoon and maybe perch ourselves on a patio for happy hour. I've been doing some easy cycling and even started walk/running. I find I am coming out of my shell here and living again.

My mind has been filling and filling with business ideas...there is something inside me waiting to come out and create but I just haven't quite found the 'aha' moment or business plan. A million thoughts and ideas but how do I nail it down to the perfect thing? Not quite there yet but its emerging. There is this ball of creation inside of me wanting to explode out. I have something inside of me that I need to do but I don't know what it is yet. I dream of creating a job I am proud of, love, and makes me enough money so I can at least buy a little shack or house in New Mexico or Hawaii...somewhere to retreat to with warmth and relaxation. A job that I create.

I am loving reconnecting with my friends here in NM, such a great group of girls and makes me feel very normal. All of our lives are crazy and not what we expected to be coming on 40 years old. I think I could cope with the trials of life with these women within reach every day. Plus the NM sunshine and vibe. Its been good to get a dose of friendship and NM. Needed that very much thank you! I'm rambling...too many thoughts flowing today that I'm not sure I want to share or at the very least, this will continue on as a big ramble.

Fueled by a green smoothie and Rio Grande coffee...its now time to shower and head over to REI and then perhaps sit in the lovely ABQ sunshine.

Living La Vida Loca

I'm laughing as I write this...since being here it seems like life is opening up to me. I'm loving it and also confused by it. Is this the life I'm meant to live? You'll laugh too...but seriously, the little quicky things I've always wanted to do are coming to me without really trying. I found a trail running group for slow runners through the meetup website and I'm going to try them out this Saturday. And then (here's the funny part), I found a meetup group for Central NM Ghosthunters without even looking for it! I'm addicted to the paranormal TV shows and always wish I could just TRY going on a ghost hunt for the sheer fun of it (and that fun feeling of being so scared and later laughing at yourself). I'm loving everything that is coming at me here, and of course the sunshine and warm weather (still very windy though). I've been on my bike 2 times already and plan to do short rides all week on my own. A walk for Breast Cancer on Sunday morning and life is good. I feel so happy and alive...just simple things happening but they are making such a difference in my life. Thank you universe for taking me down this road. I'm enjoying every minute of it.

Home Sweet Second Home

There's nothing like a weekend in Santa Fe that includes walking around and checking out the shops and vendors at the Plaza (in the warm sunshine and under the big blue sky), spending an evening at Ten Thousand Waves in the hot baths, checking out the Farmer's Market, and eating at the Cowgirl Cafe. The timing of lunch was perfect because we caught a live band playing outside at the cafe and had a listen. I love the Santa Fe Hemp store for all the bumper stickers and organic clothing...I splurged this visit and bought a fun summer-ish mint green dress. Comfy, comfy. I can never get enough of that town! Seriously, I don't know what it is but being in Santa Fe feels like my nirvanna. NIRVANNA! The whole feel of it, the creativity that surrounds you, the architecture, the food, the people, the whackyness of it. Like the guy playing his keyboard on the street which was propped up on an ironing board. Such a great weekend away. Truly my second home...we are connected.

Weekend

Its been WINDY here...but that's spring in NM. I made the mistake of going for a walk at the Petroglyph National Monument last weekend in the wind and was pelted with sheets of sand and dust. Apparently I'm no longer a NM 'local' ha ha. I should have known better. Red flag number 1...nobody else was there and the trail was rated as 'high traffic' in my guide book. My bike is back from the shop and ready to ride! I've always wanted to check out the bike shop I took it to, all these years in ABQ. GREAT guy and definately out to make it the best experience for the customer. I plan to start riding tomorrow, just around town, nothing major. Gotta get my bike gear ready tonight. I also stumbled across a Lululemon store! Its actually a smaller store, I can't remember what they call it, but its a demo type store...to see if Lulu takes off here. The bonus is free yoga classes Thursday nights. Sign me up. I was so excited to see it. The weekend has been pretty relaxed, just hanging out. Enjoying the time here and wondering what is next on my future path. I'm not feeling so scattered or questioning why I'm doing this as much as I was, but I still have butterflies in my stomach sometimes. I'm really trying to just throw all expectation to the wind and see where the road leads on this journey. Time to hit Whole Foods and get groceries for the week. And time to stop eating NM food (aka sopaipillas, burritos, green chile...) and get back to the Crazy Sexy diet. I have been sticking with the green smoothies for breakfast and lunches have been reasonable. Dinners...disasterous but delicious!

Plans

I'm taking my bike in for a tune-up this weekend so I can be ready to ride. Plan to start next week, weather is freakin' HOT here and gorgeous. Still need to check out a local yoga studio that looks cool too. And I need to stay focused on a workbook I committed to finish completey by the time my LOA is up. It makes me go deep. Takes time. Can't rush it. I'm taking advantage of this time off in every way. Its so great. Adobes and sunshine. What more does a girl need?

Do I smell freedom???

As my friend would say, "hell to the YES"! It's day 2 off from work and man does it feel GOOD. I love being an SLP and I love working in acute care with critically ill adults. LOVE IT. But...what I don't like is working for Alberta Health Services (AHS). It's a sinking ship my friends. Actually, its already sunk.

Patients, whether they know it or not, are not getting the care they could be getting and the care that they deserve. At least not when it comes to communication and swallow therapy. And they don't often know the kind of care they could be getting because they've never seen it before. And yet, our friends to the south of us, are getting kick ass care. Even Edmontonians are getting better care from what my colleagues tell me. Why can't we pull it together Calgary? Ugh. I just shake my head.

Having this time to step back and step away is already liberating. I feel like I can BREATH again! I feel like the sky is a little brighter, things are starting to look a little shinier, and my insides feel that long lost sense of hope, excitement, and freedom to be me again. This is SO worth it.

At what price do I sacrifice my sanity, my values, and my standards JUST to take the only job out there? I am beginning to realize there is so much more to life and I've been living under this cloud believing this was my only option. And I see so many people at work who can so easily live with status quo, live in the dark ages far from cutting edge, and be OK with it. Really? I just can't. There is SO much MORE to life and living. Like that quote..."a person may live 100 years and not live one day of it"...or something like that. Drones.

I have no idea what I'm doing on this LOA. I have no plan. Is that scary or what? Admittedly, I feel completely lost but for the first time in a really long time, I'm going to let go of every expectation and spend some time doing whatever I love and listening to my gut. Try to tap into it again and figure out who I am and what I need to do. Not a bad start right?

A cup of sunshine

Inspiration hit me out of nowhere in the staff bathroom at work this morning. POW! Amazing job idea! What the hell?!

And better yet...it encompasses everything, (okay miss over-the-moon, let's come down from cloud nine a little and be real)...it encompasses A LOT of things that I would love in my 9-to-5.

Just an idea at this point but it was SO fun to start thinking about it and about all of the possibilities. My brain was ZOOMING through millions of ideas, scenarios, and a bright new future!

I always try and think of my 'dream' job but come up short. Not for lack of interest or wanting or trying though. People always say to think about the things you love to do, write them down, and then try and imagine a job that would involve all or most of those things. Let's face it, I'm a freakin' Gemini and I love ALL things! Narrow it down? How? Are you kidding me?!

My point is, that I really do want to find or create that perfect job where I don't feel like its 'work' but I just haven't nailed it or even come close. For whatever reason, today of all days and in a bathroom of all places...I think I had a stroke of genius and I feel pretty pumped up about investigating it further. Its not something that would or could happen fast, but I like the idea of dreaming and planning in the meantime and seeing where it leads me. THANK-YOU to whatever powers that be who planted this idea (more like slammed it) in my head this morning and filled my cup of life with a little sunshine.

It was and is MUCH needed. Gracias!

California here I come!

If you know me, you KNOW that I am THE biggest fan of the old 1970's TV show...Emergency! Watched it when I was 6 years old and then was reunited at age 39 with re-runs via http://www.nbc.com/ when I was living in New Mexico last year. I watched ALL of the first 4 seasons that were posted on the NBC website and then bought seasons 5 and 6...soon to be buying the final 7th season. I know, you're shaking your head thinking, "seriously"? Yes. SERIOUSLY!

But the highlight of my life so far??? A special Emergency! event being held in California in July!!! Not only THAT...but it will be happening at the fire station they filmed the show at...and the two original fire engines and squad 51 used on the show will be there AS WELL AS...RANDOLPH MANTOOTH! For those of you who aren't die hards like me, that's Firefighter Paramedic (PM) Johhny Gage. Mike Stoker, a real Firefighter by trade and the guy who drove the engines will be there too. The event is also FREE, hello?! WITH the chance to WIN a contest where you can be driven to the station in squad 51! I am so excited! (Not obvious enough?).

Am I a total dork or what?! But yes people, this is one of my many and very unique-to-Tracey dreams. And...it all happens exactly 1 month after my 40th birthday, What a way to roll into 40! And hey, even if I don't win the contest (you know I'm gonna try though), I still get to go and see it all. A-MA-ZING.

I was planning on doing a road trip to go see the station, the hospital ("Rampart" which is really Harbour or something like that), and the museum that houses the fire engines and squad 51. I was hoping I could just knock on the door of the station and ask if they'd let me take a peek inside (I've read online that the kitchen actually looks the same as it did on the show, cool!). But now I don't have to put a piecemeal trip together, its all in one baby and MORE!

Here's hoping I'll be rolling up to "station 51" IN "squad 51"...where Johnny and Roy spent many an episode doing the exact same thing. A seat in history. I'll take it!

Thanks for letting me get some of my excitement out via blog...I am bursting with anticipation! Cannot wait!

A Lesson in Aging

That's NOT me in the photo you see but it helps make my point. I am turning 40 this year and consider myself to be very young at heart as well as still looking young.

I went to a new hair stylist last week (thanks to a great deal on 'living social'), Alyssa, who I'd guess is about 23 years old. Sweet girl, chatty, and well beyond her years.

The haircut was alright but the way it was styled was something else. Poofy, round, not a hair out of place, curled...sooo not me. I just figured Alyssa didn't know me well enough yet.

I went back today to have my roots colored and add in a few more highlights. Again, nice but the way Alyssa styled my hair was brutal for the second time. Poofy, round, not a hair out of place, no curls but roll-brush round...sound familiar to my first visit? Then I realized...I look like my mom!!!!

And why wouldn't I? I swear that this is how my 20-something year old hair stylist must see me! OMG. Or even worse, am I really looking old enough to resemble and older woman?

The lesson? For God's sake, if you want to maintain your sense of youth and self-esteem during your late 30s...DO NOT have your hair styled by someone 20 years younger than you are. Trust me on this one ladies.

Signed, Sealed, Delivered!

OK. Over the past few years I have somehow started to collect an informal list of 'things I want to do' in my head. These things just seem to pop into my head every now and then. Most people would call it a "Bucket List" but I hate the sound of that. It just sounds morbid to me. But I also can't seem to come up with my own hip term to replace it, so for now, its just my 'things to do list'.

I think it started the day I decided to write a letter to one of my favorite and uber inspiring singers, Josh Ritter. This guy will make you smile on the inside and out just by seeing him in concert. I took a chance and wrote him a letter. Not a crazed-I-love-you-Josh-Ritter fan letter. I just felt compelled to let him know how inspiring he is, and his music. And OK, how much I love it!

Well, who freakin' knew that one day I'd be pulling a postcard out of my mailbox from Josh?! Dream #1 come true.

I think this was the fuel that started my fire and I have since been coming up with other dreams I want to make come true. Not intentionally, they just come. And trust me, they're not Oprah Winfrey worthy, but they are my dreams just the same. That's what makes it so great.

Another dream I've had relates to the show Extreme Makeover-Home Edition with Tai Pennington. I LOVE that show! I can't watch it without crying, being inspired, and feeling fired up to help others. And in fact, sometimes I can't watch the show because I get MAD that I'm not involved in it somehow! That's how much I want to be a part of the show and how much it means to me.

I decided way back that I was going to send in a DVD (video) of me asking to be a participant on the show to help a family and meet the design team. I kept putting it off for more than a year. Then in January I finally grabbed a ball and made the video, put some photos together, and filled out the application. It all sat in a box on the dining room table for months. Until today. I mailed it! I know the chances of me getting a call to be on the show are SLIM but...I am so glad I put myself out there and did what I could to try and make it happen. I've seen that this year they have guests on the show but they're celebrities, so maybe I waited too long...I sure ain't no celebrity! But like I say, I will hold out the hope that just like Josh, Tai Pennington will contact me. Imagine?!

The only other 'thing to do' on my list at this point in time is (and yes, its totally cheesy) to visit the firehall from the TV show Emergency! in California and the museum that houses the old fire engine and squad car used on the show. And wouldn't you know it? THIS July, the museum is asking all Emergency! fans to write in about why they (aka ME) are the biggest fan. There's an event going on, no details yet, but you KNOW where I'LL be in July people! And here's hoping I get to meet Johnny and Roy...Randolph Mantooth and Kevin Tighe, and maybe even some of the other cast.

Follow your dreams people, whatever they may be. A dream is a dream is a dream and all are worthy of reaching for. Just think about the stories you'll have to tell. You never know unless you try.

Brrr!

We are having a long, cold winter here and today was another blustery day. -36 degrees with windchill and the average daily high is -18 for the rest of the week. White out conditions driving and icy, icy roads. I took my mom to an appointment this afternoon and by the time we got back to her neighborhood, it was dinner time. We ate and had a glass of wine together as we felt we had earned it. What a great night. Love you mom.

Words to consider

Hope you enjoy. Jeff Bezos, creator of Amazon.

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/jeff_bezos_gifts_vs_choices.html

Happy New Year

A friend of mine tells me that according to the Gemini horoscope...2011 is our breakout year. Apparently, the Geminis of the world have been opressed by the planet Saturn for the past 10 years. But now, says she...the cloud has lifted and we will rise again! I can't argue with that if its going in the right direction for my astrological sign. I say, "Hallelujah"!

I do feel like I'm on the edge of change and feel I'm at a place where I can (mostly) see and appreciate what I've learned, the lesson...I'm just not quite in the driver's seat yet though. I'm still in the training simulator awaiting that almighty 'sign' that will put me in the driver's seat and lead me in the next direction. I do feel closer though. So that's good right?

The new year has been pretty status quo so far...not quite feeling that breakout excitement per the horoscope predictions. But, its early.

Any intentions for the year? Primarily a continued focus on compassion. Others have popped into my mind that I plan to focus on as well, but obviously I need to start writing them down! I can't remember them right now.

I wish much love, peace, happiness, laughter, joy, and health to all of my fellow peeps out there. May 2011 be YOUR year as well (even if you're not a Gemini). Cheers!